Stepson's girlfriend

motorguy

Knightsuntold wrote: »

The thing I don't understand is that he's had good relationships before, so why can't he see that there are elements in this one that are clearly not right? I'm dreading that he's actually in love with this girl, and it's that which is the difference.

Maybe deep down he thinks she can change - but that rarely truly happens with someone like this - if ever.


I was listening to a song last night (which happened to be about a bloke in a toxic relationship) and a line from it springs to mind "the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care - right?"


Hope it all works out...

justme111

We often watch "first dates ". There was a girl on there who stated she had a big wall towards opposite sex because of the betrayal of her father. The chap went off with one of her friends when she was 18. It is amazing how otherwise reasonably intelligent person does not stop and ask herself :" how exactly my farher's personal life is my business and why do I label whatever I don't like about it as a betrayal ?"
Sure they are cure with flattering eyelashes, they have to have some assets to be able to function and act as a bait in a boobytrap:D
You sound very wise , OP. I am sure you done a few other things in your life that turned out right apart from your stepson

Knightsuntold

motorguy wrote: »

Maybe deep down he thinks she can change - but that rarely truly happens with someone like this - if ever.


I was listening to a song last night (which happened to be about a bloke in a toxic relationship) and a line from it springs to mind "the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care - right?"


Hope it all works out...

The Offspring! Love that song!

Knightsuntold

Knightsuntold wrote: »

The Offspring! Love that song!

And then she frantically checks, in case she's got it totally wrong!

Knightsuntold

justme111 wrote: »

We often watch "first dates ". There was a girl on there who stated she had a big wall towards opposite sex because of the betrayal of her father. The chap went off with one of her friends when she was 18. It is amazing how otherwise reasonably intelligent person does not stop and ask herself :" how exactly my farher's personal life is my business and why do I label whatever I don't like about it as a betrayal ?"
Sure they are cure with flattering eyelashes, they have to have some assets to be able to function and act as a bait in a boobytrap:D
You sound very wise , OP. I am sure you done a few other things in your life that turned out right apart from your stepson

Sweeping generalisation alert... there seem to be so many young girls/ women who blame their father's for their inability to have a decent, well balanced relationship, or their mothers, for not dealing with it in the right way. There is so much resentment. When I meet up with my big group of general friends, this topic comes up every time. Mind you, I know a 48 year old who is going all out to break up her father's relationship, and doing a fine impression of a petulant teenager over it.

Don't! Just don't! I know she was feeling stressed, and didn't want to be there, but everything felt so false. There again, so was I - I was smiling until my face ached, and 'oh goshing' with the best of them. I've never said 'oh, gosh!' in my life!

Thank you for the wise comment - I really don't feel it, but I do appreciate you saying it. Most of the time I think I should be wearing a T-shirt with 'major mess up here' printed on it.

breaking_free

Knightsuntold wrote: »

The thing I don't understand is that he's had good relationships before, so why can't he see that there are elements in this one that are clearly not right?

Here's the thing: abusive people present themselves as normal, caring, loving people at the beginning of a relationship. In fact they're usually over the top charming.

When he first met her she would have been on her best behaviour as she was trying to woo him (just as any normal person does). He wouldn't have seen any 'elements that are clearly not right' at first, because she was wearing her 'nice person' mask.

Then she would have tested the waters. She'd have done something nasty to test his reaction and when he (naturally) protested she'd have started crying and trotting out a story about how 'I've been done wrong in the past by somebody else and that's why I'm taking it out on you now. I'm sorry'. He forgives her and now is feeling even more protective because of her (alleged) awful treatment at the hands of another person. He's going to minimise every assault and try to excuse it because she will be telling him about all the bad times she's gone through before and he'll be trying to prove that he's not like those other guys.

Abusers follow a script, almost as if they're reading from a text book. If you gently ask your stepson about his girlfriend's past I can guarantee that he will pour forth a tragic tale of woe (which, by the way, will be entirely fabricated by her).

Why can't he see that there are 'elements that are not right?' Actually he can, but he's doing his best to understand why she acts badly and is trying to fix it. Sometimes she will be a complete charmer and that's the girl he's fallen for. When Ms Nice disappears and is replaced by Ms Nasty (on an increasingly regular basis) he will be expending all his energy trying to placate her and to get Ms Nice back.

People who have not been in an abusive relationship always ask 'Why did you stay?' It's a legitimate question to which my answer is: "If your teenage child who you have invested so much love and energy into suddenly becomes violent and unreasonable would you immediately kick them out?" Of course not. No loving parent would. So what do you do when your loving partner 'suddenly' turns into an abuser? You love them, you've invested time and energy into them and you're wondering where that lovely person you first met has disappeared to. Instead of kicking them out immediately you try and work things out to bring back the person you first met.

It's not that he can't see that she's treating him badly, it's that he's fallen for her and believes that if he can just make her feel secure/protected/show her that he's not the bad guy/ the lovely girl he met in the beginning will come back.

But the lovely girl won't come back because this girl is an abuser, plain and simple.

