38 yrs old pregnant again, feeling down and skint..

shelly

My advice would echo everything else that has been said.I'm not a mother yet unfortunately but I know how I feel about my god-children and other youngsters in the family.I would never accept someone bullying them,which is what your partner is doing.Your girls will be there forever for you but he can leave whenever he likes.You are a strong independant woman and have been through so much already that you know you can cope with whatever life throws at you.In the future hopefully hubby and I will will have children and I know already that I will be fiercely overprotective and god help anyone who be-littles them or bullies them.It isn't acceptable as far as I'm concerned.There has to be some discipline from him if needed but I would think very carefully about the amount he is giving out already.Think of the future.If you and your girls are upset by him now imagine in a few years time because I doubt things will get better.If he spins you the line about not having any thing to do with them I think I would have to ask him to leave because he just wants to make you feel bad and cave in every time.

I hope everything works out for you,your girls and your new baby.(with or without him)

jellyhead

joolee wrote:

im not alone i have 2 wonderful girls who are so excited.
i did everything i could to find a man when my husband left me and when i met him i felt like id been blessed but then the cracks started to show. i no that no-one is perfect - i have loads of faults but ive never had so many of my faults hightlighted in the way he does.

and i suppose i feel i owe my girls so much. they have lost their daddy - especcially the youngest... he was never a real dad but was her mate and she mises that. he is only 5 mins walk away but never sees them - his partner doesnt like kids!!! as for my eldest she was my absolute rock when he left me and i feel i owe her my life - she was mum for about 3 months - she fed herself and her sister and inbetween she held my hand and passed me tissues. im choked now just writing this.

thankyou for all your advice

*HUG* when i read your first message i wondered if perhaps the relationship was okay before your hormones went haywire (i became a bit of a witch during the first couple of months of my pregnancy lol!) but it does sound as if there are some problems that need to be discussed.

your girls sound lovely and should be praised, not criticised. you're right to feel proud of them. if the youngest is greedy, who cares?! same goes for your own 'faults' - i have many faults but my husband doesn't criticise me. i know what you mean about searching for a man - i was gutted after my ex left and i talked to some men online, i'm rubbish at breakups and don't like to be alone, i know it sounds pathetic but when you're that hurt and the responsibility of being a single parent scares you you just want to be with somebody. luckily a friend i'd known for a long time looked after me during the antidepressant time and we got together. we've been together nearly 5 years but i still think it's the perfect relationship and we're happy. i would be a bit wary of a relationship where there's shouting after less than 2 years :-( if it's going to work out you really need to talk about things and make him understand that he's making a bad job of being a stepfather.

you say you owe your girls because their father is rubbish - that's really not your fault. and a rubbish stepfather is worse than no stepfather at all. as for their father, he's an idiot for not seeing them, and a pretty poor excuse for a human being if he thinks his new partner is more important than the children he fathered! my own father isn't much to write home about either but when he left i never blamed my mum, it was his fault he was rubbish not hers! your girls know that.

got to go to PTA meeting, just wanted to send a hug and good luck!

Pinky9

My heart goes out to you. I had 5 children when I met my husband and to start with everything was fine. He was nice to the kids, taking them out and playing games with them and then we got married! He then decided he wanted to have a baby of our own - we'd already discussed this prior to getting married and agreed that 5 was enough but it became a nightmare. In the end after 2 years I underwent ivf and had the most fabulous little boy. My other children adore him and as far as they are concerned he is their proper little brother. But my husband went from a few months after our wedding to being rude and unkind to the children, being jealous of my love and that of my other children for our child. Tantrums, sulking (husband not children) and 3 further years of hell which resulted in him trying to goad my 2 boys now 18 and 17 into hitting him so he could hit them back. After all of this I physically threw him out!

The point of my reply is - look at your relationship. If there are problems between him and the children now are they going to get any better once the new baby comes? I wish I had dealt with my situation earlier and taken a step back and really looked at what was happening. I was miserable, my kids were miserable and in the end I think my ex was miserable too. Now, without him, yes i'm a single mother of 6 but my life is worth living again. I don't get out much (hence being on here all the time!) but my kids are all happy again (don't really care about the ex cos he's not living here anymore!) and although we are having a nightmare divorce, I wouldn't change how I feel now for the world!

We all live our lives in the best way we can, and no-one wants to hurt anyone if they can help it - but it's you, the girls and the baby who are important here - talk to him and if you can't make him understand - really think about what is best for you and then go for it!

Good luck, and take care hun,

Pinky9

Iona_Penny

Oh dear what a situation you find yourself in; uncertain in your relationship and an unplanned pregnancy. To some extent I think you need to look at both parts separately. The pregnancy is a life changing event all round and whoever thinks having a baby and nurturing a child is easy .. well you already know. Hoping a baby will save a relationship is at best wishful thinking as you probably know from your job, so if you want this baby with or without him then fantastic.

As for his relationship with your girls , well my take on being a mother is this: your priorities in order are 1. your children 2.your children and 3. .. well you know. They have a father they don't see and is not there for them, all they have to fight their corner is you. I am sure he would not treat another adult in this way and in fact your girls are just small people and should be treated with respect and courtesy and LOVE and KINDNESS. Its the old wisdom 'he if a child grows with critiscism it learns to condemn' etc..

