I think we've reached the end of the road. What now?

pushing40

I don't know if he would ever hit me or not. He definitely thought about it, I could just tell and he said if I was a man he'd have knocked me out.

No, I have never (nor would ever) put pressure on him to see his family. His family, his choice. I was more making the point for readers of this thread that, whilst it may be an unusual situation, it is what it is. I was merely addressing some of the previous speculation over it.

I see now that what I thought were subtle tongue in cheek requests were anything but subtle. However, my point all along is that surely while we're both in the house, we both have a responsibility to raise the kids and muck in. I work AND do chores and raise the kids. He works longer hours but some of you are implying that working full-time means he gets to do nothing when not at work?! Really? Are we in the 1930s?

I tried to walk away when he started to shout. He walked after me and backed me into a corner, pushing me double handed on the shoulders. Sorry, totally disproportionate to what had gone on. Like I said, it's not like he'd just caught me in bed with someone else.

ska_lover

pushing40 wrote: »

I see now that what I thought were subtle tongue in cheek requests were anything but subtle. However, my point all along is that surely while we're both in the house, we both have a responsibility to raise the kids and muck in. I work AND do chores and raise the kids. He works longer hours but some of you are implying that working full-time means he gets to do nothing when not at work?! Really? Are we in the 1930s?

.

In order to give any kind of answer to that,

How many hours do you work, per week - what hours do you work per day? Do you have any daytime hours alone when all kids are at school?


What about your OH, how many hours per day does he work?


I ask this as, so we can get some realistic answers, I mean if you say you work ten hours per week V's his 60 hour week, then I would say yes, you should be doing all of the housework, all of the time..as you have 50 hours less of work than he does .if you see what I mean - it helps to put things into realistic terms as to what you are facing

kelpie35

I think you need to give your OH an ultimatum.

Your children are your priority at the moment, especially as they witnessed the argument.

You need to tell your OH that you both go for counselling ASAP and if he refuses then he has to make other arrangements to live somewhere else for the time being.

You have to try very hard to reassure your children that it was not acceptable behaviour for mummy and daddy to have.

You then need to show the children that things are going to change for the better, either with sitting down with your OH and explaining to the children that mummy and daddy were wrong to argue in that way and it will not happen again, or that mummy and daddy are going to live apart for a while till things can be sorted out.

You are so exhausted and probably your OH is too but it takes two, singing from the same hymn sheet, to work thing out.

Take care

Guest101

kelpie35 wrote: »

I think you need to give your OH an ultimatum.

Your children are your priority at the moment, especially as they witnessed the argument.

You need to tell your OH that you both go for counselling ASAP and if he refuses then he has to make other arrangements to live somewhere else for the time being.
You have to try very hard to reassure your children that it was not acceptable behaviour for mummy and daddy to have.

You then need to show the children that things are going to change for the better, either with sitting down with your OH and explaining to the children that mummy and daddy were wrong to argue in that way and it will not happen again, or that mummy and daddy are going to live apart for a while till things can be sorted out.

You are so exhausted and probably your OH is too but it takes two, singing from the same hymn sheet, to work thing out.

Take care

- Realisitcally the OP is unlikely to get any kind of order to remove him from the property. No point making ultimatums which cant be backed up.

Guest101

ska_lover wrote: »

In order to give any kind of answer to that,

How many hours do you work, per week - what hours do you work per day? Do you have any daytime hours alone when all kids are at school?


What about your OH, how many hours per day does he work?


I ask this as, so we can get some realistic answers, I mean if you say you work ten hours per week V's his 60 hour week, then I would say yes, you should be doing all of the housework, all of the time..as you have 50 hours less of work than he does .if you see what I mean - it helps to put things into realistic terms as to what you are facing

Totally agree with this.


I work full time, OH doesn't at present.


I do muck in, typically I cook tea half the time, occasionally i'll do washing up or hoover.


BUT I don't have a long commute and can leave my work at work for the most part.


However I don't see anything 1930's about splitting housework according to time availability.

pushing40

Thank you, Kelpie. That's really good advice.


Skalover, I work 20 hours a week, hubby 40. I don't have any time away from the kids apart from my drive to and from work (and whilst at work, obviously!). As soon as they're dropped off at school/nursery, I head to work. As soon as I leave work, I collect them from school and nursery.


I'm at home for a couple of hours before OH in the evening during which time I tidy up, help with reading/homework and make dinner. When he comes home, he eats dinner then watches TV. I put the kids to bed (he reads the eldest a story) then I carry on with ironing, washing, tidying. I get up earlier than he does in the morning so I can get the kids, as well as myself, ready. He gets himself ready, then goes to work.


