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Engaged without proposing.
Comments
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But what does it mean "right"? Honestly, what does it mean for you? Do you want to big, fat wedding and can't afford for one at the moment? Or "right" means to marry "someday", but not yet? But when then, after 5 years and in mid-thirties you should know.
For her "right" means with her dad by her side.
I think by "right" he means he wants them to get married because they love each other, not in a cloud of bad feeling from arguments or because her dad wants to see her married. I'm sure they will sort it out when emotions aren't running so high and they've talked about it properly.0 -
He only had the ring because her father gave it to him. He is being railroaded into it by her and her father.
We don't know his financial situation but he may have much more to lose by getting married than her.
It does seem like it. OP writes...during September when we were in Poland she asked me if we can get married soon because she wants her dad to do the handover. I did agree to it knowing how much it would mean to them both.
So he only agreed to marry her one month ago because of Dad. It was GF's suggestion, not his. OP makes no indication that he would have proposed anyway. Not surprised OP feels rushed and bulldozered.
"Right" to me means because I want to of my own free will. Not because I am being guilt-tripped into it, not to make someone else happy and not because of pressure.0 -
during September when we were in Poland she asked me if we can get married soon because she wants her dad to do the handover. I did agree to it knowing how much it would mean to them both.
Well dont you think he should have said no at the time rather than saying yes and changing his mind.This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0 -
Well dont you think he should have said no at the time rather than saying yes and changing his mind.
Yes, he should have but he was probably put on the spot. It is the same when a man surprises a woman with a proposal. She is put on the spot too.
I have never understood how someone can propose to the person they presumably intend to spend the rest of their life with without discussing it before hand. What kind of relationship is it where a couple don't discuss marriage before one of them proposes?0 -
I'm wrestling my conscience with this one. I do love her and would be happy to spend the rest of my life with her. I did agree to marriage in a long discussion with her. The way she has done it is all wrong though. We're not engaged. The problem now being is the relationship to broken to fix this?He only had the ring because her father gave it to him. He is being railroaded into it by her and her father.
We don't know his financial situation but he may have much more to lose by getting married than her.
He's been with the woman long enough - Hardly seems as though he's being "railroaded into it". If he agreed to marriage then that's equivalent to a proposal surely? He either wants her or he doesn't. Maybe her timescales don't suit him, but maybe his don't suit her either.0 -
He's been with the woman long enough - Hardly seems as though he's being "railroaded into it". If he agreed to marriage then that's equivalent to a proposal surely? He either wants her or he doesn't. Maybe her timescales don't suit him, but maybe his don't suit her either.
He might want her but does not want to get married. Two of our male friends' wives have left them recently after 30 years of marriage. The men now have to go through expensive divorce proceedings. In both cases the man had inherited substantially from his parents. They now face having to share their inheritances with their wives. I'm sure they wish that they had not married. The same would be the case if the wives had inherited - they would have lost out if their husbands had left them.
The OP might not want to get married for the same reason.0 -
He might want her but does not want to get married. Two of our male friends' wives have left them recently after 30 years of marriage. The men now have to go through expensive divorce proceedings. In both cases the man had inherited substantially from his parents. They now face having to share their inheritances with their wives. I'm sure they wish that they had not married. The same would be the case if the wives had inherited - they would have lost out if their husbands had left them.
The OP might not want to get married for the same reason.
It's not much of a partnership if people don't share what they have. The point of marriage is that everything is valued rather than just money. What about the value of supporting your partner, perhaps prioritising their career over yours, or giving up yours to raise the chikdren, or caring for each others parents, etc. Just bringing marriage down to money misses the point.Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!0 -
It's not much of a partnership if people don't share what they have. The point of marriage is that everything is valued rather than just money. What about the value of supporting your partner, perhaps prioritising their career over yours, or giving up yours to raise the chikdren, or caring for each others parents, etc. Just bringing marriage down to money misses the point.
Yes, but you can do all those things without getting married.
Marriage is fine when finances are equal or if people stay married until death do them part but when they are unequal or the person who has brought very little to the marriage suddenly decides they want a divorce then then are very unfair.0 -
Yes, but you can do all those things without getting married.
Marriage is fine when finances are equal or if people stay married until death do them part but when they are unequal or the person who has brought very little to the marriage suddenly decides they want a divorce then then are very unfair.
No that's your opinion. Many go into a marriage with unequal finances or the knowledge that their finances will become unequal, with the intention to share everything, will make decisions that are the best for them as a family rather than as individuals, will care for their children, will possibly need to look after each other should one become ill, unable to work, lose their job, or permanently disabled, etc. Being an unmarried couple is probably easier if you earn the same as courts for unmarried people only can look at finances and can't value these other things. Plus why should people do these things when unmarried if it will leave them at risk in a seperation of being very much less well off than if they hadn't? Why would a loving partner put them in that position?
I don't know why you are heading down this path when the OP has said they do want to marry and hasn't given any indication that I remember of having unequal finances? There's already been a big thread on marriage recently so i'm leaving this now.Don't listen to me, I'm no expert!0 -
He might want her but does not want to get married. Two of our male friends' wives have left them recently after 30 years of marriage. The men now have to go through expensive divorce proceedings. In both cases the man had inherited substantially from his parents. They now face having to share their inheritances with their wives. I'm sure they wish that they had not married. The same would be the case if the wives had inherited - they would have lost out if their husbands had left them.
The OP might not want to get married for the same reason.
That's NOT what he said - see quote below:But we had a disagreement over when we would get married. She wanted to get married within weeks, i didn't.0
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