Engaged without proposing.

moneyistooshorttomention

I'm remembering back to what my parents said about when they got together. My father said that he never proposed to my mother as such. They both sort of assumed they were going to do so and started planning it by the sound of it. This was back in the 1950s.

But I still wonder what is actually happening here is whether you arent sure whether you both have different cultural expectations as to how life will be - and that is what you need to sort out between you.

Goodness knows - that if the clock rolled back 30 years or so and I was in the "marrying age group" still I now realise that I would have to have rather more conversations with any man I met here in West Wales than I would have to in my own area (ie West Country) and that's people of the same nationality (ie British). I would have the fear otherwise he would expect our relationship to be more "traditional old-fashioned" than I would and/or expect me to learn Welsh (if he were a Welsh speaker himself) . So it wouldnt do for me to go into a marriage knowing it was going to be a marriage of equals (including him doing 50% of the housework) and that I wouldnt be learning Welsh - whereas he was assuming I would be more of a traditional "woman" and would learn it. We'd darn soon be on the rocky road to divorce if we hadn't discussed these things and found out what our respective attitudes/expectations were (ie to see if they were the same). I certainly wouldnt budge on those two major points (as they are very basic/important to me) - so I would need to find out if our relationship was going to be over before the marriage (rather than afterwards) if he wouldnt accept those two things.

As someone who never wanted children - that wouldnt come into it. But, if I had wanted children, then we'd also need to discuss whether they would be going to a Welsh language school or no before rather than afterwards. That would be a 3rd dealbreaker to me personally. Religion is a "what the heck - be whatever you want" thing to me - as long as they're not fundamentalist of any religion (as I've watched an atheist father and Anglican mother manage okay on that difference over the years) - so I couldnt care less about that one.

Gloomendoom

Money_maker wrote: »

Don't use google translate either, I've been told that it basically translates to gibberish.

It can indeed translate to gibberish... as I found to my cost a few years ago when trying to cheat with my French evening class homework. At least the rest of the class thought it was funny. :embarasse

AylesburyDuck

CHRISSYG wrote: »

My husband didn't "officially" ask me its something we discussed and agreed to do. It 's made no difference to us although my daughter finds it funny for some reason !
Op get over it , if you as you say want to marry her then do it if not stop stringing her along.

Pretty much this, OH never proposed, it was a "hey why dont we" kind of a thing (after 3 months together), and the year after we did. That was over 30 years ago, he'd of got less for murder.
OP you obviously discussed it because she wanted to marry within weeks and you didnt, maybe she still saw that as a proposal.
Get over it, or if its a deal breaker sort it.
Poo, or get off the pot. :rotfl:

fairy_lights

Gloomendoom wrote: »

It can indeed translate to gibberish... as I found to my cost a few years ago when trying to cheat with my French evening class homework. At least the rest of the class thought it was funny. :embarasse

That happened in my Spanish class recently, one guy tried to describe himself as 'self-employed' but what he actually said was that he was 'very hungry' :rotfl:

sheramber

What is the real problem ?

she asked me if we can get married soon

I did agree to

She proposed to you and you accepted. No need or point in another proposal.
If it was so important to you to propose you would have done it sooner. Do you really want to get married or were you happy as you were and now uncomfortable with an impending marriage?

AubreyMac

I know her dads time left make it more urgent, but I'd be wary of feeling rushed.


You want to marry her anyway. So why not do it sooner rather than later because it is important to her? you could always have a blessing of renewal of vows later on when you're both ready to. Missing out on her father walking her down the aisle she may resent you forever. But likewise you could resent her for rushing you.

Amara

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

Have you bothered discussing the type of wedding? If she wants a Catholic ceremony, you are going to have to convert, or pretend to. Are you prepared to do that? Be aware that you can't just book a church- they will require evidence that you are of their faith, so a registry office ceremony may be quickest.

You are effectively in mourning the moment someone is diagnosed with a terminal illness; so your girlfriend is very vulnerable right now.

Not true. It is perfectly possible to marry in Catholic Church without being Catholic. All OP will have to do , is to declare he'll never will try to stop his wife to practise her faith. Evidence of faith will be required from OP's fianc!e only, not him. Church will probably advise children should be brought as Catholics, but it's not essential.

Bricked

I'll reply to more of your questions later on i'm on a quick break before afternoon tea service starts. With the way this has happened i feel like it looks like i'm only marrying her because her dad is dying. With my proposal i planned on telling her that i'm marrying her because i love her. The main arguing is over her lying to her dad its not something i'm happy about. I know she is trying to keep his spirits up but dont do it on a lie. When she mentioned that i can divorce her afterwards it makes me think she feels i dont love her.

Pixie5740

You're in your mid-30s, you've been together 5 years, you know marriage is a big deal to her. I'm surprised that ill father or not you've managed to trundle along for 5 years without being engaged for at least part of that time.

People get engaged because they want to get married so it should make no difference if the wedding is in a few weeks or few years (although I don't really see the point of long engagements). Do you actually want to marry this women now or ever?

-taff

Bricked wrote: »

With the way this has happened i feel like it looks like i'm only marrying her because her dad is dying. With my proposal i planned on telling her that i'm marrying her because i love her. The main arguing is over her lying to her dad its not something i'm happy about. I know she is trying to keep his spirits up but dont do it on a lie. When she mentioned that i can divorce her afterwards it makes me think she feels i dont love her.

You were marrying her anyway, it's just sooner than you thought.

She said you can divorce her because she thinks you don't want to get married to her.


I think you're being silly. If you've been together 5 years, you were going to get married anyway, you love her and she loves you, just get married. It'll please her, him and you.

You're getting hung up on a proposal, there's a forest out there, not just the trees. Just make it plain to her you are asking her because you love her, so phone her and tell her.