Stepson's girlfriend

Kayalana99

Mojisola wrote: »

She'll find a reason for him to cut anyone supportive out of his life - that's how abusers work.

Unfortunately, until he wants to get out of the relationship, there's nothing anyone else can do. Just keep telling him that you will always be there for him.

See, I was in a emotionally abusive relationship and I just don't have much advice for you other then I wouldn't have listened to anyone.

All my friends tried to tell me what he was doing to me and it wasn't until I came to my own realisation years down the line that I left..

I appreciate you want to help, and I think as someone said above letting him know he's always welcome to come stay with you + making him aware of what you saw and you were just concerned (rather then telling him it's wrong or right) might be as far as I'd take it.

As above posters have pointed out, saying the wrong thing will just cause a breakdown in your relationship.

Knightsuntold

Mojisola wrote: »

She'll find a reason for him to cut anyone supportive out of his life - that's how abusers work.

Unfortunately, until he wants to get out of the relationship, there's nothing anyone else can do. Just keep telling him that you will always be there for him.

I know, and I'm stunned that they actually made it on Saturday night. That whole performance was because she didn't want to go. He said that was fine, he'd go alone, but that wasn't right either. In a way, I'm delighted that he's still standing up to her, and doing what he wants to do, but not if it ends up with him getting hit.

Yes, he knows I'll always be there for him 100% - nothing will ever change that. I don't think I could love him any more than I do, even if he was my own child.

pollypenny

Knightsuntold wrote: »

Well, I met up with my stepson last night, and it's fair to say that I won't be winning any prizes for diplomacy, any time soon.

He didn't deny it, but he did say that it only happens when she's 'stressed', and she was 'stressed', because meeting the family was a big step for her. Apparently, she's 'lovely' for the rest of the time, and 'it didn't hurt, anyway'. I could have sat there and cried. Instead, I told him that it was common assault and I wasn't having it. I asked how he'd feel if he saw me do that to his dad, or to my current partner - would he just shrug it off then? He said it wouldn't, because I was better than that. I asked why it was ok for her to do it, but not me - no reply. I even said to him that if this relationship went the distance, and they had kids, what if she did it to them, because kids bring a huge amount of stress. He said that she wouldn't do it to her own kids, so I went back with 'but she would to the man she's supposed to love.' No reply.

He tried to explain it by saying that her dad left her mum for another woman, and she hates the other woman for taking her dad away. She doesn't understand how my stepson and I can be so close, even though she knows that I didn't even know his dad until a couple of years after his marriage breakdown, I said that if she was 15, that might carry some weight with me, but she's 25. We went round in circles after that. He didn't appreciate it when I referred to her as Tyson, and even less when I said that if it happened again, I'd do exactly the same to her, because apparently that's ok. As we left, we hugged each other, and I asked him to be careful, as I was pretty sure that she'd try and drive a wedge between us. I felt his posture change, and I'm bang on - she's already trying to. Apparently, our relationship is unhealthy, and I should have had no more to do with him, once I'd split with his dad.

Sounds as if you handled that very well. You've given him food for thought, alerting him to the unacceptable nature if her current behaviour and warning of her potential in future.

You've also shown that you're ready to support him.

Knightsuntold

whitewing wrote: »

Well done for spelling out how you feel to him. So many people ignore unpleasant things.

Thank you so much for this. I'm very lucky, in that he has always listened to me, even from a small child. I had no real experience of kids, so I spoke to him as a mini-adult, and it worked for us. Even now, if he has a problem, he will ask for my opinion - he doesn't always do what I say, but he considers it in the overall picture.

Kaye1

Good for you, OP.

I had to speak to someone in a not quite similar situation- and I just kept telling them- 'whenever you need me, I will come. It doesn't matter where you are or when it is, I will come. It doesn't matter why, I will come and help.'

Each time I saw them, I said to them- 'remember what I told you- I will come.'

In the end they didn't need me, but I know they were grateful to know I was always ready to help.

I think you need to keep emphasising this OP- she will try to drive a wedge between you so you must keep telling your stepson what he means to you.

