The woman at the office.

SarahandherCat

Izadora wrote: »

He may not have said no but, from what you've posted, it doesn't seem like he committed to taking it any further either. Yes, he should've flat-out said that it'd gone too far but there are so many reasons why he might not have done which don't mean he actually wanted to sleep with her - he appreciated the ego-boost, he didn't know how to back out without looking stupid, he was worried he'd hurt her feelings etc.

But he did want to sleep with her, whether he would have followed through or not, he has admitted that much - and that he thought about cheating on me.

He could quite easily have made up a load of complete rubbish to appease you at that point but chose to be honest. If nothing had actually happened and his guilty feeling was just that it'd got a bit closer than he would've like there's no reason why I would expect him to tell you. Why would he hurt you over something which he probably saw as a non-event as nothing had actually been done?

He's done this before with lying, he normally ends up in a web of lies that I can easily see and end up pulling it apart until he admits it - as I said he's not a great liar. I'm still not really sure why he told me but I think once he admitted the basics he couldn't really cover up the rest, all this details is over days of talking to him and trying to sort things out - not him sitting me down and saying look this happened.

You can't ever know that and that's where trust has to come into it. You could also choose to look at it as he could've arranged to meet her in a hotel bar after work one night but didn't. They could've found somewhere near by to go for a fumble at lunch-time but didn't. They could've gone and had a bunk-up in the bogs but didn't.

His friend takes him to and from work and he doesn't take breaks he just eats on the go - at best they could have gone to the loos or something yes, but as I say she'd not been working there that long and it was still early days.

Well yes, but then where is the trust now?

The list of "what if" scenarios is endless so, as hard as it's going to be at the moment, try to focus on the "she offered it on a plate, he didn't take it" part instead.

Unf, this doesn't make me feel better at all, he didn't close the door and say no. That's just how I see this part.

Izadora

SarahandherCat wrote: »

Yes sorry, my imagination is running away again, but I still don't think I can give him credit for not actually cheating given the circumstances that the chance never arose itself.

If he really wanted to cheat he would've created the chance, you can't keep worrying about what might have happened if he'd found himself in a different situation. There's every chance that, given the opportunity, his response would've been "No thanks, I love my wife."

Candyapple

SarahandherCat wrote: »

This is what worries me and what is most likely going to be the outcome, I'm going to drive myself insane with the doubts and worries that we will end up breaking up in long run.

I don't want to go into details here, and I have said this to him, I have a lot going on ATM and if we broke up everything is just going to be so messed up, not just family wise but financially and business wise. I've given him some time, but I guess at the end of the day if in a couple months I'm still feeling the way I do now, I'm going to have no choice but to end it.

I suppose, putting the flirting aside sort off, as a few have pointed out if I can't trust him then it's not going to work. Do I think he would cheat on me? I think he has it in him to, maybe right now he'd be to scared to but what happens next time if we have a falling out, or another woman down the line comes onto him and he's got an opening. You've hit the nail on the head, maybe just simply he's attracted to other woman and wants to sleep with them, I honestly thought we were happy so it makes sense.

All I can do is try and learn to trust him again, but I honestly don't believe it's possible - but I'm not ready to give up just yet and he says he'll find a way...

It’s a good sign that you both want to work on your marriage, however if you find that things aren’t working out down the line, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed about calling it a day if need be. Reconciliation is not easy.

Perhaps set yourself a personal timeline of x-amount of months and revisit how you feel then. Have you been able to forgive (and forget)? Or are you constantly arguing, feel as though he has been nice for a while and just reverted back to his usual behaviour/swept things under the carpet? I understand you two have children together and financial commitments, however people separate/divorce all the time, some after 20, 30, 40+ years of marriage and numerous other attachments and they survive. I know it can seem daunting, even the thought of separating when you have been a family, but what cost the price of your sanity?

It’ll be the little things that end up breaking you. The white lies. The snidey comments. Transparency and honesty are so crucial here and I think your OH needs to understand that it won’t be as simple as he has confessed and you should just forgive him/not be upset, especially as nothing physical happened. You’ve been hurt in the worst possible way by someone you love. Betrayal is an awful thing to experience and the reverberations can be felt for a long time after which is why I understand why you may feel that this is the straw that broke the camel’s back with regards to not believing it possible to trust him again.

