I think we've reached the end of the road. What now?

LannieDuck

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

Would the children be happier though? Presumably 20 hours which is what the OP does and what in fact I did too when my kids were small allowed me to take them and pick them up from school which the OP does at the moment. Having to organise wrap around childcare and deal with rushing kids out in the morning and have them in childcare until 5 or 6pm sounds even more stressful for the OP simply so that her DH is happier?

I would not buy into that at all as I do not think it would address the point that her DH does not help and she would be working longer hours and dealing with kids in full time child care plus they would hardly see either of their parents during the working week unless they go to bed later.

Well, it depends on their arrangements. If 20 hours is 10-4 to allow for school drop-offs and pick-ups, then yes it could be difficult.

But if it's 3 days a week, then she could increase by one day a week and he could decrease by one day a week, and the childcare arrangements wouldn't have to change at all.

And if they both worked the same hours, it would become a lot easier for the OP to argue that he should be doing equal chores.

Top_Girl

If neither work weekends then the lie ins and chores should be split equally at weekends.

'Shoving' is domestic violence. It's as pure and simple as that and I don't care how stressed or depressed he is.

OP, you have a lot of important decisions to make. But you need to put the safety and wellbeing of you and your children before his 'issues'.

ska_lover

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

making it the OP's fault he's assaulted her, scared her, made threats of violence and terrified a child?

I hadn't noticed who had done that?

barbiedoll

So OP should work one extra day each week and her husband can have one day extra off? Which he is, of course, going to spend doing the housework, caring for the kids, cooking, washing and ironing?

He doesn't lift a finger during either of his two days off at weekends, I can't see him suddenly changing his ways, due to working a 4 day week.

Good luck with that one OP.

enthusiasticsaver

LannieDuck wrote: »

Well, it depends on their arrangements. If 20 hours is 10-4 to allow for school drop-offs and pick-ups, then yes it could be difficult.

But if it's 3 days a week, then she could increase by one day a week and he could decrease by one day a week, and the childcare arrangements wouldn't have to change at all.

And if they both worked the same hours, it would become a lot easier for the OP to argue that he should be doing equal chores.[/QUOTE]

But at the weekends when arguably they should be sharing the chores, she does most of it and he sits and watches tv. What is to stop him doing the same in the week so she is doing longer hours and then having to rush around even more in the shorter timespan between getting home and getting kids into bed. I have seen in one of OPs posts that she does something like 9.30 am until 2.45pm so she goes from work to doing school pickup.

Even if he is stressed from working there is no guarantee that he would be any better from reducing hours even assuming that was possible. I just think that there needs to be at least a willingness from the husband to show that if he worked less hours he would help out more. Financially of course they would probably be worse off as he obviously earns more than her (she says this earlier) and the increased cost of childcare may well wipe out any gains from her doing more hours. Given husbands propensity for saving I don't see him dipping into his pocket to pay out for cleaner, dishwasher etc etc.

Happier_Me

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

Even if he is stressed from working there is no guarantee that he would be any better from reducing hours even assuming that was possible.

In my experience and drawing from the experience of others who have suffered from severe stress/burn out, reducing hours won't help because it won't address the root cause. It won't make him feel better or help out more around the house.

I am in the camp of the OP trying to understand what is causing her husband's behaviour before writing off the relationship because of one really bad argument.
I am basing this on how I would react if my husband were to behave this way for a period of time though. This would be extremely out of character for him and I would be desperately worried about his health and well being ...when one of us is ill the other steps up...supports, does what's needed to get the family through it. Isn't that how relationships that stand the test if time work?

OP you are really the only one that knows if this behaviour is normal for your husband and whether the relationship is worth saving or not.

LannieDuck

enthusiasticsaver wrote: »

But at the weekends when arguably they should be sharing the chores, she does most of it and he sits and watches tv. What is to stop him doing the same in the week so she is doing longer hours and then having to rush around even more in the shorter timespan between getting home and getting kids into bed. I have seen in one of OPs posts that she does something like 9.30 am until 2.45pm so she goes from work to doing school pickup.

Even if he is stressed from working there is no guarantee that he would be any better from reducing hours even assuming that was possible. I just think that there needs to be at least a willingness from the husband to show that if he worked less hours he would help out more. Financially of course they would probably be worse off as he obviously earns more than her (she says this earlier) and the increased cost of childcare may well wipe out any gains from her doing more hours. Given husbands propensity for saving I don't see him dipping into his pocket to pay out for cleaner, dishwasher etc etc.

(I'd missed the part in bold, that does make it harder to change arrangements.)

I basically agree with you - he needs to start taking on a fair share of the chores. But I think the OP needs the confidence to have that discussion/argument with him, and at the moment she feels that she ought to be doing more of the work at home because she works fewer hours.

If they both worked the same hours, she might feel justified standing her ground on the issue. Possibly. But I don't know her, so it's really just a suggestion for her to take up / dismiss as appropriate

FBaby

If they were to consider OP going to work on Wed whilst her husband take the day off he would have to do all the childcare, cleaning and the rest. Maybe that would lead to realise that work is easier and therefore have more sympathy for OP or he might find easier and therefore have more energy to do it all properly.

There was that programme a few years ago when mum and dads swapped roles for two weeks so they could see what it was like to be in their partner's shoes. Sometimes dads realised they had had it easy some time it was the other way around. Most of the times they realised both was as tough but looking after kids cane more naturally to the mum and the demands of FT work more naturally to the dad.

beckysbobbles1

OP I haven't read all the other comments as I know how these things go off on one. I will comment on your OP.


Take time yourself to decide how you feel. Ultimately if he has decided it is over, you will need to accept this and decide how things will be for the future.


It doesn't sound like a happy, healthy relationship (I can talk as I know I'm not in one!).


I would suggest going to Citizens advice to see what information they can give you regarding divorce and entitlements.


If things are still 'up in the air' it might be best to allow some time for things to settle then start discussing what you can do for the future.


Financially I assume he would still need to support you and the child. Depending on your salary, you may be entitled to some benefits.


I think there are calculators you can use so perhaps google that.


Ensure you look after yourself. You need to be healthy in order to look after your children. Be kind to yourself.