I think we've reached the end of the road. What now?

jackboy1

pushing40 wrote: »

I don't know what the future holds... but I will take photocopies of paperwork should I need them. But where can I keep the photocopies that will be safe, should I need to lay hands on them quickly without him knowing I've taken copies?

can you scan them and set-up a One Drive account so they are saved electronically as PDFs?

FBaby

Seems now, after typing all this, that we're both resentful of each other for the things that a large number of married couples are resentful for (I.e. Husband's life not really changing post children, wife's life changing massively) - trouble is, I believe that this is normal for a lot of couples, whereas he believes that we're the only ones and that every other married couple are making love every evening, after putting their darling children to bed, after a fun filled, stress free day together.

I think you summed it perfectly there. The problem is when you are both running on 2% energy it is easy to assume that the other one is running on a bit so low level and it becomes a war of convincing the other that the is lower and the other needs to do more.

I was very much like you did everything with the kids although I worked FT (but 2 kids) and did everything at home. I too resented OH for seeming to have so much more time for himself and to do things he enjoyed, therefore clearly more energy! I was certain that bring a single mum would make little difference but although it didn't make a huge one I still noticed it because I then realised that even the little thing he did helped.

A few years later I took on a more demanding job and more importantly had to commute like he used to and is only then I realised how exausting and stressful it was.

Simarly my ex ended up in a new relationship and ended up the main carer of their child together. He admitted that he had never realised all that comes with that role and how exhausting and stressful it is. Hope you can save your marriage still.

Andypandyboy

I defy anyone to say their family life with three plus kids is always rosy. It is knackering and you feel as if you don't belong to yourself anymore but belong to everyone else.

He is watching too many rose tinted ads or buying into the rosy glow that many people on FB put on their pages. Nobody posts when they have been asked into school to explain why little darling kicked Johnny from next door, nobody posts when they have to placate a neighbour who complains that the football has gone over yet again, nobody posts that they have been refereeing world war three all day whilst dealing with a broken washing machine and a sick relative.

All the posts are about nice things, and of course they happen, but far more frquent is the reality of daily life as a working parent with kids. Bloody hard work and often drudgery.

You have to accept that and enjoy the small triumphs, build in treats (even if they don't always go to plan). It actually gets harder with kids not easier, they move onto problems that are less easy to fix and you have the constant worry that as independent beings you can't know where they are or what they are doing at all times as you can with babies and young children.

Yes, it may be nice to sit down and have no one to answer to and nothing you have to do and we all have days where that looks very appealing.If that was every day it would soon pale and it would mean that no one cared and you cared for no one which is a sobering thought.

hazyjo

My sister has your life.


25 years they've been together, and it's been constantly like that. Their 3 kids are now 17 (twins) and 21. They all hate him.


Really, life is too bloody short. My BIL has been in tears, apologetic, the lot. He drinks too much and it always comes back down to the same things. My sis does most things indoors. She'll never leave him - but then he was always like that. If your OH has changed, then it's job pressure/stress making him like that, and yes he is likely to take it out on you. Do you do anything as a couple?


Somebody has to be first to get divorced in the family. I know you feel like the only one in the world, and it's like admitting failure and wondering what people are saying behind your back, but thousands do it every day. I was the first in my entire family.


You could try allocating him a job or two instead of asking when you want something doing. He feels entitled to his weekends off when he works full time - my BIL is the same. He's always in the pub or on a golf course - but the kids still need running round here there and everywhere, and things always need doing indoors. My sis works 4 days a week but I don't see her getting weekends off. He's just not a family man and has always put himself first.


Could he change jobs? My BF has had breakdowns and was under a stupid amount of pressure at work - worse than the work was his home life where he felt constantly pushed by his then-wife, and felt he was poked into a corner with no possible place to go. He felt that all choices had been removed from his life. Looking back, he should have quit and maybe retrained while he was still in one piece. Is there any chance of you doing that? It's surprising what options there are when you realise you can move to a cheaper area, downsize or live off savings for a year or two. People are very quick to say no, not an option, but there usually are choices.


My BF doesn't work at all now and does everything indoors. I do get my weekends to myself and relax, and we have a very stress-free happy relationship. He literally does the lot.


Jx

Loz01

OP what would he say if you told him you were going full time so he needed to do half the childcare and cook dinner 3 nights as well also? He sounds stressed, yes, but also incredibly selfish. What about you?? He clearly cannot see what a massive undertaking you have in working part time AND running round with 3 small ones. You need to tell him straight that you need more help and lying in bed all weekend isn't acceptable when he has 3 kids!! If he wanted to lounge about he should have decided to stay child free.

piglet74

I think he's very selfish, and as he has said that he wants to be alone, that's what I would do. Separate initially, then take it from there.

You will manage, you will cope, you will get by. You might actually find its a lot easier with one less person to look after!

Good luck with whatever you decide x

FBaby

He clearly cannot see what a massive undertaking you have in working part time AND running round with 3 small ones.

To be fair, there is a difference between working part-time 30 hours and working 12 hours. There is also a difference between looking after three children when one is 4 and the two others are 18 months old twins, than looking after a 6, 5 and 4 yo all at school.

I expected in the case of OP, it is something in between.

Guest101

I just found it shocking the OP said she could see he was stressed and it was building up, but did nothing.


That speaks volumes to me

LilElvis

Guest101 wrote: »

I just found it shocking the OP said she could see he was stressed and it was building up, but did nothing.


That speaks volumes to me

Why shocking? So she didn't ask him if everything was OK and he didn't say anything until it came out as an explosion. Communication works two ways.

What seems more telling to me is the fact that he has cut off contact with his parents, siblings and friends. Someone who has a history of walking away from relationships, especially close family ones, is unlikely to have any qualms about doing the same again with his wife, and possibly even his children.

thorsoak

pushing40 wrote: »

I think we're both incredibly tired and stressed. However, he has far more down time than I do. He watches and plays rugby. He has lie ins every weekend. I don't even get one single hour to myself a week. Honestly, if I left him alone for one day with the children he'd be shocked at how much I actually do.

I would suggest that you do arrange a day out for yourself very soon - don't ask him, tell him that on such and such a Saturday/Sunday that you will be out and that he has to look after the children do the shopping etc. No discussions, no preparation you - just "give" him a day with the children. Things won't be done to your standards - but what does it matter? It's only too easy for mums tobacco.e the family martyr/doormat and this can be the start of shifting the balance. Good luck! X