Good luck to you both, and I hope you manage to source some counselling.

As a side note to those saying give him credit he didn’t take things further, yes agreed. However note, those who tend to lie about little things (stupid things that don’t even need lying about e.g. did you take the rubbish out, what time did you get in, how old are you etc.) aren’t your usual prolific liars or Walter Mitty types. The type of lies he tells are often close to the truth – but not quite. Quite often this relates back to childhood where the habit formed and he finds it difficult to not lie, yes even about the most basic, smallest of things.

Telling white lies allows you to hide who you really are, but telling the truth holds a mirror to your mind. When you commit to telling the truth, you immediately discover what sort of person you are. Also, these types of liars are often not very good at it which begs the question as to why they even lie in the first place! That in itself answers the question as to why he didn’t lie when OP asked him about what happened, note she mentions that it was a slip of the tongue that gave him away. No doubt in that situation he realised he couldn’t lie or OP would know he was blatantly lying, so told the truth. Or at least his version of it (how convenient he can’t remember what was said). So I understand why the OP has trust issues which are no doubt a whole lot deeper than has been mentioned here and this was probably just the tip of the iceberg. Liars can’t be trusted. Without trust there is nothing.

SarahandherCat

Candyapple wrote: »

It’s a good sign that you both want to work on your marriage, however if you find that things aren’t working out down the line, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed about calling it a day if need be. Reconciliation is not easy.

Perhaps set yourself a personal timeline of x-amount of months and revisit how you feel then. Have you been able to forgive (and forget)? Or are you constantly arguing, feel as though he has been nice for a while and just reverted back to his usual behaviour/swept things under the carpet? I understand you two have children together and financial commitments, however people separate/divorce all the time, some after 20, 30, 40+ years of marriage and numerous other attachments and they survive. I know it can seem daunting, even the thought of separating when you have been a family, but what cost the price of your sanity?

It’ll be the little things that end up breaking you. The white lies. The snidey comments. Transparency and honesty are so crucial here and I think your OH needs to understand that it won’t be as simple as he has confessed and you should just forgive him/not be upset, especially as nothing physical happened. You’ve been hurt in the worst possible way by someone you love. Betrayal is an awful thing to experience and the reverberations can be felt for a long time after which is why I understand why you may feel that this is the straw that broke the camel’s back with regards to not believing it possible to trust him again.

Good luck to you both, and I hope you manage to source some counselling.

As a side note to those saying give him credit he didn’t take things further, yes agreed. However note, those who tend to lie about little things (stupid things that don’t even need lying about e.g. did you take the rubbish out, what time did you get in, how old are you etc.) aren’t your usual prolific liars or Walter Mitty types. The type of lies he tells are often close to the truth – but not quite. Quite often this relates back to childhood where the habit formed and he finds it difficult to not lie, yes even about the most basic, smallest of things.

Telling white lies allows you to hide who you really are, but telling the truth holds a mirror to your mind. When you commit to telling the truth, you immediately discover what sort of person you are. Also, these types of liars are often not very good at it which begs the question as to why they even lie in the first place! That in itself answers the question as to why he didn’t lie when OP asked him about what happened, note she mentions that it was a slip of the tongue that gave him away. No doubt in that situation he realised he couldn’t lie or OP would know he was blatantly lying, so told the truth. Or at least his version of it (how convenient he can’t remember what was said). So I understand why the OP has trust issues which are no doubt a whole lot deeper than has been mentioned here and this was probably just the tip of the iceberg. Liars can’t be trusted. Without trust there is nothing.

Thank you, the lying is a childhood habit you've hit the nail their again. He says he just doesn't want to upset me so would rather make a small lie then upset me - although 99% time I'm upset that he lied and there was no reason to lie whatsoever as it wouldn't have upset me.

I do tend to forgive him and we move on like nothing has happened, but the lies still build up , forgive but don't forget right?

Tbh I have been looking up and I do think I'll manage on my own, it won't be easy but as you say, better to keep my sanity if I can't carry on like this.

baby_lemonade

comeandgo wrote: »

This poor guy, I don't believe he has done anything wrong and his wife is nagging him to tell her his thoughts and deeds and words. You sound very insecure, you do need counselling I think.

