Engaged without proposing.

Bricked

As crazy as that sounds it has happened. My Polish girlfriend found out in May that her dad has stage 4 terminal cancer. He's the only close relative she has left. He lives in Poland, we live here in the UK. Finding out he is terminal has really hurt her which i fully understand. She wants to make the most of the time he has left and every time we've visited him in the last couple of years he has asked me when i'm going to propose to his daughter.

We are both in our mid 30's. Been together 5 years and i've always known marriage is a big deal to her. She is catholic and during September when we were in Poland she asked me if we can get married soon because she wants her dad to do the handover. I did agree to it knowing how much it would mean to them both. She's a very beautiful slavic girl, well educated, kind, polite, funny, caring, sweet, stern, fair and i do love her.

We went out to a restaurant when we came back to the UK. It was there where i was going to propose to her. But we had a disagreement over when we would get married. She wanted to get married within weeks, i didn't. She stormed out and went home. Her dad knew i was going to propose to her because he gave me her mums ring. The next day she took the ring when i was at work and put it on. She then skyped with her dad telling him i've proposed.

I was not happy with her lying and forcing the marriage on me when i've not proposed. We've argued a lot up until now where it has reached boiling point. She is sleeping in a different room and is just telling me to marry her for her dads sake and to then divorce her afterwards. I did swear at her and told her to stop being a childish little !!!!!. She has stopped talking to me since that happened.

I'm wrestling my conscience with this one. I do love her and would be happy to spend the rest of my life with her. I did agree to marriage in a long discussion with her. The way she has done it is all wrong though. We're not engaged. The problem now being is the relationship to broken to fix this?

There is only one way i know that will get her talking to me and that is to use google translate and text her something in Polish. When we first met, i was trying to chat her up when we were texting and she sent back telling me i was just like all the other english guys. I replied with stane polskie dla ciebe which was meant to say i will become Polish for you but it didn't quite translate well enough. It did work and that night we had a conversation in Polish until 5am with me translating through google and that moment was the begininning of the relationship. I'm lost for words. I've never sworn at her before and i dont like living the way we are. The relationship has always been good. This rough patch is something i dont know how to deal with.

Make of this what you can. For the last 1hr 37 minutes i've been sat here thinking and writing. Some words of wisdom from someone who can help wouldn't go a miss. I was thinking and writing so long that when i clicked to post this i had been logged out. Love does affect the mind worse than anything.

GlasweJen

If you were truly a Polish Catholic or wished to become one to win her over you'd have been married years ago! A 5 year relationship and living together would be frowned on over there as I'm sure you know.

Her dads on a clock and you were going to propose anyway, it's not like she's some mental bunny boiler who bought herself an Argos ring and is telling everyone you gave her it.

Text her in polish, ask her to marry you and have the heart to heart later. The poor lass is probably stressed out her box trying to keep dads spirits up, knowing she's about to become an orphan (hurts at any age apparently) and you're picking fights about when you'll do it? No offence but chances are he won't be about if you keep dragging your feet.

TeamPlum

Not entirely sure what your issue is? If you have no issues in marrying her, and you love her and want to be with her, then marry her.

Yes it's a big deal, but i can assure you it doesnt actually change your life that much.

jackieblack

You don't need an 'official' formal proposal to become engaged.
She asked if you could get married soon, you agreed. When you agreed to get married, you were engaged from that moment, with or without a ring. Not sure what your issue is tbh.
Her dad is on a limited timeframe. You need to man up and do as you promised (to get married soon).

Someone I work with was in a similar position to your girlfriend. By the time she and her boyfriend stopped playing games ( he wanted a big deal 'surprise' proposal) her dad took a turn for the worse and passed away sooner than expected. Consequently he never saw his daughter married and she didn't have her dad at her wedding.

whitewing

My initial thoughts are that you may like her very much but you don't care enough to marry her.

Then I reread your post and I think it is just that you feel the proposal/wedding that you thought you'd have has been taken away from you.

What do your own family feel about it?

Decide that you will marry her very soon, and then propose properly. Then enjoy the wedding.

Longer term, maybe plan for a honeymoon of your dreams in a few years.

lush_walrus

Your girlfriend is having a hard time, her dad's dying. She is probably acting a bit out of character, making irrational decisions and as all of us taking it out on those closest.

But, for me personally her behaviour would scare me and make me wonder whether this is a actually the real her I would be getting in the future.

As a result I personally would not talk about it anymore until things were back to normal, let her calm down and then see how you feel about it then. You obviously need to both talk about what has happened it's not something you can leave unsaid. It's a risky thing you could both either choose to bring up again each argument you have.

Wait, let things calm down and then talk about it properly. Do you know how long doctors have given her dad?

ognum

I would like you to think about you relationship from another angle. If, he Dad die in a few weeks and you have not got married how will this change things.

Can you cope with her loss and grief of what she did not give herself and her father? Do you care? Does it matter to you?

She does appear to be determined and dominant about this, why so? Can you put yourself in her shoes?

Is this just an easy relationship for you to stay in but you don't actually care enough, do you think there is someone better out there for you?

BrassicWoman

Bricked wrote: »

I do love her and would be happy to spend the rest of my life with her.

That's a million miles away from "can't live without her" - you make it sound like you'd be doing her a favour.

Under the circumstances I think if I had truly found "the one" we'd have been married as soon as dad fell ill; because her peace of mind would matter more to me than some woolly old ideas about proposals I had in my head.

Why are you really not married yet? Something here is more important to you than her feelings. What is it?

FBaby

Take it as a 'test' about learning to communicate appropriately when faced with a conflict/stressful event which is something you want to be sure you can do before you are married because if you can't do that, your marriage is doomed to fail sooner rather than later. Forget the 'writing in Polish', you shouldn't have to go to this extent to be able to discuss things with her.

Suggest you go somewhere over the week-end to discuss the situation. This will give you both some time to cool down and think things through. Go somewhere nice and start talking.

Her position from what I can guess from your post. She comes from a traditional family where girls dream of the day they will walk down the aisle with her dad. Maybe it told her many times over the years how he will be the proudest dad ever when that happens. She desperately wants to fulfill this dream and she is massively hurt that you are putting a stop to it. Her view is, either you want to marry her or not and if you do want to, then why can't you allow her to fulfill this dream for her and her dad? She is starting to feel insecure and wondering whether you said ok just to appease her/her dad but maybe you are having second thoughts.

From your perspective, what is the main reason why you don't want to do it so quickly? Is it because indeed, you are having doubts, or is it because you want to do do it 'properly', or maybe save money first etc... It doesn't sound like it is the second, so if it the other reasons, could you compromise, have a wedding in Poland with her family the way she would like it, and then have another ceremony in the UK after her dad has passed away and she's grieved, with your friends and family and she can then celebrate the life of her dad too? Or something like that?

Either way, you NEED to talk, or more clearly, you both NEED to listen. Good luck.

dirty_magic

Would you have married her if her dad wasn't ill? You can't marry someone just because their dying father wants you to; I don't want to sound heartless but when he's gone it's you that will have to deal with the fallout of a marriage that you didn't really want.

Something in your post makes it seem like you're not 100% sure this is what you want, and I don't think that's a good basis for a marriage.

System

My husband didn't "officially" ask me its something we discussed and agreed to do. It 's made no difference to us although my daughter finds it funny for some reason !
Op get over it , if you as you say want to marry her then do it if not stop stringing her along.