Stil in love but no physical attraction

Person_one

So many people think 'single' is an insult, for a woman at least. Says a lot.

missbiggles1

Given that you've gone off your wife because she's no longer your physical "type" your protestations ring incredibly hollow.

Dill

If we're talking aesthetics, I think this is a beautiful painting..

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benefits_Supervisor_Sleeping

..but not many people would find it erotic. Which I think is the distinction the OP is making. Desire has to be there.

missbiggles1

Dill wrote: »

If we're talking aesthetics, I think this is a beautiful painting..

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benefits_Supervisor_Sleeping

..but not many people would find it erotic. Which I think is the distinction the OP is making. Desire has to be there.

But we're not talking about people generally, we're talking of a man who has been married to a woman he purports to love for over 20 years.

Georgiegirl256

missbiggles1 wrote: »

But we're not talking about people generally, we're talking of a man who has been married to a woman he purports to love for over 20 years.

What difference does that make? Just because you're married to someone doesn't mean that attraction can't change over the years. You can still love someone without fancying them.

Peter333

oldmanofthesea wrote: »

Normal MO from new user.. well a long time user but new ID for this question.

We have been married over 20 years, and have had our challenges during those times but have always stuck it out because deep down the love has always been present.

Over the last year though Mrs has gained quite a bit of weight. She likes her bottle or two of wine on an evening, the seconds at dinner and generally enjoys her nibbles. I need to be clear I still love her, she can have everything I have and more, the issue is that her new body shape is not "my type".

As such intimacy is becoming an issue.

Because I love her the words "lose weight" will never leave my lips, as she is entitled to be the person she wants to be. But to be with a person without the physical attraction is starting to be challenging. so I guess the options are; man up and tell her or accept it the way it is.

I have tried the easy stuff, lets go for a walk, swim, etc to encourage exercise, and have tried to change our eating habits. But if I cook something lighter to eat, she is still hungry and nibbles away in front of the TV. After all she is happy with herself, its my issue.


Any suggestions?

This does sound a bit shallow I guess, but I am with the people who say they understand it, and that you have a point. It isn't nice to say 'you're a bit podgy so I don't fancy you now,' but the fact is that this is how some people feel. Physical attraction is quite important. Maybe not a much when you're 55-60 plus, but when you're still quite young (under 45,) then yes.

I think you need to be honest with her: not cruel, but honest. Maybe even show her this thread. She will not be happy with you for it! BUT she will thank you for it eventually. Just be honest, but KIND.

Could be that there are reasons she eats a lot and isn't very active; depression maybe? Could there be anything upsetting her or worrying her?

You do need to talk to her. Good luck. You don't sound horrid, you sound like a decent man, who is just being honest.

cadon

Is it just the weight, or has she stopped making an effort completely? If she lounges about in jogging bottoms all the time without any makeup on, could you suggest a date night? Where you both dress up and go out for a nice meal at a nice restaurant somewhere? If you both make an effort to look the best versions of yourself, you might both feel that physical attraction again.

If she's gone past the point where she's just too overweight for you to find attractive, have you also put on weight? If so, losing weight together would be a really kind way to address this. If you frame it as you need to lose weight but you'd like her to join in because you need the support, she might be inclined to go for that. The way you describe her generally, the two of you are a partnership, so if you ask her for help, I'm sure she would give it.

If none of the above helps, you may just have to tell her. If my partner really felt I was still a wonderful person but he missed the way I looked when I was lighter, it would hurt, it would, but I would take it as an early warning that if I didn't sort myself out, it would be more than my health at risk, it would be the relationship.

If you do end up having to have that talk, make sure you give her plenty of reassurance throughout that you are still madly in love with her and it's because you believe she's your soulmate you feel able to be so honest. And do give her the chance to tell you what she wants you to change - after all, it's only fair.

It's not an easy situation, I do sympathise.

Andypandyboy

Let me be frank, the lack of an erection may be how problems in your marriage are manifesting for you. For your wife it is drinking two bottles of wine a night. Many of us like a drink, me included, but two bottles a night suggests a real problem, add to that the comfort eating and your lack of a hard on pales into insignificance.

You need to forget your needs and focus on why your wife feels the need to imbibe to that extent. Maybe you fall short of turning her on? Have you changed over years? Are you now bald, have a paunch, bad teeth, halitosis, lack empathy, grey, distracted, overly involved with work, disinterested in her as a person, see her as a wife and mother not a lover? Any of those could be a turn off to her too, attraction goes both ways.

So, reflect on your shortcomings, then reflect on how many people whose spouses died of awful diseases or who have dementia would give anything to be sat on the sofa with them carrying a few extra pounds.

Also, reflect on the fact that life and sex is what you make it. Intimacy is not about the physical act it is about wanting to be close to your partner, pleasing them, surprising them and showing that you love and cherish them. That comes with years of practice and you are truly missing out if you let a few extra pounds on either side get in the way of that.

Look in the mirror and ask yourself are you as sexy as the man she married in all respects? If you then see your own shortcomings, forgive hers and grow old togther swinging from the chandeliers.;)

ETA, I am glad to see the OP's post aimed at Person_One was deleted. It was quite breathtakingly nasty.

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Detroit

Andypandyboy wrote: »

That is a horrible, really nasty post. It does you no credi

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oldmanofthesea wrote: »

Single by choice? yeah right!


we do not know each other but as you choose to judge by an internet post asking for advice let me judge back.


You show no signs of empathy, a key part to a healthy relationship.


You post on the internet how you prefer to stay single in an attempt to tell the world that you are happy with the status quo, should that be the case then why post that comment?


You are obviously a lonely person who doesn't understand the meaning of true love, probably suffered rejection at an early age, maybe failed to bond with siblings or parents, who now spends their days on an internet forum validating their own life by ramping up their post count at the expense of others.


Just FYI when making love to someone "intimacy " is not all erection and "hard on's" its about cuddles and holding and feeling the person who makes you whole near to you.


It not about how it makes you feel, it is about how you make the other person feel.


When making love they need to be the most important part, you need to react to their body, their needs and not worry about your own wants.


But again I doubt you have ever made anyone feel that way so have no idea what I am talking about, otherwise why would your posts be so centric on one person, when it takes two to be together!


But preferring to being single you have probably only read that in books, or more likely seen that in movies. Or most likely spend your days and evening pleasuring yourself so have no need to learn about your partners body, and how the right touch a the right time takes them to a spiritual level.


My post was to those who know love, who understand the intricacies of human relationships and the desire to make their partner feel the most important person in the room.


To the others who have posted, thank you, there has been some good advice shared.


As I state I am not a newbie to the forums so the trolls have no lasting effect on me, but to those wanting a reaction, there it is, now get back in the pit you crawled out of.

Ouch. One of the most unpleasant posts I've read on here.

Person_one commented on your attitude as revealed in your post, which you surely expected when asking advice here.

You've retaliated in a manner deliberately designed to be as hurtful as possible, to a stranger who merely challenged your perspective.

That is not the behaviour of a kind sensitive person, which makes me wonder why this situation is a dilemma for you?
I cannot imagine someone capable of the petty spite you've shown person_one would baulk at asking his wife to lose a pound or two.

Gloomendoom

Dill wrote: »

If we're talking aesthetics, I think this is a beautiful painting..

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benefits_Supervisor_Sleeping

..but not many people would find it erotic. Which I think is the distinction the OP is making. Desire has to be there.

You're not kidding!

I must admit that I am shallow. Fat turns me right off. Be it it on a partner or myself.

I am pleased to say that I can still fit in my wedding suit and Mrs G can still fit in her wedding dress.