I think we've reached the end of the road. What now?

Andypandyboy

Stress at work is awful, but it really shouldn't be allowed to erode a marriage where there are three kids.

Have the kids looked after for an evening and maybe go for a walk, it is often easier to talk that way rather than facing each other. Be blunt with him, ask is it work or is it your relationship, ask does he want a divorce. He may have said things he regrets and may not have thought through what his words mean in actions. What the end result will be - part time father, living in a flat on his own and still coping with the job.

If it is the job, look for solutions, get him to take time off and see his GP.

Loz01

If he really does lie in bed all weekend while you rush around with 3 kids under 7 do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who is as selfish as that? I wouldn't. He can't blame all his stress on you, he has to take some responsibility to sort himself out. If you think its past the point of no return, see a solicitor. If you think it could be salvaged, go to Relate. But only let it carry on if he reciprocates and apologies to YOU! You shouldn't have to keep going to him with apologies when he instigates it.

ps. Also "shoving" you is completely not acceptable, don't let it become the norm!!

theoretica

I wonder if he might benefit from a trip to the GP? Depression sounds like a possibility, as well as stress.

pushing40

Thanks for all your replies. I definitely thi k depression could be an issue. I've also wondered for the last few years if he could be bipolar as he seems to have two very different personalities.

Unfortunately, after an argument, he seems incapable of apologising or even talking through it. We have always seemed to go from normal, to full blown argument, to silent treatment, to speaking the odd word, to sweeping it all under the carpet and acting like nothing ever happened. No discussion of feelings, thoughts at the tine, the way forward. Nothing.

I may try and suggest he goes to a GP but he wont - in fact, he will be very dismissive of the very suggestion - despite his own father having suffered from it. (My father too, for that matter, at exactly the same age as hubby is now).

I don't know what the future holds... but I will take photocopies of paperwork should I need them. But where can I keep the photocopies that will be safe, should I need to lay hands on them quickly without him knowing I've taken copies?

pushing40

Andypandyboy wrote: »

Stress at work is awful, but it really shouldn't be allowed to erode a marriage where there are three kids.

Have the kids looked after for an evening and maybe go for a walk, it is often easier to talk that way rather than facing each other. Be blunt with him, ask is it work or is it your relationship, ask does he want a divorce. He may have said things he regrets and may not have thought through what his words mean in actions. What the end result will be - part time father, living in a flat on his own and still coping with the job.

If it is the job, look for solutions, get him to take time off and see his GP.

He actually told me yesterday that he wanted to be alone - where he could do what he wanted, when he wanted without being made to feel guilty when he sits around doing nothing. Admittedly, I do have the odd moan when he sits down watching rugby or motor racing all afternoon, whilst I'm busy dealing with tantrums, mealtimes and dirty nappies. I don't get that luxury of sitting down and doing nothing and, yes, I'm resentful of it.

pinkshoes

Your husband sounds stressed, maybe even depressed.

A typical scenario where a woman's life is unrecognisable since having kids, but for many men, their routine often stays the same, only they have to give up lots of their money which they can resent! They often struggle to see looking after kids as a job, so expect you to do everything else, as clearly on days off you do nothing!

My hubby has the same routine 3 kids later, other than spending 20 minutes doing the kids bath at 6.30pm. I went mental at him on friday and told him I had had enough, and he needed to help more or move out!

I would arrange a date night for you and hubby, and get someone to babysit. Perhaps dinner out. Ignore him if he gets stroppy and just go ahead, get dressed up etc...

If he cannot be bothered or refuses to go on the night, then tell him to move out.

LannieDuck

pushing40 wrote: »

He actually told me yesterday that he wanted to be alone - where he could do what he wanted, when he wanted without being made to feel guilty when he sits around doing nothing. Admittedly, I do have the odd moan when he sits down watching rugby or motor racing all afternoon, whilst I'm busy dealing with tantrums, mealtimes and dirty nappies. I don't get that luxury of sitting down and doing nothing and, yes, I'm resentful of it.

I would love to do this too (I have two small children), and I'm sure you would too.

Perhaps it's reasonable for you to be doing all the housework and childcare during the week if you 'only' work PT and he works FT, but at weekends the chores should be split. It's not reasonable for him to sit and do nothing while you're juggling housework and children.

It sounds to me as if he doesn't recognise that you're both exhausted. Children do that - they add a massive amount of (often boring, repetitive) chores on top of whatever life you had before, and it's very unfair for only one side of the partnership to absorb them all. I often say that looking after my kids for a day is much, much harder work than a day in the office.

