Engaged without proposing.

Amara

A bit out of topic, but why her nationality is so important? It's been mentioned her several times, but does it matter?

duchy

Of course nationality doesn't matter , some people just can't help themselves.

I have friends who married after their father died and they without exception all say that they felt a sadness on the day that their Dad wasn't there to give them away. As this couple plan to marry anyway in the foreseeable future making sure it is soon enough he can be there seems a no brainier. It seems like something anyone who loved their partner would want to do for them. Claiming they missed out on proposing when they have already agreed to marry sounds like an excuse (and to do with the OPs cold feet) and I think the fianc!es anger is understandable.

This nonsense about how a proposal has to be some big expansive gesture causes a lot of unhappiness. You only have to look at the "waiting for a proposal " thread and the disappointment and frustration these expectations can cause.

catkins

lincroft1710 wrote: »

I've been living with "Mrs" Lincroft over 20 yrs, except she's not "Mrs Lincroft", we have never married and have no intention of doing so. Also know of several couples in their 30s who been living together for years and have families, but no marriage certificate.

If a couple are happy living together and not marrying that is fine but both parties should be happy with that. The OH said he knew his girlfriend wants to marry and he is happy with that so why dragging his feet now?

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

We met on a blind date and got married after four months.

My son has been co-habiting for eight years and STILL doesn't know whether he wants to get married, although he loves his partner. They are not engaged.

We have friends who met and went out together, but not lived together, for ten years before they married

We have friends whom met , lived together, had children and grand-children, and got married after thirty years.

People are different, some are not bothered about marriage.

I think the OP was bothered about the speed of it, more than anything else.

I agree, some people are not bothered about marriage but the OP said they were going to get married.

I just can't understand couples living together for years and still not knowing if they want to get married, spend the rest of their lives together etc. It should not take that long to know.

I certainly would never have lived with someone for 5 or 8 years (or less for that matter) and not be engaged with a rough idea of when we were marrying.

Again, I don't see how you can use the words "the speed of it" when they have been together 5 years and marriage was on the cards

penguingirl

catkins wrote: »

I just can't understand couples living together for years and still not knowing if they want to get married, spend the rest of their lives together etc. It should not take that long to know.

Those are 2 different things. I've been with my OH for nearly 10 years, known him for 14. We're starting a family together. I still don't know if I want to get married (and neither does he). But I do know I want to spend the rest of my life with him (and him likewise)

I can see both sides from the OPs point of view. They had discussed and agreed marriage. But she didn't handle it very well and it was not nice to help herself to the ring. Question to OP is, is it a dealbreaker? If it isn't, marry her. If it is, don't.

seven-day-weekend

catkins wrote: »

If a couple are happy living together and not marrying that is fine but both parties should be happy with that. The OH said he knew his girlfriend wants to marry and he is happy with that so why dragging his feet now?




I agree, some people are not bothered about marriage but the OP said they were going to get married.

I just can't understand couples living together for years and still not knowing if they want to get married, spend the rest of[COLOR="blue"] their lives together etc. It should not take that long to know. I agree. I would like my son to marry his girlfriend. But it has to be their choice,[/COLOR]

I certainly would never have lived with someone for 5 or 8 years (or less for that matter) and not be engaged with a rough idea of when we were marrying. Nor me, but people are different.

Again, I don't see how you can use the words "the speed of it" when they have been together 5 years and marriage was on the cards

They'd decided to get married - but maybe he expected it to be next year, not next month. That's what I meant by the speed of it.

jackyann

Amara wrote: »

A bit out of topic, but why her nationality is so important? It's been mentioned her several times, but does it matter?

I think it's shorthand for saying she comes from a deeply Catholic background, probably from an area that was overwhelmingly Catholic. It's cultural / religious issues around the family rather than nationality as such.
Someone brought up in a secular family would be similarly upset about her father's illness and imminent death, but probably wouldn't have the same cultural issues around marriage.

SuzieSue

We only got married because of the tax advantages. Otherwise we wouldn't have bothered as it made no difference to our relationship.

The OP should not be forced in to marriage. This is one of the problems of cross-cultural relationships and there will probably be many more. The OP needs to decide if he is prepared to deal with them.

fairy_lights

SuzieSue wrote: »

The OP should not be forced in to marriage. This is one of the problems of cross-cultural relationships and there will probably be many more. The OP needs to decide if he is prepared to deal with them.

But he's not really being forced in to marriage though, they'd already discussed marriage and had the ring so the proposal is just a formality.

SuzieSue

fairy_lights wrote: »

But he's not really being forced in to marriage though, they'd already discussed marriage and had the ring so the proposal is just a formality.

He only had the ring because her father gave it to him. He is being railroaded into it by her and her father.

We don't know his financial situation but he may have much more to lose by getting married than her.

Amara

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

Do devout Catholics shack up with the opposite sex before marriage these days? I don't know, I'm out of touch.

I will just add, with the father dying and lack of future security there, be mindful of visa situations potentially coloring the picture. The father will want to know his daughter will be ok in this matter too.

I say this kindly, as I married for a visa myself, so I'm not passing a judgement here. I did it. Just pointing out that this particular need can accelerate things perhaps before a couple is quite ready.

Visa? What visa? She's Polish, Poland is in EU, so is UK (still) and she's been living here for at least 5 years, most likely more, so, if she wants, she can apply for citizenship in her own right. She doesn't need British husband to stay here.