Stepson's girlfriend

Knightsuntold

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

That's why I think you should tell him. You're parents, even if you're apart, even if the child is now an adult and even if you didn't actually give birth to him.

Maybe if both parents are uncomfortable about it, that would give him pause for thought? Or he'd know it's not just 'the bad influence' she's making you out to be/not even your real Mum/she just wants control/aka 'Your Mum's a threat and I want her out of the way'.


Because I work in a school, I have no guilt or worry about not keeping secrets. It's not possible to keep secrets when it's somebody being hurt, it's not ethical. And, much as I wouldn't tell you to do anything, I do believe that, even if it potentially cost me everything in terms of a relationship with them, I'd get in touch with my horrible ex and tell him if I saw DD's boyfriend give her a dig, though.

I haven't ruled it out, but I do have a few real concerns. My stepson's dad is a wonderful man. We're still good friends, catch up every couple of weeks, and I certainly could talk to him. The problem is that because he suffered so badly in his situation, he will go all-out to get this relationship to end, and my stepson isn't ready to give her up. I'm pretty sure that he will turn his back on his dad, purely because he couldn't handle seeing his dad so upset - they are so alike in some ways, and clash in way I wouldn't believe, if I hadn't seen it.

When I say that my stepson's dad suffered, we've never discussed it, but I have seen the after effects. We were washing up in the kitchen together - I was washing and he was drying. He dropped a cup, and it shattered. We're talking about a cup that cost about £1.50 from IKEA, not a Clarice Cliff original. He cowered down and raised his arms in a defensive position. I understood in an instant, and it broke my heart to see it. I just laughed, and said it was a good excuse to buy some new, as I'd never really liked them, and carried on washing up. He was obviously waiting for a major fallout, and he was on edge for three days after that. It was horrible to see. There were plenty of incidents like that.

Knightsuntold

justme111 wrote: »

Good to hear , glad I was off the mark , indeed I thought later I was over dramatising it a bit. Not sure one boot of swearing and one "playful" punch into shoulder done by a petit woman with a fully able man not depending on her acting in a well humoured way warrants contacting estranged partner for.

Thank you so much for replying! I was worried that you wouldn't take my reply in the spirit it was intended, especially after you'd gone out of your way to reply in the first place. You did give me food for thought, and I am grateful for that.

It wouldn't be a problem contacting my stepson's dad - we still have a strong friendship, but I'm worried that it would cause a major fall-out between him and his son. It's true to say that when they clash, they bring out the worst in each other.

pollypenny

That account of the broken cup says it all, Knights.

He needs to be out of that relationship. Maybe he's starting to see that now.

Knightsuntold

pollypenny wrote: »

That account of the broken cup says it all, Knights.

He needs to be out of that relationship. Maybe he's starting to see that now.

Sorry, I didn't make it clear - that was my stepson's dad, not my stepson. He had one hell of a time with his ex-wife. I was just using it to illustrate why I'm reluctant to tell his dad about it, and to get him involved.

paddy's_mum

Knightsuntold wrote: »

He tried to explain it by saying that her dad left her mum for another woman, and she hates the other woman for taking her dad away.

She doesn't understand how my stepson and I can be so close, even though she knows that I didn't even know his dad until a couple of years after his marriage breakdown

Sort of aside but I have never, ever understood how this whole blame thing works unless of course the other woman held a pistol to Miss Tyson's Dad's head and marched his unwilling little soul off at gunpoint!

I also hope for the sake of every client she ever has in her future career as a solicitor that she is planning to specialise in something obscure like leaseholds or finances or the fine print of car-part main dealerships because she sure isn't equipped to deal with any aspect whatever of family law.

Can you imagine seeking divorce advice from her when you have to admit that you are now living with a man who left his wife for you? :eek:

annandale

It wasn't a playful punch and has been said before it really isn't relevant his ability. Large men can be abused by tiny women. I'd give serious thought to contacting his dad.

