Stil in love but no physical attraction

FBaby

Detroit wrote: »

Ouch. One of the most unpleasant posts I've read on here.

Person_one commented on your attitude as revealed in your post, which you surely expected when asking advice here.

You've retaliated in a manner deliberately designed to be as hurtful as possible, to a stranger who merely challenged your perspective.

That is not the behaviour of a kind sensitive person, which makes me wonder why this situation is a dilemma for you?
I cannot imagine someone capable of the petty spite you've shown person_one would baulk at asking his wife to lose a pound or two.

Hurtful for hurtful not one better then the other. It is a difficult subject because it is a hurtful one however OP made it clear from the start that he lived his wife. I think the fact that he came here for advice first rather than post that he told his wife she was fat and that turned him off shows that he cares about her feelings but I agree the was no need for the retaliation it was an unecessary effort.

Detroit

FBaby wrote: »

Hurtful for hurtful not one better then the other. It is a difficult subject because it is a hurtful one however OP made it clear from the start that he lived his wife. I think the fact that he came here for advice first rather than post that he told his wife she was fat and that turned him off shows that he cares about her feelings but I agree the was no need for the retaliation it was an unecessary effort.

I think there's a fundamental difference between giving an opinion on the information and attitudes a person has actually shared, and posting an array of negative assumptions about a person's childhood, relationships, feelings and lifestyle, with seemingly no evidence, or purpose other than to hurt and humiliate the other.

The OP attacked person_one in a manner I found offensive, and in doing so revealed character traits quite at odds with the sensitivity and reluctance to cause pain that he is trying to convey in his other posts.

missbiggles1

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

What difference does that make? Just because you're married to someone doesn't mean that attraction can't change over the years. You can still love someone without fancying them.

Words fail me....

Detroit

To try to be constructive, I wonder if this problem is actually a symptom of something other.
It does seem odd to me that after twenty years weight is such an issue that is makes or breaks the physical attraction.

Usually people are attracted to others for a variety of reasons, with their fgure being just one of them.

Assuming OPs wife has the same facial features, expressions, mannerisms, personality and behaviour; unless he is a person disgusted by excess weight, I find it strange that this alone would prevent intimacy.

It's may be that OP has focused on his wife's weight as symbol of other issues and resentment, or is perhaps boredom with the familiarity of a long relationship.

Andypandyboy gives great advice on this, and in the OPs position I think I'd try to act on this first before telling his wife he feels this way about her weight, or dropping hints, or adopting strategies that I think most women would see through quite quickly.

Tbh, I think the OP would be taking a big risk in sharing his feelings with his wife. I'm not sure many people would be comfortable knowing that their attractiveness to their partner was so dependent on one physical feature.

It doesn't pave the way for feelings of security in the relationship as you move towards later life.

dirty_magic

OP I'd be more worried about the drinking, 2 bottles a night is far too much. Instead of speaking to her about her weight, I'd speak to her about cutting down the alcohol. If you drink a lot too you could cut down yourself and make it a joint effort. She would lose weight as a consequence anyway.

Dill

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Words fail me....

Now that is unusual, missbiggles..

missbiggles1

Dill wrote: »

Now that is unusual, missbiggles..

You're right - which shows what an awful thing it was to say.:)

Georgiegirl256

missbiggles1 wrote: »

Words fail me....

Try. It was a genuine question.

I_Love_comps

I really feel sorry for this mans wife.

As they have been married for 20 years - then I would assume the wife would be in the 'menopausal' years.

Going through the period in your life is no fun - you do lose your desire to want bedroom activity as you can very easily gain pounds, tiredness is so great you feel like doing nothing at times - any hobbies your wife may have had may cease to. As well a lots of other symptoms.

If I were this man I would approach his wife and actually mention the word 'menopause' and offer too help her in any way he can. eg maybe the husband should cook a meal at home or a surprise meal out - offer to help with household chores. Start asking her how her day as been and actually engage with. After all after being married for so long we forget to communicate and just take each other for granted. Your wife may just want to still feel needed especially if all your children have flown the nest.

-taff

oldmanofthesea....If you are a long term user, and are new to this forum, I'd like to explain how I've found the threads go

You post asking for help of some kind
Some people respond with constructive criticism
Other people respond criticising you - you respond to them - they tell you you are now in the wrong and are criticising them
Then you will get some more constructive posts
Then more criticising posts until most posts are telling you how awful you are
Then you won't come back and the entire thread will peter off into non related posts....


So don't worry, you've probably already had all the constructive help you need, stop reading now