38 yrs old pregnant again, feeling down and skint..

foreverskint

Try not to challenge him infront of the children as this could give them ideas about how easily you can be divided, and choldren do like to take advantage of this, so yes I believe you are right. Wait until the girls are in bed or out, sit down with a nice cuppa or glass of something and tell him that you want to discuss your differences in parenting and come to some compromises that will suit all of you and your future little one.


Have some ground rules before you start, ie how long the other one can talk with no interruptions and promise to really listen to each others viewpoint.

We did this, ourselves because I beleive a small smack when really nevcessary is o.k but my partner thinks its an awful thing to do, so we discussed and compromised.
If you do this now before the newborn comes along it should be farless stressful for you both when he/she becomes a toddler. afterall you know what toddlers can be like, but does he. I had forgotten that you need the patience of a saint sometimes!

trafalgar_2

joolee wrote:

what message do i give if i challenge him in front of them?

not a good one ,which is why it should never have gotten to this but as you say with hindsight.................what you need to do now as I think you really know deep down is to face it head -on especially as you have another on the way,you can't let this carry on ,you have to sit him down without the girls and tell him how you feel and try to work it out.
But work it out ,not give in and if he comes up with the old phrase .........'well I won't have anything to do with them' then you have to tell him you can't be a family like that .

You have to find a way for you both to talk about stuff..................or you may as well give it up now for all your sakes.

trafalgar_2

Spendless wrote:

What message are you giving your daughters by keeping quiet to keep the peace. That regardless of how unhappy are you you don't say anything?

What message does this give them when they're old enough to be in relationships of their own?

You don't have to say anything in front of them you could bring the subject up when they're not about.

I agree,the thing is they will know how unhappy mum is ............kids aren't daft ,and knowing that, is hurting them anyway.

Bargainbabe_2

Op- I might have missed this somewhere along the thread but how pregnant are you?

gravitytolls

Listen pet, it's not he end of the world if you have to cope alone. You've done it before, and survived.

As for the baby - When I fell pregnant with no.6. I had only recently begun a course of anti depressants, my marriage was struggling, and I felt that this would finish me off. I wept so much my friend's kitchen table has rising damp;)

But you know when that little baby was born, I loved him sooo much, and was so grateful for him.

The said friend then went on to have similar problems to yours.
She met someone, had 2 children already, and became pregnant. The chap was aperfectionist, and was always picking up on the childrens 'faults', and also had their things and his things.

After the baby was born, he was overjoyed, and things seemed to improve after a while. But inevitably, the cracks began to appear once sleeplessness started taking its toll.

She's now a happy lady, with a part time job, 3 wonderful children, a super child minder, and she doesn't think she'll ever trust another man.
Of course I hope she will, but for now, the children and she are all happy.

It's hard to make any big decisions whilst you're pregnant - you'll not be sure if it's your hormones or what you really want.

But you must tell him how you want him to be with the children. You must tell him that you think your children are perfectly lovely and well mannered, and that you're pleased they want to try different things, and have the oppurtunity to widen all their horizons( including culinary ones). Then ask him how he'd feel if his child was being spoken to in the same way.

Ultimately, if this is how he is, you are all going to be unhappy, including the children - especially the children.

Maybe you could try relate, if talking to him doesn't work. It may help to have a 3rd party and neutral ground.

As a step daughter who's mother put step father first always, I grew up thinking that men weere first - get fed first, use the bathroom first, make the rules etc.
It's since I've become a mother that I realise this isn't so. My husband and I argue about discipline - all aprents do. But the children are yours, you're their mother, don't let them or anybody else think that they can be spoken to as if they're inferior because they're kids.

Do you have any family close by?A support network at difficult times is invaluable. If you are isolated, look out for some groups - parents to be, mother and baby (when little one comes), and online groups too.
There really is lots of support out there.

Good luck, enjoy your children and your pregnancy, and don't suffer in silence.

joolee_2

Bargainbabe wrote:

Op- I might have missed this somewhere along the thread but how pregnant are you?

im 10 weeks though we have known from the start so it feels like longer already.

joolee_2

gravitytolls wrote:

Listen pet, it's not he end of the world if you have to cope alone. You've done it before, and survived.