At weekends, when he's dragged himself out of bed, I've already got the kids breakfast, stuck a load of washing in, washed the breakfast dishes, etc, etc.


Like I said before, surely it doesn't matter who does what and when and for how long - but when we're both at home, together, and our children at home, surely it should be a 50/50 thing? I have every Wednesday off work and look after our youngest all day and get as many chores as possible done - I'm not sitting with my feet up watching Loose Women! He regularly disappears off for half the day on a weekend to watch or play sport whilst I have to stay at home with the children he so badly wanted. However, I've realised that I shouldn't ever nag about it nor feel any resentment. If we're to save our marriage I either have to hope that he agrees to help more and/or give me some "down" time, or I have to shut up and put up.


My original post asking where do I go to get advice about a divorce has turned into judge and jury of who's right/who's wrong in our relationship. Laughable, really.

piglet74

I know you have said above that you want you both to raise the children together, under one roof.
But they kids, and you too for that matter, deserve better than to live under such circumstances, fighting, shoving etc. Its not good for anyone, of any age to live like that.

Could your husband be having an affair?

pushing40

It has crossed my mind, piglet.

TBagpuss

pushing40 wrote: »

I suggested counselling - he said it was pointless as nobody else in his life makes him feel like I do (apparently I nag too much). In my defence, with three children, a part-time job to hold down, and all the housekeeping I have to do, it's not surprising I nag when I get little help and he gets to lie in bed every weekend while I run around like a headless chicken. He has a very volatile temper and has isolated lots of people in his life (he no longer speaks to either of his parents or brothers, has fallen out with various friends over the years and moans constantly about colleagues at work).

It sounds as the main issue is him, not you. Read your own posts - you may have accepted and taken on his characterisation of your actions - did you 'nag' or did you simnply ask / expect him to pull his weight? you mention that you apologised even though he was (at least as much) at fault as you. Did he apologise to you?

you say

However, I've realised that I shouldn't ever nag about it nor feel any resentment.

Why not? nagging is a very emotive word. Reframe it. If someone says "you shouldn't nag" it's hard to argue against that. If someone sauid "your shouldn't expresss your feelings, or try to discuss how joint responsibilities are shared" then you'd get a different response.

And feeling resentful that your life-partner is behaving selfishly is hardly unreasonable.


It sounds as though he has no real undestanding of how hard you work, and that she expects to be looked after outside the 9-5, without taking into acount that the job you are doing isn't limited to 9-5. Some people learn better by experience - would it bbe possible for you to arrange to spend a half day at the weekend awy so he had to take responsibility for the childnre, and got more of a feel for what you're doing all the tim?

But in any case, See a solicitor. Look for one who is a member of resolution.

They will talk to you about your options, including what your legal rights are (don't be pushed into moving out of the house, for instnace!) and will be able to ive you some initial, general advice about what options there may in relation to finances etc. if you do separate.

Don't let your husband bully or pressure you into anything you don't understand or are not comfortable with.

You could also contact RELATE. Although they do offer marriage/relationship couselling thye will also see one half of a couple, if the other spouse won't go, and you might find it helpful to have that support and input into how your relationship functions and whether there is anything which you can do tochange things (if the relationship continues) or to manage itif it is ending (bearing in mind youwill have *a* relationship for a ong time, as you have children together.

The fact that he has fallen out with so many other people suggests to me that he is not good at relaships and that he may well be very stubbprn and/or unwilling to take any responsibility or to change. If his pattern is to walk away and cut off contact when things get difficult then that may well indicate how he will act if the relationship is breaking down. Don't assume it is down to you.

Good luck

pphillips

As with regards to your rights:

You have a right to occupy the marital home, if he's unhappy let him leave. Don't let him kick you and the children out, apply for an occupation order if necessary. If he wants a divorce then let him start the proceedings.

As to financial settlement, the law takes 50:50 as a starting point and then adjusts that according to the financial needs of each person. If you are looking after the children then your needs are greater than his. All assets are taken into account including assets accumulated before the marriage and it is normal for full financial disclosure to be made before agreeing on settlement.

Financial settlements are of course limited to what there is in the pot, less costs and that means that a refusal to come to an agreement could mean the couple end up with nothing at all or even in debt. This is why its always best to try and reach agreement rather than having an acrimonious divorce with two bulldog solicitors and lots of court hearing. If you have difficulty communicating then try a family mediation provider to help sort out the finances and/or the arrangements over the children.