(HUGS) to you and your stepson

Mojisola

breaking_free wrote: »

People who have not been in an abusive relationship always ask 'Why did you stay?' It's a legitimate question to which my answer is: "If your teenage child who you have invested so much love and energy into suddenly becomes violent and unreasonable would you immediately kick them out?" Of course not. No loving parent would. So what do you do when your loving partner 'suddenly' turns into an abuser? You love them, you've invested time and energy into them and you're wondering where that lovely person you first met has disappeared to. Instead of kicking them out immediately you try and work things out to bring back the person you first met.

And, to add to the above, by this stage many abusers will have their victim believing that the outburst was caused by something the victim did so, if only they can behave correctly, the attacks won't happen again.

killielila

hugs to you both its an awful situation
we have so much stigma against male victims of domestic abuse its horrific my partner was beaten financially verbally and sexually abused by his ex wife . He was primary carer for her learning disabled son while she attended uni . He worked freelance and arranged all his appointments around the little ones schedule . Then she up and left him with a note saying HIS behaviour wasn't healthy for the little boy( he was convalescing from a major op and was pretty much bed ridden for a couple of months ) left him with thousands in debt and on verge of bankruptcy and loosing his home due to bills she had racked up in joint names and left him with

its an awful situation to be in and my heart goes out to you .

Knightsuntold

breaking_free wrote: »

Here's the thing: abusive people present themselves as normal, caring, loving people at the beginning of a relationship. In fact they're usually over the top charming.

When he first met her she would have been on her best behaviour as she was trying to woo him (just as any normal person does). He wouldn't have seen any 'elements that are clearly not right' at first, because she was wearing her 'nice person' mask.

Then she would have tested the waters. She'd have done something nasty to test his reaction and when he (naturally) protested she'd have started crying and trotting out a story about how 'I've been done wrong in the past by somebody else and that's why I'm taking it out on you now. I'm sorry'. He forgives her and now is feeling even more protective because of her (alleged) awful treatment at the hands of another person. He's going to minimise every assault and try to excuse it because she will be telling him about all the bad times she's gone through before and he'll be trying to prove that he's not like those other guys.

Abusers follow a script, almost as if they're reading from a text book. If you gently ask your stepson about his girlfriend's past I can guarantee that he will pour forth a tragic tale of woe (which, by the way, will be entirely fabricated by her).

Why can't he see that there are 'elements that are not right?' Actually he can, but he's doing his best to understand why she acts badly and is trying to fix it. Sometimes she will be a complete charmer and that's the girl he's fallen for. When Ms Nice disappears and is replaced by Ms Nasty (on an increasingly regular basis) he will be expending all his energy trying to placate her and to get Ms Nice back.

People who have not been in an abusive relationship always ask 'Why did you stay?' It's a legitimate question to which my answer is: "If your teenage child who you have invested so much love and energy into suddenly becomes violent and unreasonable would you immediately kick them out?" Of course not. No loving parent would. So what do you do when your loving partner 'suddenly' turns into an abuser? You love them, you've invested time and energy into them and you're wondering where that lovely person you first met has disappeared to. Instead of kicking them out immediately you try and work things out to bring back the person you first met.

It's not that he can't see that she's treating him badly, it's that he's fallen for her and believes that if he can just make her feel secure/protected/show her that he's not the bad guy/ the lovely girl he met in the beginning will come back.

But the lovely girl won't come back because this girl is an abuser, plain and simple.

(HUGS) to you and your stepson

Oh, wow... seeing it in black and white like has one hell of an impact, and it makes complete sense. You can see the pattern and build up.

I met my stepson for dinner last night and we did discuss what's going on - it wasn't my intention, but he wanted to. I would say that we're in the early stages of this, but he's not reacting in the way that she wants. He's told her straight that her behaviour is unacceptable, and if it happens again, it doesn't matter how much he loves her (gulp from me), he will walk. It appears that she doesn't know what to do with this, as her tried and tested methods aren't working for her. There have been a lot of tears and tantrums, and the way he described it, she sounded like a small child, stamping her foot, because she's not getting her own way. He's suggested counselling and/or anger management - she's thinking about it, but not keen. He said that if she loves him and wants the relationship to work, she'll do it - it appears that he's not above a bit of manipulation himself. The biggie for me, is that he's told her mum - she'd had a go at him for upsetting her daughter, so he told her straight. She didn't seem to be surprised, and backed down instantly.

I asked if he would leave, if it carried on, and he looked me in the eye and said 'yes', There was a sadness and finality to it, and I believe him. I wish he'd never met her - he doesn't deserve this.

Knightsuntold

Mojisola wrote: »

And, to add to the above, by this stage many abusers will have their victim believing that the outburst was caused by something the victim did so, if only they can behave correctly, the attacks won't happen again.

Yes, I can see that - I know it;s not the same, but I was in this situation with a friend/work colleague. She was often really nasty with me, and I always thought it was my fault. I spent ages going back over what I'd said or done to trigger such a reaction in someone who was so lovely. It was only when I was out of the situation, and I watched her do it to someone else, that the penny dropped, that it wasn't me.