Engaged without proposing.

Person_one

If you've both agreed to get married, you're engaged, that's what it means. A formal proposal is not required.

That's not the issue though is it, really?

Your girlfriend's dad is dying, she's in a foreign country hundreds of miles away, and he's also her last remaining family member even though she's only in her 30s so presumably she's had some major losses already.

She'll be feeling about a million emotions at once. She'll be devastated about losing her dad, guilty and sad at not being closer, confused and upset that the one thing her dad would want before he dies is not something that she's able to do for him without your help, contemplating the future with no family ties, wondering if you are her future family, wanting comfort and support from you desperately but also now questioning your 5 year relationship if she had assumed that marriage was where you were heading and is now doubting that.

You've been together a substantial amount of time, after 5 years were you not thinking about the future anyway? Does she want children? Do you? In your mid thirties I'd be amazed if these topics hadn't already been discussed in depth.

hazyjo

Why do you want a long engagement?


You got the ring, you were talking about it... something has got lost in translation and she believed you were proposing.


If you want to marry her, just do it.


Jx

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Have you bothered discussing the type of wedding? If she wants a Catholic ceremony, you are going to have to convert, or pretend to. Are you prepared to do that? Be aware that you can't just book a church- they will require evidence that you are of their faith, so a registry office ceremony may be quickest.

You are effectively in mourning the moment someone is diagnosed with a terminal illness; so your girlfriend is very vulnerable right now.

lika_86

Realistically, her dad probably has months, rather than years, so I understand why when you said you didn't want to get married within her suggested timescale of weeks that she got upset. It sounds to me like she just wants to make her dad happy and is fixating on that a bit too much right now.

You agreed to marriage with her in a discussion so I can see that from her point of view (and that it's her mum's ring anyway) that she sees you as engaged and therefore has told people you are. It sounds like you're a bit hurt that you didn't have the chance to do your bit of the whole engagement thing - the proposal. You both need to calm down a bit and have a real talk where you're honest with each other. And apologise for swearing at her.

rach_k

In normal circumstances, I would be pretty annoyed if my partner did that - taking the ring, telling people I'd proposed etc. It may not be the important thing, but there is/can be something lovely about the actual proposal and I would be upset at not getting to do that. You know her so you should know if this is normal behaviour or just down to the horrible situation with her dad. I suspect the latter and, if that's the case, I think you just need to let it go. Or perhaps you can find a way that won't upset anybody to 'reclaim' the proposal, maybe go out for a nice walk holding hands (text her asking her to go on a walk to talk things over, if that's the only way), wiggle the ring off her finger (or substitute it for a jelly sweet ring) then bend down quickly before she can protest and ask her properly. If you think laughter would help, run off with it and then come back, just something to lighten the mood. Pick a pretty place and ta-da, you have a nice proposal, and in a couple of years time you have a great story e.g. she was so desperate to snap you up that she proposed to herself and ran off with the ring but eventually you managed to ask her properly. It sounds like you both want to get married so it would be sad to let this all prevent that.

jackieblack

CHRISSYG wrote: »

My husband didn't "officially" ask me its something we discussed and agreed to do.

Same here
I would have HATED some formal 'down on one knee' palaver (and my reaction would probably have been to say 'no' if he'd done that!)
......

Money_maker

Bricked wrote: »

She is sleeping in a different room and is just telling me to marry her for her dads sake and to then divorce her afterwards.

If you're having any doubts at all then don't do it, certainly not to please her dying father. It sounds as though there's a lot of emotional pressure on you.


Don't use google translate either, I've been told that it basically translates to gibberish. Shame really but I think a lot gets lost in translation.

moneyistooshorttomention

In her position - ie we had discussed getting married and I had the ring - then I would regard myself as engaged (even if I hadnt had a formal proposal). So she was telling the truth when she said she was imo.

But - fair enough - do the formal proposal/on one knee/etc bit if that's what makes you happy and confirms in your own mind that you are definitely engaged.

You've got a lot of communication "barriers" that you both need to get through anyway by the sound of it. With her coming from a different country - then I'd be thinking along lines personally of her accepting our joint language was now English (ie she is here in Britain now) on the one hand, but accepting that it would be a catholic ceremony for the wedding itself (to please her) on the other hand.

NB; With her being Catholic - I do hope you've discussed what happens re children (or otherwise) after marriage. Wise to make sure you are "on the same page" about whether to/when to/how many/etc in advance of a wedding - just in case her attitude on that changes after marriage to what it is right now and you found she expected to have more children than you want.

KRB2725

Whilst I had never wanted a huge wedding, being married was something that was very important to me. I am also very close to my parents and knew that giving me away would be one of the proudest days of my Dad's life.

If my husband hadn't agreed to get married and something had happened to my Dad, I would have been devastated. I just could not imagine getting married without him being there.

I honestly don't see why you are making this so hard for your girlfriend. She is about to lose her Dad and just wants him to see her married and be part of her day. If you love her and are happy to marry her, then you should be doing all you can to help her achieve her dream, not put obstacles in her way.

My husband didn't propose to me, we just decided to get married in a two minute conversation, I didn't even have a ring. Marriage is not about a ring, a proposal or a party. Let go of the trivia.

ERICS_MUM

A good Catholic Polish woman who is still single in her mid-thirties is probably 'unusual' in Poland, and is compounding her desire to please her Dad.