Is having one weekend every now and again free of visitors that unreasonable?!

ska_lover

lulu_92 wrote: »

could maybe visit in the week some times and let us have the weekend to ourselves, and I was told that I can get that weekend when they go on holiday..

They will LET you? Urgh that is sickening


I would ban them from the house until they learned some respect OP as they are doing whatever they like and have no respect for you or your wishes, obviously.


I know a couple who recently split up because of this exact same thing. HIS parents would never leave them alone - visited every weekend, etc, it got to the point where they didn't know how to BE a family alone

Mojisola

Andypandyboy wrote: »

I am sure it does, but I don't think that is the norm, which is why I asked the question.

As this is a mother who treats her son as a god, it's quite likely to be the reason in this case.

I wonder whether he had any other serious relationships before lulu and how those girls were treated.

Reckless_Saving

Time to take back your Sundays

Get a list of activities that could be done as a family (ideas below), don't worry if they're not realistic to do at the moment (kids get older). You don't need to plan it around being out during the 11:00-13:30 timezone, just go with when bests for the family, just tell your partner we're going to do X on Sunday, you're driving Don't say anything to the in-laws, if after the fact the in-law's ask anything then it's your partners job to engage in it and support the family, let him know it's his role and you're keeping out of it but he needs to do his bit for the family.

• Walks - parks (local/country), woods (different seasons), canals, views
• Events - car boot sales, food markets,
• Attractions - Open farms, zoo's, feature retailers (garden centres, special coffee shops), play parks
• Other family visits

lulu_92

missbiggles1 wrote: »

It wouldn't be changing the day, Sunday's the day that they visit now. I also don't know where "obey" comes into it or, quite honestly, why what she wants is more important than what her boyfriend wants.

Why should every Sunday be allocated to what everyone else wants? I'm asking for one weekend every now and again where we don't have to see anyone so we have the freedom to do as we wish without working around other people. It isn't more important at all, this is just one thing I have asked, not demanded.

She never seemed to have liked me to be honest. The first time she met me she was surprised I was sober due to the aforementioned time I was very drunk. She has actively tried to stir drama involving his ex girlfriend and has told me quite clearly that she isn't afraid to have words with me about anything I do wrong. Apparently I know nothing about raising children and the guidelines I have been given by my midwife are incorrect. I could write a book to support my suspicions

Pollycat

ska_lover wrote: »

I would ban them from the house until they learned some respect OP as they are doing whatever they like and have no respect for you or your wishes, obviously.

The problem Lulu has is that her OH will not even back her up if she were to do this.

In fact, he's even told her that her opinion regarding visitors doesn't matter because it's not her house.

barbiedoll

lulu_92 wrote: »

His heart was in conceiving. We discussed it at length, tried for a year, had a miscarriage then got pregnant again about 3 months later. During this time I made it clear that if he had any doubt to tell me and I wouldn't be upset, and he said this was what he wanted more than anything...

Planning to conceive and actually having a baby (or two) are absolutely poles apart in terms of expectation. I doubt very much that there is a parent on here who hasn't, at one time or another, thought to themselves "why on earth did we do this?"

Bringing one baby home is hard enough, two is more than double the work, the stress and the worry. Now is probably not the time to make major life decisions (apart from making a will!)

Staying with your mum for a few days may be good to give you and him a rest, but don't make it into a punishment for him. Yes, you do have some things to sort out, your feelings about marriage, his commitment to you and your children, and his unwillingness to confront his mother. But...after 4 months of sleepless nights, of constant child-caring and of (in your case) feeling unwell and in pain, it's no wonder you're at loggerheads. I can remember biting my husband's head off whenever he came home from work and asked me...."So, what have you been doing today then?"..I could have quite cheerfully walked out and left both him and our baby at times, being at home with small babies is very, very hard work.

Have a few days to get your head straight and to catch up on some sleep. See a doctor if you have unresolved health issues from the birth. Forget about your war with his mother, she is not important in the grand scheme of things, your relationship with your partner is.

In the long-term, if you and he are going to stay together, you need to think about moving away. For many families, this is the only way to remove yourself from an interfering family. At the very least, you need to get the mortgage sorted so that you are on it and his father isn't. If that means buying a new place, then all the better.

Your OH needs to decide what it is that he wants. Either he is a father and partner (husband) or he isn't. If he wants to play at being Mummy's little soldier for his whole life, then maybe he should move back in with her and be done with it.

