38 yrs old pregnant again, feeling down and skint..

joolee_2

hi all
mine is a long story so i will try to keep it short - but oh god im scared. i split with my husband 2 yrs ago - he left me after i found out he was having an affair. i was devastated then and am still in some ways still have a good cry - maybe its my change in hormones lately. anyway i met my new partner online and he gave up his place job etc and moved over last july (he is european). everything was great and still is mostly but now im pregnant - we were skint before but just managing with the help from this website. i have 2 girls also 12 and 10 yrs who are wonderful kids and are excited aboutt he baby but i keep having doubts. things are not going well with my partner so i worry about ending up on my own with a baby at 38! or even staying in a relationship just for the sake of the baby. am i crazy to be going through with this. i nearly went to peices when my marriage broke up...can i cope with yet another failed relationship? i know there are lots more people who have really big problems so i probably shouldnt be wasting peoples time on here but i feel so miserable. for the last week or so we seem to have constantly fallen out. im treading on eggshells and feel i cant say how i feel when im annoyed cos he has this way of making me wish id said nothing. but he seems to have a go at me all the time. either he thinks im grumpy or i side against him with my girls or something else - all very trivial stuff really but not at the time. i never say anything when he has a go at my kids cos i dont want to undermine him in front of them and he knows how i feel so its pointless. and it goes on and on and i get ever more frustrated and worried i cant take this forever. on the other hand he has qualities i always wanted in a partner. advice please today is a very low day........

Norma_Desmond

Forgive me, but if you had such bad money troubles before, then why get pregnant now?

leftieM

Joolee, if you're early into the pregnancy you'll feel a lot of new emotions and I suppose it's difficult for partners to remain patient all the time - but your's will if he loves you!
Give yourself a break. You'll get through this and hopefully you'll manage financially but it'll take a bit of planning. I'm assuming you're in the early stages of pregnancy so you'll have a few months to make changes.
I hope your partner gives you the support that you need. I get the impression that the pregnancy is a surprise? If so it's a lot for both of you to deal with, especially if you hadn't thought about becoming parents together.
The best of luck with everything.

joolee_2

thanks for replying - we arent in debt just dont have much spare cash and yes the baby was a complete surprise not planned at all. i know he loves me but he is so very demanding of my attention in so many ways are there are problems with the way he talks to my girls sometimes that makes me wonder if we can ever agree on parenting of one of our own. he wants everything to be perfect when life just isnt. my girls have only ever had me their dad was little use but i was used to bringing them up alone and i know his intentions are good but its just not text book with kids they have personalities of their own. basically im so proud of them but he always seesm to find fault in them which makes me so upset. sometimes i feel he is picking on them over silly things and that hurts me more than it does them. perhaps im just being silly or having a bad day but the red warning lights keep flashing that things arent right at all.

Magentasue

If red warning lights are flashing, maybe you should at least have a plan B in case things don't work out. A new baby is a huge strain on a good relationship, let alone one you're not sure of. Also (and this is going to sound really negative) your kids are at that easy age - post baby/toddler, pre puberty.

Things may turn out brilliantly but I would put yourself and your children first. Make sure that whatever happens, you and the kids will have somewhere to live, an income and no debts.

joolee_2

thanks for that - the house is mine - well mortgaged but i dont rely on my partner for money at all so me and my girls will be fine. yes i completely agree that they are getting to the stage now where they dont need mum all the time but a new baby does and the thought of having one alone just doesnt bear thought. i think thats my problem really am i doning it for him and at the same time wondering if we/i can put up with his ways and he mine. i doubt if we split he would stay around here as i dont think he could afford to live alone but really thats not the problem. just talking to someone helps to think through whats happening here so thankyou for listening

Spendless

Hi

I had my kids in my 30s a lot later than my friends and I used to cringe at what I saw their kids were allowed to do. I never voiced the opinion though 9but if they had been a partners children I might of). Of course when I went on to have children of my own I saw the opposite side of the coin (and fate sent me an extremely boisterous firstborn in return for my negative thoughts of others-lol).

Your OH might be the same, once he has a child of his own.

Js_Other_Half

:grouphug:


You have mentioned whether or not he wants this baby? Do you?

I have no pearls of wisdom, but if the warning bells are ringing now, do you want to continue the relationship?

You WILL cope , whatever decision you make - you are an independent successful woman.

joolee_2

spendless i am hoping that you are right - we all want perfect kids dont we but having them is completely different. but im reduced to tears when he has a go at mine - he doesnt know and netierh do they - i never undermine him when he says the things that bring tears to my eyes but on sunday for eg we were having tea - hes the cook - we were having something different to the girls and he had made hoemade mayo... for our meal only.... when my 10 yr old asked for a spoon to help herself he said she couldnt have any as it was for our meal. i had to leave the table as i was so upset. i couldnt look at her as i know she was too. then she went to the loo and was in trouble again for leaving the table!!! its not an iscolated thing and i dont hink any need for it - they can have the food off my plate as far as im concerned.

joolee_2

JS - yes he wants this baby very much even though we werent trying for it but is a perfectionist as im trying to get accross. he is a good kind person but there are these little things that hurt me so much i cant move on from them. to me it feels like he is a bully with then especcially my 10 yr old. she is so forgiving of him and she really needs him/a male figure in her life. if she was rude to him i really dont think i would want to or be able to tell her off for it. he is a very healthy and food aware person which is great but sometimes a little extreme. he doesnt think chldren and definatley not his own should have sweets. well mine are 10 and 12 neither of them have fillings and only usually have one small bar of choc in their lunch box a day. is it me?????
and yes i have survived sooooo much worse in my life than if this fails but the thought of another child and alone or even in a relationship where i cant get it all off my chest is sending me nuts

Spendless

joolee wrote:

spendless i am hoping that you are right - we all want perfect kids dont we but having them is completely different. but im reduced to tears when he has a go at mine - he doesnt know and netierh do they - i never undermine him when he says the things that bring tears to my eyes but on sunday for eg we were having tea - hes the cook - we were having something different to the girls and he had made hoemade mayo... for our meal only.... when my 10 yr old asked for a spoon to help herself he said she couldnt have any as it was for our meal. i had to leave the table as i was so upset. i couldnt look at her as i know she was too. then she went to the loo and was in trouble again for leaving the table!!! its not an iscolated thing and i dont hink any need for it - they can have the food off my plate as far as im concerned.

Ok- so did you ask him why the girl weren't allowed the home-made mayo (in private afterwards?).

I know when we used to get the munchies after drinking at friends houses (when we were childless), it used to crack me up that you couldn't eat something because it was the childs. Course now I wouldn't dream of eating my kids stuff

Re leaving the table at meal times-all families have their own rules eg it's ok if you give a reason. Perhaps you need to talk through your house rules together.

I don't mean to be rude or pry too much but you have mentioned he's from another country. Is his culture different too -I'm not talking religious differences eg the French allowing their kids to drink watered down wine with a meal.

is this creating a problem?