Is a 16 year age gap such a bad thing?

FBaby

I think it's a mixture of reasons, but one is that each generation is living longer, and those who've managed to keep a healthy lifestyle doing so well in their 90s. I have quite a few relatives/relatives of friends in their late 80s and 90s who live an active life, and who are incredibly sharp mentally with whom I can have the same discussions than I do with friends of my age.

System

My sister in law married a man 13 years older than herself. Whilst she likes to watch the odd action film, her hubby wants to watch endless re runs of cowboys and Indians. Recently he has been diagnosed with dementia and she is now having to show him what hand to put his knife and fork in.

I'm married, fortunately there's not much of an age gap. We both creak together. I'd just hate to push my failing health onto someone fit and able.

We only get one cracked at life.

FBaby

But that could still happen with someone your age you're just reducing the odds.

peachyprice

onlyroz wrote: »

Many men (my husband included) don't want to be an "old dad" physically unable to run around with their kids and teens. This is why I had kids earlier than if we had been closer in ages.

But if the relationship gets serious then these discussions must be had and compromises might have to be made on both sides.

Yes, my ex is struggling, he's just had another baby at 52, he's aged visibly in the space of 6 months!

fierystormcloud

Judi wrote: »

My sister in law married a man 13 years older than herself. Whilst she likes to watch the odd action film, her hubby wants to watch endless re runs of cowboys and Indians. Recently he has been diagnosed with dementia and she is now having to show him what hand to put his knife and fork in.

I'm married, fortunately there's not much of an age gap. We both creak together. I'd just hate to push my failing health onto someone fit and able.

We only get one cracked at life.

FBaby wrote: »

But that could still happen with someone your age you're just reducing the odds.

I agree with Fbaby, and I think it's really about how young at heart you are. 13 years age difference doesn't sound massive, and I can't imagine someone of 30 and someone of 43 being hugely different. From what you're saying about your friend and her husband, it sounds like there's a 30 year age gap! I am under the impression that your friend's husband would have been interested in old cowboy and Indian films anyway, even 10 years ago, or 20 years ago. Not sure of his age, but I would imagine he has always liked them, and your friend would have known this when she met him. I doubt if someone would suddenly start liking cowboy and Indian films out of the blue when they hit middle age.

One lady I know is 53 and really into video games, and chart music, and has been since I have known her (20 years.) She also likes Zac Efron, and Jennifer Lawrence - actors in their 20's who no-one had heard of pre 21st century. Another woman I know is into ancient history, 1930's films, and collecting postcards, and she thinks Kanye West is a motorway Service Station on the M1! And she is 51 - two years younger than the other lady...

What's more, the husband of one of my sisters who is in his mid 50's likes to watch Laurel and Hardy films, which are much older than the cowboy and Indian films, and the husband of my friend who is in his late 50's, watches old 70's Comedies like Carry On films and Bless this house. And my sister and my friend have zero interest in all of this, yet they are both the same age as their husbands. And my grandmother who is nearly 90, likes Little Mix, and Adele, and she has Netflix, and watches Stranger Things and Orange is the New Black.

So I think liking stuff from the 70's, 60's, 50's, 40's, etc is not always about age. Similarly with illnesses; you can be like a spring chicken at 80, and totally independent, and very ill at 60. As I said earlier, you could get ill just as easily at 50 to 55, as you could at 70, and I know some people who became infirm and unable to look after themselves at the age of 52-55, and some people of 70 who can run a marathon.

I think the only issue that would come from an age gap of around a generation would be if the man was younger and the woman older (like 25 and 45,) and he wanted kids.

FBaby wrote: »

I think it's a mixture of reasons, but one is that each generation is living longer, and those who've managed to keep a healthy lifestyle doing so well in their 90s. I have quite a few relatives/relatives of friends in their late 80s and 90s who live an active life, and who are incredibly sharp mentally with whom I can have the same discussions than I do with friends of my age.

Same here. My grandmother is much sharper than many friends of my generation (people in their 20's and 30's!)

The only thing I would agree with that some people have said, is that becoming a parent over the age of 45 would not be ideal for many people! So yes, I guess if the woman was the younger of the two, a man becoming a parent over 45 would not be ideal either. Although to be fair, it would be the woman doing most of the child-rearing as it almost always is.

catkins

fierystormcloud wrote: »

I agree with Fbaby, and I think it's really about how young at heart you are. 13 years age difference doesn't sound massive, and I can't imagine someone of 30 and someone of 43 being hugely different. From what you're saying about your friend and her husband, it sounds like there's a 30 year age gap! I am under the impression that your friend's husband would have been interested in old cowboy and Indian films anyway, even 10 years ago, or 20 years ago. Not sure of his age, but I would imagine he has always liked them, and your friend would have known this when she met him. I doubt if someone would suddenly start liking cowboy and Indian films out of the blue when they hit middle age.

One lady I know is 53 and really into video games, and chart music, and has been since I have known her (20 years.) She also likes Zac Efron, and Jennifer Lawrence - actors in their 20's who no-one had heard of pre 21st century. Another woman I know is into ancient history, 1930's films, and collecting postcards, and she thinks Kanye West is a motorway Service Station on the M1! And she is 51 - two years younger than the other lady...

What's more, the husband of one of my sisters who is in his mid 50's likes to watch Laurel and Hardy films, which are much older than the cowboy and Indian films, and the husband of my friend who is in his late 50's, watches old 70's Comedies like Carry On films and Bless this house. And my sister and my friend have zero interest in all of this, yet they are both the same age as their husbands. And my grandmother who is nearly 90, likes Little Mix, and Adele, and she has Netflix, and watches Stranger Things and Orange is the New Black.

