Stil in love but no physical attraction

oldmanofthesea

Normal MO from new user.. well a long time user but new ID for this question.


We have been married over 20 years, and have had our challenges during those times but have always stuck it out because deep down the love has always been present.


Over the last year though Mrs has gained quite a bit of weight. She likes her bottle or two of wine on an evening, the seconds at dinner and generally enjoys her nibbles.


Now I need to be clear I still love her, she can have everything I have and more, the issue is that her new body shape is not "my type".


As such intimacy is becoming an issue.


Because I love her the words "lose weight" will never leave my lips, as she is entitled to be the person she wants to be. But to be with a person without the physical attraction is starting to be challenging.


so I guess the options are; man up and tell her or accept it the way it is.


I have tried the easy stuff, lets go for a walk, swim, etc to encourage exercise, and have tried to change our eating habits. But if I cook something lighter to eat, she is still hungry and nibbles away in front of the TV.


After all she is happy with herself, its my issue.


Any suggestions?

onomatopoeia99

If you don't tell her how you feel, she won't know. Communication is so important in a relationship.

Us chaps are known to complain about women expecting us to be mindreaders, but it goes both ways.

Guest101

Talk to her, explain you still love her but are finding it difficult to be attracted to her (but nicer than that!)

hazyjo

This all reads a bit 'story' to me, but for anyone it may help in the future, I strongly believe that 'for fatter or thinner' should be added to the wedding vows.


When you truly love someone, you love them. Not what's on the outside. What if she'd lost a leg, or got scarred, or had a degenerative disease.


My OH has put weight on as he's now very happy, not taking drugs and not skipping meals and not drinking too much. He's developed a love for cooking and creating. More to love. So long as he's happy and I'm happy and he's not putting his health too much at risk, I'd rather him as he is now. I do and always will fancy and love him.


Jx

Pollycat

oldmanofthesea wrote: »

Normal MO from new user.. well a long time user but new ID for this question.


We have been married over 20 years, and have had our challenges during those times but have always stuck it out because deep down the love has always been present.


Over the last year though Mrs has gained quite a bit of weight. She likes her bottle or two of wine on an evening, the seconds at dinner and generally enjoys her nibbles.


Now I need to be clear I still love her, she can have everything I have and more, the issue is that her new body shape is not "my type".


As such intimacy is becoming an issue.


Because I love her the words "lose weight" will never leave my lips, as she is entitled to be the person she wants to be. But to be with a person without the physical attraction is starting to be challenging.


so I guess the options are; man up and tell her or accept it the way it is.


I have tried the easy stuff, lets go for a walk, swim, etc to encourage exercise, and have tried to change our eating habits. But if I cook something lighter to eat, she is still hungry and nibbles away in front of the TV.


After all she is happy with herself, its my issue.


Any suggestions?

Is intimacy becoming an issue for you, her or both of you?

Is being together challenging for you, her or both of you?

Are you sure she really is happy?
No oblique references by her to her shape?
It sounds like she's over-eating and drinking too much.
Has this always been the case or is it something new?
If it's a relatively recent thing, it may be a sign that she is actually unhappy.

You give the options as telling her or putting up with it but the latter isn't particularly working really, is it?

I think you need to carefully consider what words to use but I think you have to broach the subject.

oldmanofthesea

sorry you feel its a bit "story", I can assure you its not.


I will love her no matter what her shape or size. If she lost an arm or leg, yes I will still love her


But being in that "moment" with out physical attraction (for a man) is a little tricky.

Person_one

Ugh, another one of these, and people wonder why I prefer to stay single!

Do you look exactly like you did the day you got married? Do you think you will forever? Be less shallow. She's probably just relaxed a bit because she feels content and secure and thinks you love her for who she is not her dress size, poor sod.

If she tells you she wants to lose weight, offer your support, but don't dare tell her you think she should!

oldmanofthesea

Person_one wrote: »

Ugh, another one of these, and people wonder why I prefer to stay single!

Do you look exactly like you did the day you got married? Do you think you will forever? Be less shallow. She's probably just relaxed a bit because she feels content and secure and thinks you love her for who she is not her dress size, poor sod.

If she tells you she wants to lose weight, offer your support, but don't dare tell her you think she should!

I'm not sure you have read or understood my post.


I never said I would tell her to lose weight.. in fact said I would never use those words.


I never said I did not lover her in her shape. .. in fact I said I would lover her no matter what.


I am asking how do I deal with the intimacy aspect.. when there is love buy no physical attraction, how a man is able to demonstrate that love in the bedroom one there is one key aspect missing in that task..

Newdirections

You said you've been through a lot, and deep down you both know there is strong love there. If that is the case, I think you should tell her how you feel. Although you will harm her ego and make her feel sad for a while, she is likely to appreciate your honesty and that is what really solidifies relationships.

hazyjo

So you're saying the problem is physical on your behalf? That you can't get/keep it up because you don't fancy her? Sorry, I'm a straight talker lol. Perhaps the doctors might be your next port of call. If she lost weight, do you really think that would help with your 'e.......' disfunction?


Jx

megaginge

So, left field opinion incoming.

Mix it up a bit if you're struggling for intimacy ... Do something to excite you both. We will never look like the supermodels and hunks on the pages of the magazines, but we still love eachother. We also get older - it's inevitable. If all you care for in the bedroom are aesthetics it's a guarantee that in time the intimacy will fade...

What about some toys or games, or even going to a sex club or etc. It's not all about looks! Why not just talk to eachother about kinks, things you've always wanted to do. send eachother the odd sext. You can get the mind racing long in advance of actual foreplay.

Break the routine. Why are you just potatoed in front of the TV drinking two bottles of wine every night? Go somewhere nice, even just go for a walk somewhere .. Each to their own but just sitting on a sofa for 4 hours is not something I want to do too often... Also how much good to eachother are either one of you going to be in the bedroom after 2 bottles of wine ?! It's no wonder intimacy is an issue if you're plastered!

Take control of the situation though. Ignoring it doesn't help...