Is he worth it?

girleight@

Heya
I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I'm not a mum but I was just thinking about kids and food because I know that if kids get labeled as greedy at a young age it could lead to problems with food later on. I mean I know that my sister just put on more weight the more my dad had a go at her for eating too much and now he's left her alone she's sorted it in her own way. I think you're right to allow them some sweets or they're likely to go mental once they get the chance to buy their own food. I know in my house chocolates were rare but when we had them we scoffed the lot which makes it hard to eat in moderation. Anyway might be an argument to try on your partner if not really that helpful!

Dill

trafalgar_2

How are you doing today Joolee;)

MeMe

Hi

I hope things are feeling better for you - I'm going through the super-charged hormonal early pregnancy thing at the moment too, and sometimes things seem so out of control. You will be strong enough for whatever happens, I hope that today is a happier day

katiepops_2

On the other hand ...

I can so identify with you here, Joolee. I met my partner almost six years ago now, and at the start things were wonderful, but as time has gone on I've got sick to death of the amount of times I've had to have words about him going off full flow at my son.

How do you learn to be a parent? Experience! We're lucky, because we gave birth to our kids and we've learnt through trial and error how to be a parent - your other half, on the other hand, hasn't. It's one thing becoming a parent to a tiny baby - who after all needs only their basic needs taking care of plus lots of loving - but imagine how difficult it must be to become Dad to two young ladies who no doubt have strong personalities and opinions of their own! Being a parent is difficult enough when you start at the beginning, let alone when you acquire a ready made, half grown-up family. It could well be that he has problems actually remembering that your girls are just little girls - I know that my other half has always seen my son as less of a child and more of an adult and has found it hard simply because he hasn't any experience of being a parent before he came into our ready made family unit.

Don't get me wrong, I know that my partner and my son love each other to bits, but there is still conflict at times because my partner still doesn't quite get it right in terms of what he should expect from my son. There have been many many rows over the years about this - and I've also heard the 'well I won't have anything to do with him, then' line - but this is borne out of frustration that he really doesn't know quite how he should treat him.

I have to say, since we had our own child together (who is just 3), he's got so much better, because he's had the chance to learn how to be a parent from scratch, and is getting into his stride now. He is a brilliant dad to both kids, despite thinking that he isn't very good. There are still going to be conflicts between him and my son, but much less than there used to be. They've had to learn to love and respect each other, and that does take time.

Really, I think the crux is - how does your partner feel about your girls? Does he love them as if they were his own? That's the important thing ... I still marvel at it every time I hear my old man talk about his two kids to people, and when he tells my boy (who is now 11) that he loves him. It doesn't stop them fighting though ...

What I would do is sit your partner down and explain that you know it must be really difficult for him, having to learn to be a good parent slap bang in the middle of your girl's childhoods rather than from the start ... focus on the positives about his fatherly skills and make him see how much you appreciate those qualities and how he does a great job in those respects. Then point out that 'when you do ......, it makes me sad because ...' etc and see if he can understand your point of view. You never know, his whole attitude might be his way of coping with the thought that he's not actually a good Dad - it was in my situation.

The best of luck to you all though - I hope you manage to work through this and that next year will see you all much happier and settled with your new addition to the family.

Kate

PS: My son has been 'mum' too - he's brilliant, and I really don't know what I would have done or how I would still be alive if it weren't for him.

joolee_2

why is it easier to be understood by strangers!!!
thaks all for taking the time to respond.......we didnt speak at all last night - its just as well the house is big enough for us to be in seperate rooms. anyway talking and the feedback has given me what i need to talk properly about how i feel once and for all an if he still wont accept what i say then he is going to have to think again.
shelly..i have welcomed and still do some form of discipline as in some ways children ask for it and want it but his is too much for me. if i feel like he is wanting me to cave in again i will have to ask him to leave.
jellyhead...i have flet like this on and off for a while - not just since the pregnancy. i too am absolutley hopeless alone but i think i could find strength to cope this time if that was how it had to be. i have said we need to talk tonight so will tell him he needs to change as a stepdad
pinky...i can see what happend with you will happen with me but this has helped me so much just talking if it gets to breaking point then so be it
ionapenny/...........yes they only have me but i do know if i called their dad to help with a problem he would do anything for them its just he doesnt do the regular dad thing. and no he wouldnt treat an adult the way he does my girl nor would he do it in front of anyone else.
girl8......... yes the food thing has worried me for ages now she is so eager to please she will do anything to try to be loved and told how good she is to the point where its not normal. i know its not done for attention but she feels she is inferior somehow. i do worry it will end up in an eating disorder and there will be one person to blame if so
thanks all for your replies and giving me the strength to stick by what i believe

joolee_2

kate i wish i could put him infront of all this text and then he would either understand or run a mile........he is a good good man and like everyone has faults just not sure if i can live with them. why should i compromise just becasue im a single mum who doesnt want to be alone.....
and i too would certainly not still be on this earth if it wasnt for my girls.x