More to the point she's plastering it all over the internet!

AylesburyDuck

SarahandherCat wrote: »

Thank you, the lying is a childhood habit you've hit the nail their again. He says he just doesn't want to upset me so would rather make a small lie then upset me - although 99% time I'm upset that he lied and there was no reason to lie whatsoever as it wouldn't have upset me.

I do tend to forgive him and we move on like nothing has happened, but the lies still build up , forgive but don't forget right?

Tbh I have been looking up and I do think I'll manage on my own, it won't be easy but as you say, better to keep my sanity if I can't carry on like this.

:eek:
In short, he's admitted to flirting and not shutting her down, nothing has happened (yet) and your mind has already progessed to seperation and/or divorce?
Innocent till proven guilty surely.
Is it actually advice your after or really more that you've made your mind up want your feelings endorsed?:(
I'm not saying its not horrible, i mean who would want to hear that , however your mind is now doing its own script writing and that could be a fatal move.:o

Alice_Walker

SarahandherCat wrote: »

Thank you, the lying is a childhood habit you've hit the nail their again. He says he just doesn't want to upset me so would rather make a small lie then upset me - although 99% time I'm upset that he lied and there was no reason to lie whatsoever as it wouldn't have upset me.

I do tend to forgive him and we move on like nothing has happened, but the lies still build up , forgive but don't forget right?

Tbh I have been looking up and I do think I'll manage on my own, it won't be easy but as you say, better to keep my sanity if I can't carry on like this.

He's not lying to protect you, he's lying to protect himself. More evidence of him deflecting his wrongdoing on other people

At the start of this thread I was in the harmless flirting camp, but now it seems this is not an isolated incident. Something really needs to change, and it's not you.

SarahandherCat

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

:eek:
In short, he's admitted to flirting and not shutting her down, nothing has happened (yet) and your mind has already progessed to seperation and/or divorce?
Innocent till proven guilty surely.
Is it actually advice your after or really more that you've made your mind up want your feelings endorsed?:(
I'm not saying its not horrible, i mean who would want to hear that , however your mind is now doing its own script writing and that could be a fatal move.:o

My mind is writing a script, I can barely eat because I feel sick to my stomach constantly, and my heart just feels heavy.

I'm not saying that I want to end it, but if things don't improve - if I can't learn to trust him, how can I carry on?

I'm saying that we are going to give it time, but I don't have high hopes this is going to just get swept under the carpet like other issues. I've not made my mind up, I just have a feeling how this is going to turn out but I'm hoping that it doesn't...

You've got to understand there are two little ones involved in this, so I need to know that I can survive on my own and that I can find a way to leave him if I need to. I just need that safety net hence why I was looking into it.

tea_lover

SarahandherCat wrote: »

My mind is writing a script, I can barely eat because I feel sick to my stomach constantly, and my heart just feels heavy.

I'm not saying that I want to end it, but if things don't improve - if I can't learn to trust him, how can I carry on?

I'm saying that we are going to give it time, but I don't have high hopes this is going to just get swept under the carpet like other issues. I've not made my mind up, I just have a feeling how this is going to turn out but I'm hoping that it doesn't...

I know you said earlier that you couldn't afford counselling but from this post is seems that you can't afford not to. Some sessions with a counsellor (separately and together) would be a very worthwhile investment, however things pan out in the future.

Guest101

AylesburyDuck wrote: »

:eek:
In short, he's admitted to flirting and not shutting her down, nothing has happened (yet) and your mind has already progessed to seperation and/or divorce?
Innocent till proven guilty surely.
Is it actually advice your after or really more that you've made your mind up want your feelings endorsed?:(
I'm not saying its not horrible, i mean who would want to hear that , however your mind is now doing its own script writing and that could be a fatal move.:o

I suspect this would be a lucky escape for the husband in the long term.


Being unable to deal with what is not a serious issue in the grand scheme shows a much deeper issue (not necessarily to do with the husband)


To be honest if OP quizzes him so often and he gets attention from someone else, I'm hardly surprised he left the door open. His own wife is already closing that door!