38 yrs old pregnant again, feeling down and skint..

BabyElephant

Isn't it strange how you read things that you posted ages ago and it gets you thinking about things again?

Anyway he has agreed to counselling so that must be a start for you? I really do hope that you can work things out but please bear one thing in mind, you can't change people, they have to want to change themselves. Hopefully the counselling will make him recognise that he does have to change. It's not fair for you to feel like you have to walk round on eggshells all the time, can't say anything to him and generally have no say in things (sorry if this isn't how it is but this is how it sounded to me).

I really hope it works out for you because you deserve it

lovinit

hi joolee
just wanted to give a different side to this.
my parents divorced when i was about 7 and my mum went on to have a relationship with a new man who for a couple of months was lovely. but once he moved in things changed and his true colours began to appear.
he turned out to be very selfish, attention seeking, bossy and childish:rolleyes:

he dispised anytime our mother spent with us (three of us) or doing any thing else without him. he would even have a heated argument if she had a bath when he was home cause she should have one when hes at work

i used to do anything to try and keep him happy so as not to get my mum in trouble.

like you have mentioned it was little things that he did and the little rules that if they were broken he would go mad. we used to use the saying he could make a mountain out of a mole hill:rotfl:

i wanted to tell you this to give you an inside of a childs point of view. i truelly hated the man but never dared say or let on because of the attmosphere and arguments it would cause and always felt my mum would choose him.

they went on to have a child together and things got worse until he had an affair and my mum finally decided she had had enough after 12 years together.

i then told my mum and have recently told him how i felt as a child.
he made me feel i didnt have a mum, i hated been at home and would do anything just to be out of the house. i got a job at a young age and would work as many hours as i could including christmas day. i couldnt wait for the day that i could move out but felt sorry for my little sis who i knew he was worse with.
to everyone else he made out he was lovely. sometimes the act would slip infront of people and people would then refuse to come to the house if he was in. i couldnt even have male friends knock on the door they had to wait at the end of the street. asfor boyfriends i never dared take one home till i was 19 and ready to have a serious relationship.

the reliefe when they parted was the best feeling ever :T i could relax that my sis could have a better home life than me.

dont get me wrong my upbringing was 100 times better than a lot of peoples, i like you work for social services and see the wide range of auful things that go on.
when i told him he said it could have been worse at least i didnt abuse you i tried to explain i felt mentally abused but this didnt seem to register.

i have woffled terribly but hope it makes some sence to you as your children get older things could go any of two ways they may stand up to him which could put more pressure on you or they may stay silently suffering as i did.
the good thing to come out of it was that i knew the sort of man i would never be married to and what i was and wasnt prepaed to put up with in a relationship (which isnt much). i now have a wonderful husband who is a fab dad to our sons.:D :j


i wish you all the best for your future whatever you decide to do. what ever you choose will be right for you:D

joolee_2

Hi Lovinit

so sorry its taken so long to read your reply but to update anyone who is interested..........
we went to counselling - a few weeks in i found out he was texting women from the internet exchangeing "pictures" etc and a woman he works with. Long story but for some stupid reason i carried on with counselling thinking that as he was now cornered and mortified he would listen for once - it was all lip service im afraid.
I no my girls dont like him and dont communicate with him - at the min he doesnt either but the frustration of this makes him give them looks which is soo intimidating.
a few weeks ago there was an almighty row - my daughters went to stay with a friend of mine and after a few days were refusing to come home - their dad went to pick them up eventually. During the week they were gone it was hell for me not knowing what to do but something happened between us and i saw a better side to him and realised i didnt want to lose him. but hey ho we are back where we started - which is why im sat here again reading my old thread and having no clue whatsoever what i should do.
I have tried to explain to him that when he is kind i cant help but love him but then he must get jealous of them or frustrated he cant nag them and turns into a monster in the process. in turn i start seeing him as a very ugly person.
what a huge mess..................i wonder if it will take me 12 yrs to see the light also

Mips

joolee wrote: »

JS - yes he wants this baby very much even though we werent trying for it but is a perfectionist as im trying to get accross. he is a good kind person but there are these little things that hurt me so much i cant move on from them. to me it feels like he is a bully with then especcially my 10 yr old. she is so forgiving of him and she really needs him/a male figure in her life. if she was rude to him i really dont think i would want to or be able to tell her off for it. he is a very healthy and food aware person which is great but sometimes a little extreme. he doesnt think chldren and definatley not his own should have sweets. well mine are 10 and 12 neither of them have fillings and only usually have one small bar of choc in their lunch box a day. is it me?????
and yes i have survived sooooo much worse in my life than if this fails but the thought of another child and alone or even in a relationship where i cant get it all off my chest is sending me nuts

I am sorry and someone correct me if I am wrong, but I think that is cruel.

A parent - be it a step-parent or otherwise - wants to ensure that the children have a happy nice balanced life.

Denying the poor kid a bit of Mayo - which should have been made for them too - and telling her off when she leaves the table is just cruel and not necessary these days.

My kids are not wild, they are happy loving children and they ALL have the same as we have.

Have you ever thought about how cruel he is to your children? What do you put up with it for?

I despise Mothers who let their children get treated like 5hit for the sake of a new man.

jacksons_mum

joolee wrote: »

Hi Lovinit

s
a few weeks ago there was an almighty row - my daughters went to stay with a friend of mine and after a few days were refusing to come home - their dad went to pick them up eventually. During the week they were gone it was hell for me not knowing what to do but something happened between us and i saw a better side to him and realised i didnt want to lose him.

he drove your kids out of their home and you saw a better side to him

grey_lady

I to can't believe that your daughters are so unhappy that they refused to come home and yet you would still rather let this guy (who's been cheating on you anyway) stay, why are you doing this to youself?

Tashja

Dippychick wrote: »

I despise Mothers who let their children get treated like 5hit for the sake of a new man.

I agree 100%

Her girls are going to grow up knowing what their "mother" has put them through and they will hate her for it.

Unfortunately by the time the "mother" realises this it will be too late to do anything about it.

Whats more - from Joolees post - it looks like he has been cheating on her and STILL she sees him in a good light

I am sorry but there is no helping some people :rolleyes:

T xx

joolee_2

well i can see your point but ask yourselves why im yet again revisiting this and what i wrote 3 yrs ago?
its because im down again and am asking for help and advice but to be critisised like this makes me wonder why i bothered
its a really hurtful way to "advise" someone but thats not what you are doing is it. I would never chose a man over my children ever - what i meant was i saw the side to him that i fell for in the first place - he was the voice of calm and reason at the time - what i probably didnt get across was that the monster has returned .
i dont even know why im bothering to explain but all i want to get across is that im very very down at the minute and i dont think the way you have spoken to me was helpful - thats how im feeling today
not sure i will be posting on the site again but thanks to the others who have helped and empowered me

shellsuit

Poor kids

You don't need him in your life and from what I've read, your daughters don't want him in your lives.

I can't help but feel for them ~ why didn't they want to come home? Doesn't that ring alarm bells for you?

If my children went away and didn't want to come home because of OH, I wouldn't hesitate in ending the relationship, but then again, if it come to the point of them wanting to stay elsewhere, I wouldn't have even let them go to start with, I'd have let him go.

Can I ask what happened when the kids were away, when you saw him in a different light?

joolee_2

I didnt let them go they arranged it without me agreeing
We talked and for once he listened - i thought we had both agreed on what massive changes needed to be made.
it doesnt matter now im not looking for support here i feel as though i have to defend myself