Knightsuntold

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Sort of aside but I have never, ever understood how this whole blame thing works unless of course the other woman held a pistol to Miss Tyson's Dad's head and marched his unwilling little soul off at gunpoint!

I also hope for the sake of every client she ever has in her future career as a solicitor that she is planning to specialise in something obscure like leaseholds or finances or the fine print of car-part main dealerships because she sure isn't equipped to deal with any aspect whatever of family law.

Can you imagine seeking divorce advice from her when you have to admit that you are now living with a man who left his wife for you? :eek:

I hear you - the vision of the unwilling little soul being marched off at gunpoint has given me the biggest grin that I've had for ages!

As for the solicitor business.... she wants to do family, so she can 'help the sweet lickle babies...' That was said with her head on one side, eyes cast heavenward, and a virtual hurricane caused by the fluttering eye lashes. I've never actually seen anyone do that in real life before - it was disturbing.,,

Knightsuntold

annandale wrote: »

It wasn't a playful punch and has been said before it really isn't relevant his ability. Large men can be abused by tiny women. I'd give serious thought to contacting his dad.

Yes, they can indeed. Years ago we had someone in our social circle, where it was suggested that there was domestic violence going on. Everyone thought it was the man against the woman, and she was offered all sorts of help, all of which was turned down. It wasn't until she stabbed him, that the truth came out, and even then, she tried to run with the self-defence line. They split up for a while, but he did eventually go back to her.

I have given it serious thought, and I don't think that telling his dad is the right thing to do at this time. Now the initial shock has worn off, and my stepson has maintained contact, I've gained a bit more clarity, and I don't think I can meddle any more than I have done, unless I see something else. My stepson has assured me that he's ok, his behaviour hasn't changed, and I think that if it gets worse, he will call it a day. If I tell his dad, it will be like a bull in a china shop, and there will be no controlling that.

Andypandyboy

This kind of thing (although as far as I know, not actual violence)happened to one of our sons. He is 6ft 3 and a gentle soul, she came from exactly the background you describe, and she put him through hell. We had to bite our tongues on numerous occasions, until eventually he realised that his friends weren't in the same kind of relationship he was, they were happy.

She was a stunning looking girl but inside she was eaten up with hate for what her father had done and she let that out every day with him. We did always pass comment on things but in a neutral way, just to let him know we had noticed and thought it odd behaviour. All his friends hated her, which was very unlike them as they are a friendly bunch.

In the end he simply got tired of the effort needed to try to keep her happy.It took guts for him to walk away but he did it, but we had to wait it it out. She broke his heart though, and three years on he is still single.

Knightsuntold

Andypandyboy wrote: »

This kind of thing (although as far as I know, not actual violence)happened to one of our sons. He is 6ft 3 and a gentle soul, she came from exactly the background you describe, and she put him through hell. We had to bite our tongues on numerous occasions, until eventually he realised that his friends weren't in the same kind of relationship he was, they were happy.

She was a stunning looking girl but inside she was eaten up with hate for what her father had done and she let that out every day with him. We did always pass comment on things but in a neutral way, just to let him know we had noticed and thought it odd behaviour. All his friends hated her, which was very unlike them as they are a friendly bunch.

In the end he simply got tired of the effort needed to try to keep her happy.It took guts for him to walk away but he did it, but we had to wait it it out. She broke his heart though, and three years on he is still single.

Thank you - striking parallels here, and you know how it feels. For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing - they have to work it out for themselves. This girl is also a stunning looking girl, and my stepson is a gentle soul, but there is a core of steel running through him - there has had to be, because of the things his natural mum put him through.

The thing I don't understand is that he's had good relationships before, so why can't he see that there are elements in this one that are clearly not right? I'm dreading that he's actually in love with this girl, and it's that which is the difference. If so, I'll just have to lump it and make the best of it.

I hope your son is now happy, and meets someone special soon.