As for the baby - When I fell pregnant with no.6. I had only recently begun a course of anti depressants, my marriage was struggling, and I felt that this would finish me off. I wept so much my friend's kitchen table has rising damp;)

But you know when that little baby was born, I loved him sooo much, and was so grateful for him.

The said friend then went on to have similar problems to yours.
She met someone, had 2 children already, and became pregnant. The chap was aperfectionist, and was always picking up on the childrens 'faults', and also had their things and his things.

After the baby was born, he was overjoyed, and things seemed to improve after a while. But inevitably, the cracks began to appear once sleeplessness started taking its toll.

She's now a happy lady, with a part time job, 3 wonderful children, a super child minder, and she doesn't think she'll ever trust another man.
Of course I hope she will, but for now, the children and she are all happy.

It's hard to make any big decisions whilst you're pregnant - you'll not be sure if it's your hormones or what you really want.

But you must tell him how you want him to be with the children. You must tell him that you think your children are perfectly lovely and well mannered, and that you're pleased they want to try different things, and have the oppurtunity to widen all their horizons( including culinary ones). Then ask him how he'd feel if his child was being spoken to in the same way.

Ultimately, if this is how he is, you are all going to be unhappy, including the children - especially the children.

Maybe you could try relate, if talking to him doesn't work. It may help to have a 3rd party and neutral ground.

As a step daughter who's mother put step father first always, I grew up thinking that men weere first - get fed first, use the bathroom first, make the rules etc.
It's since I've become a mother that I realise this isn't so. My husband and I argue about discipline - all aprents do. But the children are yours, you're their mother, don't let them or anybody else think that they can be spoken to as if they're inferior because they're kids.

Do you have any family close by?A support network at difficult times is invaluable. If you are isolated, look out for some groups - parents to be, mother and baby (when little one comes), and online groups too.
There really is lots of support out there.

Good luck, enjoy your children and your pregnancy, and don't suffer in silence.

yuor replay has brought a lump to my throat - im not alone at all others have gone through similar and it doesnt feel so bad to hear it.
i too was on antidepressants for 18 months after my ex left and i feel now that nothing will ever ever hurt me like that did. and yes even a new baby without a father wont be as hard. its funny until today it was either him and the baby or none but now after a few replys i can see that i can do it alone - im not alone i have 2 wonderful girls who are so excited.
i did everything i could to find a man when my husband left me and when i met him i felt like id been blessed but then the cracks started to show. i no that no-one is perfect - i have loads of faults but ive never had so many of my faults hightlighted in the way he does.
yes i will definatley try to talk to him about it there is nothing to be lost by that and if necessary i will suggest relate or similar.
i suppose my job makes me realise how lucky i am to have such wonderful children - i work for social services so i see everyones problems. and i suppose i feel i owe my girls so much. they have lost their daddy - especcially the youngest... he was never a real dad but was her mate and she mises that. he is only 5 mins walk away but never sees them - his partner doesnt like kids!!! as for my eldest she was my absolute rock when he left me and i feel i owe her my life - she was mum for about 3 months - she fed herself and her sister and inbetween she held my hand and passed me tissues. im choked now just writing this.

thankyou for all your advice

joolee_2

trafalgar wrote:

not a good one ,which is why it should never have gotten to this but as you say with hindsight.................what you need to do now as I think you really know deep down is to face it head -on especially as you have another on the way,you can't let this carry on ,you have to sit him down without the girls and tell him how you feel and try to work it out.
But work it out ,not give in and if he comes up with the old phrase .........'well I won't have anything to do with them' then you have to tell him you can't be a family like that .

You have to find a way for you both to talk about stuff..................or you may as well give it up now for all your sakes.

im really going to try and talk this through and your line "well we cant be a family like that" is brilliant and one i will remember - im sure i will need it...thanks

foreverskint

Your Children sound absolutley wonderful and deserve to have a happy mother and a happy childhood. Your right you will lose nothing by talking.

I really hope it works out for you and your family. Good luck and keep us all posted. We're all here to support you no matter what happens:A

trafalgar_2

joolee wrote:

im really going to try and talk this through and your line "well we cant be a family like that" is brilliant and one i will remember - im sure i will need it...thanks

good luck ,I really do hope you can work out the best way forward for you all;)