Engaged without proposing.

lika_86

Thanks for the update OP. I hope you both get what you want out of tonight's talk and get to a place you're both happy with.

Best of luck (let us know how it goes).

Amara

Bricked wrote: »

I do love her and i do want to marry her but lets do it right so it is a happy day that will live long in the memory.

But what does it mean "right"? Honestly, what does it mean for you? Do you want to big, fat wedding and can't afford for one at the moment? Or "right" means to marry "someday", but not yet? But when then, after 5 years and in mid-thirties you should know.
For her "right" means with her dad by her side.

Primrose

[QUOTE=Bricked;71478123._The_main_arguing_is_over_her_lying_to_her_dad_its_not_something_i'm_happy_about._I_know_she_is_trying_to_keep_his_spirits_up_but_dont_do_it_on_a_lie._.[/QUOTE]


How many people are there amongst us who have told a lie, or a white lie, to a loved one who is dying, to try and reduce their mental torment? I suspect you have never found yourself in this horrible position. Don't judge your girlfriend badly for trying to make her father's last weeks or months as emotionally uplifting as possible. He is alone in Poland and dying. Doesn't he deserve something to make his diminishing time happy?

FBaby

Thanks for the update, I'm sure all will go well and you'll look back at this with a smile on your face. OH and I experience a similar issue when it came to our engagement, but thankfully went ahead with it and we had an amazing wedding and been very happily married since!

She has asked for an honest and transparent talk and once the air has been cleared and she understands how i feel, then we can proceed with the wedding. I do love her and i do want to marry her but lets do it right so it is a happy day that will live long in the memory.

Just on this point, it is important that she understands why you were angry, but you also need to listen to her and understand why she was angry. You said it yourself, you had a moment of cold feet, but you need to take responsibility for the fact that you had told her you wanted to marry her and to do soon, so she had no reason to doubt that you didn't mean it. If you were not 100% certain then, you shouldn't have led her on in front of her parents. It is not her fault that you subsequently suffered from cold feet.

Listen to each other, put it all behind and have a wonderful wedding.

Lbuk

Seems like a very simple situation to me.

You love her and want to marry her and she loves you and wants to marry you.

She wants to speed up the process for her dad because he is dying, I don't know why you would deny her that.

catkins

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I may be in a minority of one here and not very popular (that's as per usual then); but it does seem to me as though the girlfriend is putting her father's wishes before her boyfriend's.

I appreciate that her father has a terminal illness, but not to be unkind, that's in a way all the more reason to consider the boyfriend's point of view. He'll be there (hopefully!) after her father has died. What if they have got married whn he didn't really want to, just to please her father? It could be a recipe for disaster,

I understand her wish to grant her dying father his wish, but she absolutely has to think beyond that to what the future will hold afterwards.

Can there not be a compromise, with them telling the dad that they are engaged (with the OP's consent of course), but not getting married until both are ready - which may even be soon, once she has stopped putting the OP under pressure.

If he doesn't really want to marry her why is he still with her after 5 years?

I don't understand either your comment about them not getting married until they are both ready. Again, after 5 years together they must know whether they want to spend the rest of their lives together and if they do why not get married?

I know me and OH got married very quickly after meeting (we both believe when you meet "the one" you know pretty quickly) but 5 years and not even engaged!

lincroft1710

catkins wrote: »

If he doesn't really want to marry her why is he still with her after 5 years?

I've been living with "Mrs" Lincroft over 20 yrs, except she's not "Mrs Lincroft", we have never married and have no intention of doing so. Also know of several couples in their 30s who been living together for years and have families, but no marriage certificate.

seven-day-weekend

catkins wrote: »

If he doesn't really want to marry her why is he still with her after 5 years?

I don't understand either your comment about them not getting married until they are both ready. Again, after 5 years together they must know whether they want to spend the rest of their lives together and if they do why not get married?

I know me and OH got married very quickly after meeting (we both believe when you meet "the one" you know pretty quickly) but 5 years and not even engaged!

We met on a blind date and got married after four months.

My son has been co-habiting for eight years and STILL doesn't know whether he wants to get married, although he loves his partner. They are not engaged.

We have friends who met and went out together, but not lived together, for ten years before they married

We have friends whom met , lived together, had children and grand-children, and got married after thirty years.

People are different, some are not bothered about marriage.

I think the OP was bothered about the speed of it, more than anything else.

mellymoo74

Luckily my husband loved my dad as much as I did, so when we brought the wedding (I never wanted lol) forward by years because my dad was terminal he agreed.

Oh

I also never got a proposal but as I never wanted to get married again the lack of bended knee and other deeply embarrassing things was fine with me.

Any

lincroft1710 wrote: »

I've been living with "Mrs" Lincroft over 20 yrs, except she's not "Mrs Lincroft", we have never married and have no intention of doing so. Also know of several couples in their 30s who been living together for years and have families, but no marriage certificate.

That is fine if that works for both of you.

My OH was divorced when we met and 2 serious girfriends left him because he wouldn't marry again.
He never waivered with me. He knew it is important to me, and it felt right and good. So we married.

Sometimes it's just right.

While I agree that OP is probably feeling the pressure and flinching... after 5 years if he said we will get married soon and then backtracked...I would be very much questioning if he ever meant it.
And on top of my dad dying I would be wondering where to go next from here.. and if I just wasted 5 years on empty promises.

Oh and Polish are very hot blooded...not surprised about her outburst and suggestion made in anger!!
On the other hand you also get most loyal partner. It's the way they are built.