Is having one weekend every now and again free of visitors that unreasonable?!

lulu_92

Pollycat wrote: »

Like another poster has said, I think you're going about this the wrong way.

You're talking at him instead of discusssing it with him.

It sounds like he thinks this is something that has just happened during yesterday, between him going to work and coming home.

I wonder if you're really communicating effectively or just coming across to him as a nag.

I do worry about that. The problem is that he doesn't say anything so I do end up talking at him. The conversation is always one sided.

Still not talking, I think I may have my answer.

Tygermoth

I feel for you - because i think i see whats coming for you in the future.Two paths...

My lovely, bright funny best friend (lets call her Gail) met a gentle smart guy. They fell in love and had three little girls.

Guy, had a very large family who were, in a nutshell, controlling. They like to think they were just being a 'family' but in fact it was all one sided. Gail found herself becoming sad and tired as she lost every argument and everytime she drew a line in the sand her partner didn't back her up and 'gentle' guy turned out to be a 'peacekeeper' and weak willed in the face of his family.

Gail realised that whereas Guy was quite happy to moan and fight with her for 'upsetting the applecart' he just refused to step up to the family. She was made to feel the meanie, the one that was causing issues. Homelife became a two sided coin - happy when there was no family issues and unbearably tense when family were about.

No amount of conversations changed him, he would agree that the whatever was the issue was wrong, that the family were out of order. In one memorable incident his mother used the emergency key to enter the house and redecorate the girls bedrooms as a 'surprise' when Gail had mentioned in passing that the girls and her were going to decorate themselves as a fun treat' He would revert everytime to the default of siding with the family. Such remarks as i know she was in the wrong but.... ' she meant well' 'but she did a brilliant job, right?' 'it saved paying for the decorations' 'she only let herself in to do the surprise, you are being unreasonable'.

She found she had to be closed and measure each word just in case, like above it caused a situation. (I realise this spat could sound quite petty and Guys mum could have just meant it as a wonderful surprise - but she didn't. She liked to be the one giving things, the centre of attention so she stole Gail's thunder, often and repeatedly to the point Gail had to measure each word so Guys mother wouldn't ruin days out, surprises or family events) then later down the line it would be used as a rebuke 'All the things we have done for you - the beautiful bedrooms for the girls... '

One day she realised that she was sick of losing all the time, losing her self respect, losing the sayso over her children, losing the ability to make choices and losing her partner to his family. She realised this was the forked path - she either needed to let go and just be swept along and learn to put up with it or she needed to make a big change because fighting the situation was making her ill.

She made plans and just walked out the door. (not done lightly btw - In her own words - she was aware she was breaking up a family essentially over an argument of whos boss)

2 years on and Gail is not grey with tiredness or worry any more, she has her own space where both her and her girls don't have to pander to anyone.Gail is much much happier even if it came with other single parent worries (rent/childcare/bills)

LannieDuck

It's struck me in the last few pages that this really doesn't sound like a relationship of equals.

Your feelings and opinions don't count, you request things from him while he's ultimately the one who decides, he controls the assets in the relationship (do you pool your finances?), you're expected to be happy and pleasant in the evenings regardless of whether you're actually happy.

If there's something important to you, it's not unreasonable to want to discuss and find a solution to it with your partner.

lulu_92

Tygermoth wrote: »

I feel for you - because i think i see whats coming for you in the future.Two paths...

My lovely, bright funny best friend (lets call her Gail) met a gentle smart guy. They fell in love and had three little girls.

Guy, had a very large family who were, in a nutshell, controlling. They like to think they were just being a 'family' but in fact it was all one sided. Gail found herself becoming sad and tired as she lost every argument and everytime she drew a line in the sand her partner didn't back her up and 'gentle' guy turned out to be a 'peacekeeper' and weak willed in the face of his family.

Gail realised that whereas Guy was quite happy to moan and fight with her for 'upsetting the applecart' he just refused to step up to the family. She was made to feel the meanie, the one that was causing issues. Homelife became a two sided coin - happy when there was no family issues and unbearably tense when family were about.

