38 yrs old pregnant again, feeling down and skint..

trafalgar_2

joolee wrote:

im treading on eggshells and feel i cant say how i feel when im annoyed cos he has this way of making me wish id said nothing. but he seems to have a go at me all the time................all very trivial stuff really but not at the time.

none of that is trivial

i never say anything when he has a go at my kids cos i dont want to undermine him in front of them and he knows how i feel so its pointless.

so what your saying is he disregards how you feel

on the other hand he has qualities i always wanted in a partner. ........

like what ,it seems to me you got into a relationship too soon and tend to go with the flow to keep the peace but are deeply unhappy/uneasy underneath.

You know it could be your just very protective towards your girls which is natural and being over-sensitive when he chastises them......BUT you admit you don't even feel like you can say anything ,and that's bad

and I'm certain your girls see that too,not giving them the right message IMO


"i had to leave the table as i was so upset. i couldnt look at her as i know she was too. "

If your daughter realised it upset you too but you didn't say anything,what does that say to her

foreverskint

Forgive me if i am speaking out of turn, but it sounds to me as f you are having serious doubts over his relationship towards your two girls. I have two daughters who live part time with me and part time with their dad. We are both in relationships and I would trust my partner to the ends of the earth with my girls. On the other hand my ex partner's wife is a bully towards one of my girls and I know that I cannot bear it when I hear of some of the things she says and that maternal instinct in me rises up and I have to say something to her. i cannot stand by and let it carry on no matter what tension it can cause.


Any mother would tell you that regardless of your fears your children must come first, they need to feel loved and cared for not living in fear of upsetting people.
No matter how much I love my partner if I lthought he was causing unnecessary suffering to the kids I would have to leave him.

Would it be a good idea for you both to go to counselling so that you can discuss your differences in a safe environment. And to discuss the impact a new baby will have on your lives. I too have a new baby 23 months now with my new partner were both in our 40's now. It was an enormous change and has been a real challenge both emotionally physically and financially. but I know that now I would not change anything at all. She has brought with her laughter, beauty and above all she has taught us all that we are a family whatever our circumstances and how ever far apart we are from the other children.
Good luck and i hope that you don't think I am judging you.

Magentasue

Just to clarify, when I said your girls were at an easy age, I meant that things get worse! At the moment, he's sniping at them at they're getting upset. In three years time, their reactions will be hormonally charged.

joolee_2

Spendless wrote:

Ok- so did you ask him why the girl weren't allowed the home-made mayo (in private afterwards?).

I know when we used to get the munchies after drinking at friends houses (when we were childless), it used to crack me up that you couldn't eat something because it was the childs. Course now I wouldn't dream of eating my kids stuff

Re leaving the table at meal times-all families have their own rules eg it's ok if you give a reason. Perhaps you need to talk through your house rules together.

I don't mean to be rude or pry too much but you have mentioned he's from another country. Is his culture different too -I'm not talking religious differences eg the French allowing their kids to drink watered down wine with a meal.

is this creating a problem?

i didnt ask him cos i think i know the answer - he thinks she is greedy and if it had been the older one i dot think he would have bothered.
as for eating the childrens food - well i cant comment - when its easter they get the eggs and all they want is the insides - well i love the shells and there have been odd times when they have got up the next morning for find the odd shell missing - of course i tell them it was me and they just think its really funny!
i suppose the table rules are that we didnt really sit together beofre i met him at mealtimes so there were no table rules. my ex we self emp so was never in at mealtimes so i fed the girls as quickly as i could after work.
his nationalityis dutch though i dont really think its that which is the problem but if anyone knows different then id be interested to hear it. he has never had children or even lived with children. his sister has 3 ...2 of which i doubt he has met but the oldest is unique and i think he models "the perfect child" on him.

joolee_2

foreverskint wrote:

Forgive me if i am speaking out of turn, but it sounds to me as f you are having serious doubts over his relationship towards your two girls. I have two daughters who live part time with me and part time with their dad. We are both in relationships and I would trust my partner to the ends of the earth with my girls. On the other hand my ex partner's wife is a bully towards one of my girls and I know that I cannot bear it when I hear of some of the things she says and that maternal instinct in me rises up and I have to say something to her. i cannot stand by and let it carry on no matter what tension it can cause.


