Engaged without proposing.

Robisere

Take a little time out here to stop thinking about the why's and wherefores of the situation and just ask yourself this:

How would you feel if the relationship ended, completely blew up, and you had to go on with your life without ever seeing her again? Could you live without this lady? Think seriously about that, just imagine that really happening.

That should wake you up to the choice you have here: either you really love her and absolutely, definitely want (no, need) to wake up next to her for the rest of her life. OR you don't.

One last point; she has said that she wants you to marry her asap, and that "..you can always divorce afterwards." As the citizen of a mostly fiercely Roman Catholic country, that is an unusual thing to say. Either it is a strongly emotional sacrifice on her part to even contemplate such a thing, due to her father's situation, or she is not strong in her faith. If it's the former, then her father has a very loving daughter. Imagine having that kind of love as yours, for the rest of your life.

Your decision, but I would imagine that most men who were in love with the woman you describe, would marry her.

Person_one

Bricked wrote: »

I'll reply to more of your questions later on i'm on a quick break before afternoon tea service starts. With the way this has happened i feel like it looks like i'm only marrying her because her dad is dying. With my proposal i planned on telling her that i'm marrying her because i love her. The main arguing is over her lying to her dad its not something i'm happy about. I know she is trying to keep his spirits up but dont do it on a lie. When she mentioned that i can divorce her afterwards it makes me think she feels i dont love her.

She didn't lie to her dad, she told him you were engaged, which is true because you had talked about and agreed that you would get married.

So you do want to marry her, but you don't want to marry her quickly to make her and dad very happy, and its because you love her? That doesn't make any sense, sorry. If you really do love her enough to marry her anyway, even if the situation with her dad wasn't happening, why do you not love her enough to do it quickly so that she can have that memory with her dad and he can walk her down the aisle while he still can?

She probably does feel that you don't love her to be honest, which must feel like absolute cr*p on top of what she'll be feeling about losing her dad.

Its not at all unusual to bring a wedding forward because of a loved one's terminal illness. Nobody will think anything negative about you, most people would find it touching and positive. Tell her you're really sorry, you love her, you've been an idiot, you want to put it behind you and you want to book a wedding for whenever she wants it and to make the arrangements to get her dad there on the day and that you have absolutely no intention of divorcing her afterwards or ever.

[Deleted User]

Bricked wrote: »

With the way this has happened i feel like it looks like i'm only marrying her because her dad is dying. With my proposal i planned on telling her that i'm marrying her because i love her.

I'd just tell her that (you love her, and would marry her anyway), you don't have to be on one knee, with a ring in your hand - just speak honestly to your partner. Please don't put your dream proposal above your partner and your relationship - it's just one moment in a long life together.

In fact, given the understandably high emotions at the moment, it would probably be a good idea to let her keep her late mum's ring on her finger unless she volunteers it to you. She is probably drawing some comfort from it in these difficult times.

Best wishes, and congratulations on your engagement.

Sambella

if you were my son I would caution against getting married if it is because the father may die soon.

Why not agree to be engaged but not rush the marriage? That could be a good compromise.

paddy's_mum

I'm going to go against the grain of the majority of the replies on here and say that I can see why the OP may feel uneasy. It's almost as though he is being bulldozed by someone else's timescale, someone else's dream and not his own. He must feel a bit like a cork caught in a torrent.

I suspect too that he finds the suggestion to subsequently divorce to be rather unpalatable - there is something decidedly odd in standing at the altar vowing this that and the other when the couple both know that it may be for family dynamics/diplomacy only. I understand that it probably isn't so but the very suggestion might create an unsettling feeling of being manipulated, almost an I-need-a-wedding-and-you'll-do kind of thought.

What's for sure is that storming out, separate rooms and the cold shoulder treatment isn't going to get anyone very far so, as always, TALK to one another before things break down to a point where the relationship is beyond saving.

Good luck.

Takeaway_Addict

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I'm going to go against the grain of the majority of the replies on here and say that I can see why the OP may feel uneasy. It's almost as though he is being bulldozed by someone else's timescale, someone else's dream and not his own. He must feel a bit like a cork caught in a torrent.

I suspect too that he finds the suggestion to subsequently divorce to be rather unpalatable - there is something decidedly odd in standing at the altar vowing this that and the other when the couple both know that it may be for family dynamics/diplomacy only. I understand that it probably isn't so but the very suggestion might create an unsettling feeling of being manipulated, almost an I-need-a-wedding-and-you'll-do kind of thought.

What's for sure is that storming out, separate rooms and the cold shoulder treatment isn't going to get anyone very far so, as always, TALK to one another before things break down to a point where the relationship is beyond saving.

Good luck.

This is spot on...I feel for the OP...alot of pressure on him at the mo!

lika_86

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I'm going to go against the grain of the majority of the replies on here and say that I can see why the OP may feel uneasy. It's almost as though he is being bulldozed by someone else's timescale, someone else's dream and not his own. He must feel a bit like a cork caught in a torrent.

Normally I'd agree but I do sort of feel like after five years he should know whether he wants to marry this girl or not. This might have been a push sooner than the OP anticipated but I'd have thought that most people know after that length of time whether they are in it for the long run or just enjoying it for what it is while it lasts.

Person_one

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

This is spot on...I feel for the OP...alot of pressure on him at the mo!

If he hadn't said repeatedly that he loves her and would want to marry her anyway, I might agree. He hasn't once expressed that he has doubts about being with her or getting married, just about the circumstances and not having the proposal the way he was planning it.

I think he needs to prioritise her now, get over his disappointment about how its all come about and crack on with making this memory for her with her dad (and I say this as somebody who really dislikes the 'dad walking down the aisle and giving daughter away' tradition and would usually argue against it!)

FBaby

I expect the comment about 'you can divorce me afterwards' were words thrown into the argument out of frustration.

All this comes down to is a misunderstanding of intention. She assumed that you were agreeing on the concept of 'soon'. You clearly were not and that's what caused all the trouble.

I was not happy with her lying and forcing the marriage on me when i've not proposed.

I think you were both wrong. When you agree to marry her 'soon', you told her there and then what your intentions were, so not sure how you can consider that you are being forced into a marriage. I understand her confusion because from her perspective, you were 'engaged' the moment you said you would marry her soon, giving her the ring was only making it official.

Also, I understand her confusion as to your reaction with the timescales. If her dad is terminally ill and has been so since at least September, then isn't it a matter of weeks before he becomes too ill to enjoy the day, or have you had confirmation that although terminal, he has years left to live? I can understand that she has interpreted your negative response to a quick wedding as you having second thoughts. I would have been very hurt too.

Saying that, her reaction to this was very odd and I would have expected the last thing to do after such a discussion would be to start announcing your intention to marry to everyone. Or maybe she did it for that reason, to see what your reaction would be as if indeed you had second thoughts, then you would have no choice at this stage to say so.

So really, it only comes down to one thing. After agreeing with her to go ahead with the wedding SOON, why is SOON now an issue?

-taff

If I loved someone, I was going to marry them anyway, but of necessity the marriage had to moved due to the only living parents imminent death, I wouldn't be hesitating.
I would be marrying them.