I'm not suggesting he isn't tired, but it sounds as if he's dismissing the possibility that you feel the same way, and that's very unfair. I agree with a PP - perhaps leaving him with the kids for a day one weekend would help him to see things from your POV a bit more. And then he may be more open to counselling.

Would your finances stretch to a babysitter once a week so you could both go out together?

pushing40

He truly believes that all the other married couples with children he knows spend their weekends skipping through daisy-filled fields, singing songs from The Sound Of Music. He really thinks that OURS is the only stressed household, with daily battles of will, meltdowns, rushing from swimming lesson to dentist appointment. He believes that nobody else's wife nags their husband and if she does, she deserves to be given the metaphorical boot. He thinks the grass is greener - but it was him that wanted a large family.

He moans that other families have a "life" (I assume he means holidays and days out) but we don't go on holiday because we cant afford one because he saves so much every month for when he's retired (not a bad idea, but you can't always have both - sometimes you have to choose to live for today or save for tomorrow, and he chooses the latter).

My (small) wage goes on food and childcare. He often seems very resentful of the fact that I only work part time (he has female colleagues with children "who manage to work full-time") but I honestly don't know how I'd manage to work full-time and care for and raise three young children. Getting all the chores done and helping them with homework is a full-time job in itself!! He complained yesterday that all he does is work to pay bills. Ditto! He has far more disposable income than I do, but as I said, he chooses to save most of it.

Seems now, after typing all this, that we're both resentful of each other for the things that a large number of married couples are resentful for (I.e. Husband's life not really changing post children, wife's life changing massively) - trouble is, I believe that this is normal for a lot of couples, whereas he believes that we're the only ones and that every other married couple are making love every evening, after putting their darling children to bed, after a fun filled, stress free day together.

LannieDuck

pushing40 wrote: »

He truly believes that all the other married couples with children he knows spend their weekends skipping through daisy-filled fields, singing songs from The Sound Of Music. He really thinks that OURS is the only stressed household, with daily battles of will, meltdowns, rushing from swimming lesson to dentist appointment. He believes that nobody else's wife nags their husband and if she does, she deserves to be given the metaphorical boot. He thinks the grass is greener - but it was him that wanted a large family.

He moans that other families have a "life" (I assume he means holidays and days out) but we don't go on holiday because we cant afford one because he saves so much every month for when he's retired (not a bad idea, but you can't always have both - sometimes you have to choose to live for today or save for tomorrow, and he chooses the latter).

My (small) wage goes on food and childcare. He often seems very resentful of the fact that I only work part time (he has female colleagues with children "who manage to work full-time") but I honestly don't know how I'd manage to work full-time and care for and raise three young children. Getting all the chores done and helping them with homework is a full-time job in itself!! He complained yesterday that all he does is work to pay bills. Ditto! He has far more disposable income than I do, but as I said, he chooses to save most of it.

Seems now, after typing all this, that we're both resentful of each other for the things that a large number of married couples are resentful for (I.e. Husband's life not really changing post children, wife's life changing massively) - trouble is, I believe that this is normal for a lot of couples, whereas he believes that we're the only ones and that every other married couple are making love every evening, after putting their darling children to bed, after a fun filled, stress free day together.

Does he realise that if you worked FT, he'd have to do half of the housework and childcare?

Would he be open to reducing his hours and you increasing yours? My OH and I both work 4 days a week. It's an arrangement that works brilliantly for us because we both appreciate how difficult and tiring a day of solo-childcare is.

Incidentally, our family life isn't roses and kittens. My youngest clings to me and always has done. It's very, very wearing. Children (or at least mine) have a tendency to take as much as they can get away with - they'll push and push until they've pushed you absolutely to breaking point. I used to think of myself as a very patient person. Not anymore I snap and shout at them, and I hate myself for doing it.

And I hate the word 'nag'. It tends to mean the wife (always the wife - I've never heard it directed at the husband) repeatedly asking the husband to do something. Perhaps if he'd just done it the first time, she wouldn't have to continually remind him?? Mind you, that does assume that the original request is reasonable

Better yet, is to agree between you on your responsibilities and his responsibilities. It's then up to him to remember and do his chores. You don't have to remember or remind him, and therefore are no longer nagging

elsien

He's saving for his retirement?

You're a family, what about your retirement?? You're married. These are joint assets whether he likes it or not, and would be considered as such if you do split up. Pension, savings, investments, the works.
Knowledge is power - as someone else said, you might want a plan A and a plan B. Hope you can resolve things, if that's what you both want. But know your rights and what may happen if you're not able to do so.

You know you can go to counselling on your own if he refuses? Might help you to clarify things for yourself.