One day she realised that she was sick of losing all the time, losing her self respect, losing the sayso over her children, losing the ability to make choices and losing her partner to his family. She realised this was the forked path - she either needed to let go and just be swept along and learn to put up with it or she needed to make a big change because fighting the situation was making her ill.

She made plans and just walked out the door. (not done lightly btw - In her own words - she was aware she was breaking up a family essentially over an argument of whos boss)

2 years on and Gail is not grey with tiredness or worry any more, she has her own space where both her and her girls don't have to pander to anyone.Gail is much much happier even if it came with other single parent worries (rent/childcare/bills)

This really speaks to me and is exactly how I see it.

I don't want to break up our family over something so seemingly trivial. I come from a single parent upbringing so while I don't want to split us up, at the same time I'm not afraid of doing most of the work alone.

I'm not taking the decision lightly but as I've been discovering that my happiness is a low priority it makes the alternative slightly more appealing.

OH and I did have a talk when I was pregnant and I told him what I was scared of happening once the girls were born and he was quick to say none of that would happen and we'd be a team so there'd be no bad guy..

lulu_92

LannieDuck wrote: »

It's struck me in the last few pages that this really doesn't sound like a relationship of equals.

Your feelings and opinions don't count, you request things from him while he's ultimately the one who decides, he controls the assets in the relationship (do you pool your finances?), you're expected to be happy and pleasant in the evenings regardless of whether you're actually happy.

If there's something important to you, it's not unreasonable to want to discuss and find a solution to it with your partner.

I agree. We do have a joint account and separate accounts as well. Financially I feel low because my maternity pay is a small percentage of my normal wage and it covers most of the bills from the joint account. I feel bad if I spend money on myself even though OH actively encourages me to.

seven-day-weekend

missbiggles1 wrote: »

As the person who pointed out the issue, I do appreciate that this was why you did it but I still think it was worth highlighting. It's rather like when people who aren't married refer to a partner as husband/wife which changes the dynamics and makes different advice applicable in discussions.

The worst is when they talk about a recently-moved-in boyfriend as 'stepfather'. :mad:

Anyway, off-topic.

Pollycat

lulu_92 wrote: »

I feel insecure because he never takes my side and has on more than one occasion told me my opinion regarding visitors doesn't matter because it's not my house.. how can I feel secure when I feel like a glorified lodger?

Lulu
I think this is a truly dreadful thing to say to the Mother of your children.

Is this how he really sees you?

LannieDuck

lulu_92 wrote: »

I agree. We do have a joint account and separate accounts as well. Financially I feel low because my maternity pay is a small percentage of my normal wage and it covers most of the bills from the joint account. I feel bad if I spend money on myself even though OH actively encourages me to.

I wondered about finances because I assume you're (as a partnership) paying the mortgage out of pooled money? But the house is still in his name only.

I can understand that he may not wish to add you to the deeds when he's contributed much more to the price, but I think you should be taking some of the joint finances each month and putting it into an ISA to save up a deposit for a flat in your name. (I realise this may not be feasible while on mat pay.)

paddy's_mum

It's long been my view that there are sometimes posts that deserve a thousand thanks because they are so accurate and truthful and illuminating.

Tygermoth, your post 263 is, in my opinion, one of that ilk. Well done and thank you :j

Lulu92. I suspect that without changes in the way your relationship works, it won't be too many years before you too are at the 'forked path'.

I feel for you and wish you luck in resolving this whole unhappy situation.

lulu_92

LannieDuck wrote: »

I wondered about finances because I assume you're (as a partnership) paying the mortgage out of pooled money? But the house is still in his name only.

I can understand that he may not wish to add you to the deeds when he's contributed much more to the price, but I think you should be taking some of the joint finances each month and putting it into an ISA to save up a deposit for a flat in your name. (I realise this may not be feasible while on mat pay.)

Mortgage comes out of his bank account. Joint account is for all other bills and savings (santander 123). Without dipping into pre existing savings (contributed by both of us) there's not enough money for me to do this.