Don't even think about writing him a letter though. I agree that it's good to get your thoughts down but if you give him written proof of your anger at his parents and his inadequacies as a parent/partner, I can guarantee you that it will come back to bite you on the bum at some point. He will show his mother (who will probably take a copy and keep it in her underground lair!) and it will be thrown back in your face by her, during a row, probably years later. If you want to write it all down, then do so, give it to him to read and then take it back. My mum wrote a letter to my dad when they had separated (no choice, she didn't have a phone and there was no email in those days) and her MIL produced it during a child maintenance hearing, 7 years later! Don't say you haven't been warned! :mad:

paddy's_mum

missbiggles1 wrote: »

It wouldn't be changing the day, Sunday's the day that they visit now. I also don't know where "obey" comes into it or, quite honestly, why what she wants is more important than what her boyfriend wants.

We have perhaps misunderstood one another, missbiggles

My point is that even if the OP and her partner declare that Saturday is 'their' day for being together in peace, with the way things are operating now, I would expect the in-laws to just view that as another day/chance/opportunity to see their boy and intrude just as much on Saturdays as they currently do on Sundays.

It would be a very sensible suggestion if we were talking about normal people who are very aware that it's unwise to tread on a d-i-l's toes, especially when she is less than well and getting nowhere near enough rest.

I explained my choice of the word 'obey' in post 79 but, as always, forumites are blessed with liberty to disagree and I for one am thankful to be able to do so.

Candyapple

lulu_92 wrote: »

I feel insecure because he never takes my side and has on more than one occasion told me my opinion regarding visitors doesn't matter because it's not my house.. how can I feel secure when I feel like a glorified lodger?

I seriously cannot believe the level of disrespect from your partner in not only saying that once, but multiple times to you.

This says to me he doesn’t see you as his wife/life partner, but a built-in cook/cleaner/nanny/sex partner and he isn’t afraid to put you in your place to remind you of that – ‘You’re only here temporarily and don’t you forget it! You may live here but know your role. You are not my wife’.

Can I ask why do you want to marry him? He doesn't sound like a great life partner at all if he can't even treat you with basic respect.

He likes to throw you crumbs of getting married (your friend’s engagement/ring) because he has to keep you happy and not upset the applecart – otherwise you may leave and he’ll have to make a grand gesture to get you back (buy himself some more time to get you back into your submissive role) or assuming you really did want action before coming back, do something he doesn’t want to do, such as getting married. I’m sorry Lulu but it is blatantly clear to me and no doubt all the other readers of this thread that this is not a man who wants to get married. He may want to get married later (but just not to you). Sorry.

Men are very simple. They know fairly soon after being in a relationship with a woman if they want to marry her or not. And when they do decide, they usually have their own ideas of when to propose and getting rings etc.

If it takes a woman having to nag and remind a man about getting married, he’s not the right man for you and is wasting your time. 9 times out of 10 it’s because he’s comfortable in the relationship with the way things are and not worrying about splitting assets/divorce costs if things go bad OR the woman has had his babies and he sees no need to take things further (given that traditionally women married first and then had kids).

Do you think he may possibly have his mum and/or dad in his ear warning him about not marrying you as if you divorce you’ll then be entitled to half of everything? As in half the house they all seem so bothered about?

Andypandyboy

The bottom line seems to be that Lulu's OH is happy with the way things are. So the discussions/compromises need to be had/made between them not the "MIL" and Lulu.

missbiggles1

lulu_92 wrote: »

Why should every Sunday be allocated to what everyone else wants? I'm asking for one weekend every now and again where we don't have to see anyone so we have the freedom to do as we wish without working around other people. It isn't more important at all, this is just one thing I have asked, not demanded.

She never seemed to have liked me to be honest. The first time she met me she was surprised I was sober due to the aforementioned time I was very drunk. She has actively tried to stir drama involving his ex girlfriend and has told me quite clearly that she isn't afraid to have words with me about anything I do wrong. Apparently I know nothing about raising children and the guidelines I have been given by my midwife are incorrect. I could write a book to support my suspicions

But that would leave you one day a week completely to yourselves which is what I thought you wanted - you said you had other visitors on Saturday so you wouldn't get a whole weekend to yourselves now even if his parents stopped coming over.

Obviously, if you're going away for the weekend, everybody would have to go without seeing any of you that week which is obviously no problem.