Engaged without proposing.

System

I don't understand the fuss. If you've previously agreed to get married and you still intend to marry her, what's the drama?

Maybe I'm missing something here?

catkins

I am wondering why after 5 years together you are not already at least engaged or even married.

It's not like you are both only teenagers or even in your early 20's is it?

peachyprice

Judi wrote: »

I don't understand the fuss. If you've previously agreed to get married and you still intend to marry her, what's the drama?

Maybe I'm missing something here?

I think the point you're missing is the 'this is want I want, this is what we're doing, if you don't like it just divorce me after I've had my own way' fait accompli OP has been presented with.

System

peachyprice wrote: »

I think the point you're missing is the 'this is want I want, this is what we're doing, if you don't like it just divorce me after I've had my own way' fait accompli OP has been presented with.

Well that's just plain stupid but I can see she's desperate to make her Dad happy by forcing the issue.

Pixie5740

peachyprice wrote: »

I think the point you're missing is the 'this is want I want, this is what we're doing, if you don't like it just divorce me after I've had my own way' fait accompli OP has been presented with.

On the other hand the OP has kept someone, to whom marriage is very important, dangling for 5 years. It's time to !!!! or get off the pot.

She's in her mid-30s and if the OP doesn't want to commit now he has to let her know because there's a danger that she is going to waste her remaining good years for getting pregnant with someone who doesn't really want to commit.

I get that it feels a bit rushed for the OP but after 5 years you should know whether or not you want to marry someone. In terms of "I want," the OP seems to want the big, fancy proposal more that his gf wants to get married and wants to please her dying father.

Person_one

peachyprice wrote: »

I think the point you're missing is the 'this is want I want, this is what we're doing, if you don't like it just divorce me after I've had my own way' fait accompli OP has been presented with.

But that came after he agreed to marry her soon and got her mum's ring to give to her...

chesky

I think the OP can no longer have it both ways. They've been living 'as man and wife' for five years, so he either has to decide if he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, or end the relationship. Anything else is just deceitful.

FBaby

To be fair on OP, we don't know why he didn't want a quick wedding and his reasons might have nothing to do with his feelings and having doubts. It could very well be to do with costs (maybe they had already agreed on a posh one and OP doesn't want to borrow money.

seven-day-weekend

I may be in a minority of one here and not very popular (that's as per usual then); but it does seem to me as though the girlfriend is putting her father's wishes before her boyfriend's.

I appreciate that her father has a terminal illness, but not to be unkind, that's in a way all the more reason to consider the boyfriend's point of view. He'll be there (hopefully!) after her father has died. What if they have got married whn he didn't really want to, just to please her father? It could be a recipe for disaster,

I understand her wish to grant her dying father his wish, but she absolutely has to think beyond that to what the future will hold afterwards.

Can there not be a compromise, with them telling the dad that they are engaged (with the OP's consent of course), but not getting married until both are ready - which may even be soon, once she has stopped putting the OP under pressure.

Bricked

Excuse me for not getting back to this sooner. Every time i've tried to log on this morning, there was a 404 error message. We've talked last night and we're going to talk again this evening when she gets home from work. I see people mentioning me swearing at her. That was said in the heat of the moment and i'm not going to drag her name through the mud by repeating what she said but we were both in the wrong and i'm not proud of what i've said.

On the other hand i'm not selfish. I know time is of the essance. Perhaps a small dose of cold feet interfered. Marriage is a big commitment and i guess i wanted to know if she wants to marry me because she loves me as well and not because she only wants to do it to make her dad happy. The way she handled the proposal and telling me to divorce her afterwards only added to my cold feet. We'll discuss everything later. She has asked for an honest and transparent talk and once the air has been cleared and she understands how i feel, then we can proceed with the wedding. I do love her and i do want to marry her but lets do it right so it is a happy day that will live long in the memory.