Any mother would tell you that regardless of your fears your children must come first, they need to feel loved and cared for not living in fear of upsetting people.
No matter how much I love my partner if I lthought he was causing unnecessary suffering to the kids I would have to leave him.

Would it be a good idea for you both to go to counselling so that you can discuss your differences in a safe environment. And to discuss the impact a new baby will have on your lives. I too have a new baby 23 months now with my new partner were both in our 40's now. It was an enormous change and has been a real challenge both emotionally physically and financially. but I know that now I would not change anything at all. She has brought with her laughter, beauty and above all she has taught us all that we are a family whatever our circumstances and how ever far apart we are from the other children.
Good luck and i hope that you don't think I am judging you.

firstly i dont feel judged by you at all i appreciate what everyone is saying thats why im posting.
and yes i know i should say something - but should i have said something at the table or afterwards.
i do trust him with them in everyway but with these little things which can be so hurtful. and yes i think the things he says to her are unecessarily hurtful just like you say about your ex's wife. everytime something happens i want to say something...i did used to but it just became too difficult as he never ever gave in and said yes i can see how you feel. he used to say ok well i wont have anything to do with them then - what good is that. it does seem like i paint him very black...he is good in many ways eg patience with homework etc and if they dont feel well. but then soooo picky in other things.

joolee_2

Magentasue wrote:

Just to clarify, when I said your girls were at an easy age, I meant that things get worse! At the moment, he's sniping at them at they're getting upset. In three years time, their reactions will be hormonally charged.

well then maybe if we are together then they will answer him back and it will shut him up!!!!

culpepper

Really you need to talk to him about your misgivings.For instance if you dont like how he reprimands the girls, tell him. Remember you will both be bringing up your new baby . I think the Dutch say things in a more abrupt way as do the Germans. We had a German lady at work who always seemed to be taking a Snipe at everyone but was really nice and when i was learning Dutch a few years ago before we went on holiday, I realised that is just the way things are phrased and not really rude at all.
Could you not compromise over the sweets thing eg. chocolate melts and so doesnt stick on your teeth like boiled sweets do.A piece of fruit in the lunch box sometimes instead of chocolate...that sort of thing.

joolee_2

trafalgar wrote:

none of that is trivial




so what your saying is he disregards how you feel



like what ,it seems to me you got into a relationship too soon and tend to go with the flow to keep the peace but are deeply unhappy/uneasy underneath.

You know it could be your just very protective towards your girls which is natural and being over-sensitive when he chastises them......BUT you admit you don't even feel like you can say anything ,and that's bad

and I'm certain your girls see that too,not giving them the right message IMO


"i had to leave the table as i was so upset. i couldnt look at her as i know she was too. "

If your daughter realised it upset you too but you didn't say anything,what does that say to her

yes he disregards everything i say - he seems to think i did the best i could before i met him but no i have him he will be able to fill in where he thinks i fell down. my ex really had no input at all with the girls growing up he was just there!
any yes you could be right - we met 7 months before he moved over so it was quite difficult to test the water as he lived in holland not a few miles away but thats hindsight.
i do hear what you are saying and i really dont think im overprotective but yes am deeply unhappy and will do anything to keep the peace. what message do i give if i challenge him in front of them?

joolee_2

culpepper wrote:

Really you need to talk to him about your misgivings.For instance if you dont like how he reprimands the girls, tell him. Remember you will both be bringing up your new baby . I think the Dutch say things in a more abrupt way as do the Germans. We had a German lady at work who always seemed to be taking a Snipe at everyone but was really nice and when i was learning Dutch a few years ago before we went on holiday, I realised that is just the way things are phrased and not really rude at all.
Could you not compromise over the sweets thing eg. chocolate melts and so doesnt stick on your teeth like boiled sweets do.A piece of fruit in the lunch box sometimes instead of chocolate...that sort of thing.

well i have to at least try and talk to him about it - i really dont feel i have anything to lose - i just hate the shouting when the girls are home but once he starts he wont stop!!
thanks for listening

Spendless

joolee wrote:

but yes am deeply unhappy and will do anything to keep the peace. what message do i give if i challenge him in front of them?

What message are you giving your daughters by keeping quiet to keep the peace. That regardless of how unhappy are you you don't say anything?

What message does this give them when they're old enough to be in relationships of their own?

You don't have to say anything in front of them you could bring the subject up when they're not about.