I think we've reached the end of the road. What now?

ska_lover

It seems that you do want to save the marriage + that you two need some time alone without the kids, to rediscover what it is, that keeps you together (other than having three kids) to have some heart to heart chats about things and where you two both see things going. Being away from the pressures of day to day could help you to chat to each other


Is there anyway at all, you could get a babysitter for one or two nights ( weekend away)?

pushing40

Guest101 wrote: »

I think it goes back to having down time for you both.


Given 3 kids under 7, I doubt there's much time as a couple to do things, which is often a big strain on a relationship.

Yes! Absolutely! If you see one of my very first replies when asked what I would do with a day "off", my answer was either a day at a spa or a date with my hubby. We have very little time as a couple. Literally once, maybe twice a year. There is nobody we'd trust (or burden!) our three children with.

Guest101

pushing40 wrote: »

Yes! Absolutely! If you see one of my very first replies when asked what I would do with a day "off", my answer was either a day at a spa or a date with my hubby. We have very little time as a couple. Literally once, maybe twice a year. There is nobody we'd trust (or burden!) our three children with.

Perhaps the 7 year old could go for a sleep over, that leaves 2. A family friend could sit in your home for the evening


I know beer and pizza are a good incentive, that way you trust the person, there's no travel and you get evening off.

pushing40

ska_lover wrote: »

It seems that you do want to save the marriage + that you two need some time alone without the kids, to rediscover what it is, that keeps you together (other than having three kids) to have some heart to heart chats about things and where you two both see things going. Being away from the pressures of day to day could help you to chat to each other


Is there anyway at all, you could get a babysitter for one or two nights ( weekend away)?

You volunteering? I heard you volunteer, definitely Seriously though, no, not really. We would trust only my parents but they're getting on a bit and looking after three of them for more than an hour is (I think I've already mentioned) pretty exhausting and stressful.

SuzieSue

I really don't think having a meal out is going to help.

You need to fix what is going on day in day out in your marriage, not try to paper over the cracks which some time together.

ska_lover

SuzieSue wrote: »

I really don't think having a meal out is going to help.

You need to fix what is going on day in day out in your marriage, not try to paper over the cracks which some time together.

I don't think it is the meal that people are suggesting is going to help, it is the opportunity to discuss things without interruptions. Find a way forward


Life is so hectic that even without kids, people can go for days or weeks without having a real conversation - especially when you only have an hour or two per evening at home together, and there are dinners to be cooked, and children to be bathed

Primrose

On a practical front are there any domestic jobs you could do less often to reduce you own pressure.

Do you HAVE to iron all the clothes? Try letting some go un ironed and see if it really matters.
Does the bed linen HAVE to be changed so frequently? Would anybody notice if it was left for an extra week or so?
Can you batch cook so that some days you don't have to cook from scratch?

Can the children be trained to pack away their toys at bedtime so you don't have to do it?

You and your husband sound as if you're both tired and stressed out. I don't know what kind of work he does. Is it physical/manual which may be adding to his tiredness. It sounds as if it may be down to you to pull the TV plug out one evening, have a relaxed meal, get the kids to bed early and aid down and have a long talk about why it's no longer working for you both.

He could possibly be having an affair or some kind of lesser emotional relationship with somebody who is making him feel that life elsewhere could still be a bowl of cherries. If you suspect that might be the case, I think you should pluck up the courage and ask him for a truthful reply as he is obviously very unhappy with his life at the moment. I think you need to discover whether it is really you he is unhappy with or whether he is taking out his resentment on you because you and the family are the people who are stopping him having what he perhaps feels would be a more pleasant and carefree life with somebody else.

Trying to conduct such a conversation without becoming angry or sarcastic won't be easy. Maybe you need to rehearse it in your mind beforehand and think up the best way of approaching it which is least liable to trigger another blazing row. Letting the situation fester for much longer won't be helpful though because resentment on both sides will only grow deeper if you don't try and address what is now an obviously serious issue

SuzieSue

ska_lover wrote: »

I don't think it is the meal that people are suggesting is going to help, it is the opportunity to discuss things without interruptions. Find a way forward


Life is so hectic that even without kids, people can go for days or weeks without having a real conversation - especially when you only have an hour or two per evening at home together, and there are dinners to be cooked, and children to be bathed

The OP has already said that they don't talk about things like this so trying to discuss what is wrong is probably going to end in another argument.

He has already told her what the main problem is which is her "nagging".

The OP needs to decide if she can do anything about this in order to save her marriage. She needs to do something like get a cleaner, do less ironing, do only essential housework etc, so that she does not feel resentful when he is sitting around doing nothing.

Of course, the ideal would be that he changes and decides that he likes helping around the house instead of watching rugby, but I can't see that happening.

SuzieSue

Also, the OP asked about where she could keep copies of his investments - I would keep scanned copies on a couple of USB sticks rather than paper copies.

LannieDuck

pushing40 wrote: »

I see now that what I thought were subtle tongue in cheek requests were anything but subtle. However, my point all along is that surely while we're both in the house, we both have a responsibility to raise the kids and muck in. I work AND do chores and raise the kids. He works longer hours but some of you are implying that working full-time means he gets to do nothing when not at work?! Really? Are we in the 1930s?

OH and I take the approach that we both work the same hours (where 'work' includes commuting, housework and childcare as well as paid work).

So if you've been busy with your part-time job + childcare + housework from the time your OH leaves the house in the morning to the time he comes home (possibly allowing him a 30 min respite period if it's a stressful commute!), then you've both effectively worked the same hours. Any chores (housework/childcare) from that point on in the evening are shared.

And if you've 'worked' the same hours during the week, all chores at weekends should be shared.