Stepson's girlfriend

Acquinas

The lad can do a whole lot better.

justme111

When someone talks badly of our romantic choices we have no option but to reduce contact with those people. That is how relatives and friends of a person who is in not a good relationships get cut away. It is not "the evil abuser" who isolates one premeditatedly. Just people around see stuff they don't like about relationship , talk about one's partner with intense negative emotions and leave one with no choice other than to decrease contact with them. Hence vacuum develops and abuse gets worse. That is one reason why people talking badly about chosen partners of their loved ones make it worse for them.
Another reason is that if we see someone being badly treated and insistently disagree with them when they say it was ok we disrespect them as well. We dismiss thir feelings that it is ok. Having feelings dismissed is very hurtful.
So applying it to you situation - I would say it was exactly the right thing to do to say you did not think her behavior was acceptable and challenge a few of his statements in trying to justify her ( it was ok for her to do it to him but would not be ok if she done it to children or you done it to someone ). He did not have an answer to those challenges - thats great , he needs to rhink about it. That should been the end of conversation on that topic and discussing something unrelated , preferably nice topic would been ideal after.It was harmful to be negative to her as she is his choice and disapproving of her you disapprove of those feelings and needs in him that made him chose her. It undermines all your influence and constructive challenges.
I would recommend apologising for calling her tyson and whatever else disapproving you probably said. Stating you were glad to have met her and honoured he introduced you. She is part of his life, accept it as it is the only way you can still be in and have a chance of him confiding in you in the future. Challange always a specific behavior or circumstances , never the character or relationship. Always polite.
All the above said from a position of someone who has an experience of being in a relationship of which everybody else disapproved.
Good luck
Xx

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Have you spoken to his Dad about it?


I would.

Knightsuntold

Acquinas wrote: »

The lad can do a whole lot better.

He can indeed, but if this is his choice, I'll have to lump it, and make the best of it. I have to admit, I'm not looking forward to that one.

Knightsuntold

justme111 wrote: »

When someone talks badly of our romantic choices we have no option but to reduce contact with those people. That is how relatives and friends of a person who is in not a good relationships get cut away. It is not "the evil abuser" who isolates one premeditatedly. Just people around see stuff they don't like about relationship , talk about one's partner with intense negative emotions and leave one with no choice other than to decrease contact with them. Hence vacuum develops and abuse gets worse. That is one reason why people talking badly about chosen partners of their loved ones make it worse for them.
Another reason is that if we see someone being badly treated and insistently disagree with them when they say it was ok we disrespect them as well. We dismiss thir feelings that it is ok. Having feelings dismissed is very hurtful.
So applying it to you situation - I would say it was exactly the right thing to do to say you did not think her behavior was acceptable and challenge a few of his statements in trying to justify her ( it was ok for her to do it to him but would not be ok if she done it to children or you done it to someone ). He did not have an answer to those challenges - thats great , he needs to rhink about it. That should been the end of conversation on that topic and discussing something unrelated , preferably nice topic would been ideal after.It was harmful to be negative to her as she is his choice and disapproving of her you disapprove of those feelings and needs in him that made him chose her. It undermines all your influence and constructive challenges.
I would recommend apologising for calling her tyson and whatever else disapproving you probably said. Stating you were glad to have met her and honoured he introduced you. She is part of his life, accept it as it is the only way you can still be in and have a chance of him confiding in you in the future. Challange always a specific behavior or circumstances , never the character or relationship. Always polite.
All the above said from a position of someone who has an experience of being in a relationship of which everybody else disapproved.
Good luck
Xx

Thank you for taking to the time do this reply, especially as you have experience of a relationship of which everyone else disapproved of.

With respect (and I do mean that), I think you are referring to what would have been the right approach for you, for your situation, and the reactions that happened to you, but you're not my stepson. Ever since my stepson was a child, we've called any scary person or situation by a silly or insulting name, to take away some of the fear. Yes, Tyson wasn't the best name, but he took it in the spirit it was intended, and even laughed when I said it. If I was to raise it again, and apologise, it would really set off the alarm bells, and weaken my position. At the end of the day, we're talking about two counts of assault, by a woman who is training to be a solicitor, and does know better. I won't apologise for not being happy about that, and if I wasn't all sweetness and light when I talked to him, tough - it's a measure of how strongly I feel about it.

I couldn't have been too far off the mark, as he's text to ask if I'm free for dinner on Thursday, and said that Tyson (his words) is out for the evening with the girls.

Blackpool_Saver

So glad you are having dinner with him soon, you know to keep the convo light, so when he needs you he can talk to you. I think you are doing really well

Knightsuntold

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Have you spoken to his Dad about it?


I would.

I've thought about it, but I've not said anything yet. His dad has got first-hand experience of being on the receiving end of it, and I'm not sure he could be objective about the whole thing. I also feel as though I should tell my stepson that his dad should know, and that I should encourage him to tell him - that's a tricky one.

Knightsuntold

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

So glad you are having dinner with him soon, you know to keep the convo light, so when he needs you he can talk to you. I think you are doing really well

Me too! Especially as he contacted me, and suggested it. I did ask him if I'd said too much, and he said no. He said that everything I'd said proved that I love him, he knew I was in his corner, and I'd be a sh*t stepmum if I didn't pull him up for it. He quoted me back at me! I think I'm very proud of that lad.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Knightsuntold wrote: »

I've thought about it, but I've not said anything yet. His dad has got first-hand experience of being on the receiving end of it, and I'm not sure he could be objective about the whole thing. I also feel as though I should tell my stepson that his dad should know, and that I should encourage him to tell him - that's a tricky one.

That's why I think you should tell him. You're parents, even if you're apart, even if the child is now an adult and even if you didn't actually give birth to him.

Maybe if both parents are uncomfortable about it, that would give him pause for thought? Or he'd know it's not just 'the bad influence' she's making you out to be/not even your real Mum/she just wants control/aka 'Your Mum's a threat and I want her out of the way'.


Because I work in a school, I have no guilt or worry about not keeping secrets. It's not possible to keep secrets when it's somebody being hurt, it's not ethical. And, much as I wouldn't tell you to do anything, I do believe that, even if it potentially cost me everything in terms of a relationship with them, I'd get in touch with my horrible ex and tell him if I saw DD's boyfriend give her a dig, though.

justme111

Good to hear , glad I was off the mark , indeed I thought later I was over dramatising it a bit. Not sure one boot of swearing and one "playful" punch into shoulder done by a petit woman with a fully able man not depending on her acting in a well humoured way warrants contacting estranged partner for.