A horrible situation- I wish you all the best, OP.

Knightsuntold

Kayalana99 wrote: »

See, I was in a emotionally abusive relationship and I just don't have much advice for you other then I wouldn't have listened to anyone.

All my friends tried to tell me what he was doing to me and it wasn't until I came to my own realisation years down the line that I left..

I appreciate you want to help, and I think as someone said above letting him know he's always welcome to come stay with you + making him aware of what you saw and you were just concerned (rather then telling him it's wrong or right) might be as far as I'd take it.

As above posters have pointed out, saying the wrong thing will just cause a breakdown in your relationship.

I agree with you - when you're in it, you don't listen or see it. I've been in a relationship that was bad for me, rather than abusive, and I always found a way to justify it. Or I did, until I saw the light.

I think I was very lucky when I spoke to him last night. I was on dodgy ground, and I said more than I intended to, but he took it. Thank God he loves me too, and I can get away with saying more than most.

Knightsuntold

pollypenny wrote: »

Sounds as if you handled that very well. You've given him food for thought, alerting him to the unacceptable nature if her current behaviour and warning of her potential in future.

You've also shown that you're ready to support him.

Oh, thank you! I don't feel as though I handled it well... I can't believe I called her Tyson. Or bloody Tyson at one point. Or that I threatened to do the same to her! The very thing that I said was unacceptable. So much for being cool, calm and collected...

Knightsuntold

Kaye1 wrote: »

Good for you, OP.

I had to speak to someone in a not quite similar situation- and I just kept telling them- 'whenever you need me, I will come. It doesn't matter where you are or when it is, I will come. It doesn't matter why, I will come and help.'

Each time I saw them, I said to them- 'remember what I told you- I will come.'

In the end they didn't need me, but I know they were grateful to know I was always ready to help.

I think you need to keep emphasising this OP- she will try to drive a wedge between you so you must keep telling your stepson what he means to you.

A horrible situation- I wish you all the best, OP.

Thank you. We have a code that we've used since he was a child. It means 'I need you' 'I'm there for you' or 'I'm ok', depending on the context. We started using it when we were first trying to build up contact with him mum, as it was difficult, and he needed a no blame escape route. A couple of years ago, he was involved in a nasty bike crash, where he was in and out of consciousness and very confused. He kept saying the 'I need you part'. When I was allowed to see him, the nurse told me that he was rambling and what he was saying. I said the 'I'm there for you' part, and his blood pressure which had been sky-high, dropped down to the normal range, which was enough to get the medical staff panicking for a bit, and he calmed right down. We laughed about it afterwards, and haven't used it since.

Last night he said the 'I'm ok' part. I wish I had something for 'I bloody hope so.'

Kaye1

Knightsuntold wrote: »

Thank you. We have a code that we've used since he was a child. It means 'I need you' 'I'm there for you' or 'I'm ok', depending on the context. We started using it when we were first trying to build up contact with him mum, as it was difficult, and he needed a no blame escape route. A couple of years ago, he was involved in a nasty bike crash, where he was in and out of consciousness and very confused. He kept saying the 'I need you part'. When I was allowed to see him, the nurse told me that he was rambling and what he was saying. I said the 'I'm there for you' part, and his blood pressure which had been sky-high, dropped down to the normal range, which was enough to get the medical staff panicking for a bit, and he calmed right down. We laughed about it afterwards, and haven't used it since.

Last night he said the 'I'm ok' part. I wish I had something for 'I bloody hope so.'

You sound lovely OP. Just keep showing him you love him. Hopefully, he will realise her behaviour isn't acceptable.

Knightsuntold

Kaye1 wrote: »

You sound lovely OP. Just keep showing him you love him. Hopefully, he will realise her behaviour isn't acceptable.

Thank you. I try to be - it doesn't always work out that way. I think he's the one thing in my life that I actually feel that I got right - not sure if that makes sense. Plus I didn't have any kids of my own, which was never the plan. but things don't always go to plan.