So I think liking stuff from the 70's, 60's, 50's, 40's, etc is not always about age. Similarly with illnesses; you can be like a spring chicken at 80, and totally independent, and very ill at 60. As I said earlier, you could get ill just as easily at 50 to 55, as you could at 70, and I know some people who became infirm and unable to look after themselves at the age of 52-55, and some people of 70 who can run a marathon.

Same here. My grandmother is much sharper than many friends of my generation (people in their 20's and 30's!)

Totally agree with your post.

Illness is not something we have much, if any, control over and people can become quite ill at any age.

I also agree with your comment about how it is down to "how young at heart you are". I know people in their 20's and 30's that act more like 50's and 60's and elderly people who are young at heart.

I am in my 60's and love going to the cinema - almost all my friends in my age group have not been to the cinema for over 20 years as it's too noisy/they don't like modern films/too full of youngsters etc etc.

I love music that came out when I was young and regularly play The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Monkees, Bowie etc. I also really like Justin Timberlake, Taylor Swift, Kings of Leon, MO. I listen to recent music on the radio all the time.

I know quite a few people in their 20's who listen to Bowie, Fleetwood Mac and others regularly

I am pretty up to date on singers, actors, films etc. Often most of my friends have never heard of any of the people I mention. I use the internet all the time - lots of my friends have never used it.

OH, who is younger than me, is fairly up to date on films and actors although I think that is mainly because I am but hasn't much of a clue about any modern music. His music tastes are really Roy Orbison, Buddy Holly and Sam Cooke. He also likes Laurel and Hardy films and Norman Wisdom! He does like new films too though and, like me, loves the cinema.

skint_chick

I don't think you should worry about the age difference - anyone can get ill at any age and need looking after, he could run off with someone else regardless of whether you're older/younger/wearing mini skirts. Being in love isn't just about looks! I think the worrying about women his own age issue will cause more problems than the actual chances he'll cheat.

If you both want the same things from a relationship then take it as it comes - although if you do want a family you may want to think about how that might look if you're not able to conceive naturally when the time comes - maybe adoption, surrogacy, IVF etc.

You should have a chat with your friends and let them know that the cradle snatcher comments bother you - if they're genuine friends they'll stop and will be happy you're happy

FBaby

My father is 12 years older than my step-mum, my mum was 14 years younger than my step-mum and my friend is 12 years younger than her husband.

In the case of my mum, it was an issue. My step-dad was old at heart and did look older. My mum was very young mentally and physically, so everyone they met for the first time systematically assumed he was her dad. It was fine until she was about 45 and he was almost 60 and he retired. She was still buzzing in her career whereas he got even older staying at home and gradually they drifted apart as just had less and less in common. He died at 68.

In the case of my dad and SM, you could hardly tell as my dad has always been active whereas my SM isn't and looks older. She retired at the same time than my dad so she acts more like someone in her now late 60s than most at her age, but it works for them.

My friend looks about her age, but her husband looks 10 year younger, so again, you wouldn't know there was an age gap. They both act younger in their ways and interests and their relationship is very strong, even in her early 50s, he's mid 60s.

Money_saving_maniac

Han_L wrote: »

Fbaby, we have discussed what we are both looking for in a partner. He knows I'm serious and I know, he too, is serious. Pollycat, although the cradle snatcher jokes are something I would rather they didn't say. I do believe they are joshing with me. If they said I was a cradle snatcher out of desperation. Then that would become an issue. The feeling like a black sheep is how I feel. It is difficult to engage with them about family related matters when I have no family of my own and at times, I do feel isolated from them.

What does worry me with his age would be females his own age. They are more aesthetically pleasing than I am. Although I think I look okay for my age, he isn't going to see me wearing mini skirts and 5 inch heels. He's a good guy, I do like him. There is something between us which is worth exploring. It's time do get myself off of the shelf and dust off those cobwebs. If it all goes pear shaped. I can live safe in the knowledge knowing it was my own decision to take this forward.

All I can say is I have had 2 long term relationships and both have had large age gaps.

The first was 22 years older than me and in the end we broke up because of his insane insecurity and jealousy, despite the fact we truly loved each other. We were together for 15 years.

My second husband is 17 years younger than me. I don't worry about the age gap at all. He knew what he was getting into, I talked about it, and really understood the potential problems because I'd been at the other end previously. I am not insecure in the slightest. He's with me because he wants to be, if he didn't want to be with me I would no longer want to be with him.

Do not let insecurity ruin your relationship.

Ozzuk

It can work, obviously, but there is an increased risk it won't IMO. I've been in both situations. When I was the younger man I think I always knew it wouldn't work long term, maybe I wasn't honest enough with myself or her at the start. But you often aren't, there is the excitement of a new relationship and best intentions etc.

With the increased risk of failure there is also the increased fallout - he's young, can likely move on easier, still meet someone and have a family etc. I'm around your age now and it does feel like I need to be more careful with relationship choices as I'm getting older as starting again is just a pain. You could end up having a 2-3 year relationship, he then realises what he's missing out on and you get dumped.

Maybe that won't happen, maybe you guys will work out and have an amazing life together - but you're already thinking of issue (younger women) after 3 dates so there is already insecurities which will likely only grow.

It's no reason not too try, just try and go into it with eyes open.