Stil in love but no physical attraction

Pollycat

maman wrote: »

I'd suggest she probably feels really awful about herself and is 'self medicating' with the wine and grazing.

My thoughts too.

And if she and the OP previously had a healthy sex life the dwindling of that may also be weighing on her mind.

Person_one

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

And maybe I'm odd, but I don't consider drinking two bottles of wine (or the equivalent 6 to 7 pints of beer) every evening "relaxing a bit". I'd call it inconsiderate of the other person.

No, that's not a healthy alcohol intake.

The OP didn't post with "I'm worried that my wife is drinking too much and I don't want to lose her prematurely to liver disease" though, he posted that he can't get an erection because she's got too chubby for him to fancy her.

Verix

Personally I wouldn't go the route of 'you' need to lose weight but 'we' need to lose weight. Maybe you were just looking on the internet and there were some scary stats about the dangerous of drinking to excess/over eating.


As has been said above, long walks or hikes can be nice and romantic so might be an angle there. I know my dad is really enjoying going to a circuit training class at the moment as a way of meeting new people (again might be another to broach it).

Good luck.

jamiehelsinki

hazyjo wrote: »

So you're saying the problem is physical on your behalf? That you can't get/keep it up because you don't fancy her? Sorry, I'm a straight talker lol. Perhaps the doctors might be your next port of call. If she lost weight, do you really think that would help with your 'e.......' disfunction?


Jx

I think most men would know if they have a problem down there, generally if you see someone attractive and the wrong sort of thought passes through your mind you will get a reaction, you don't have a lot of control over it really.
I don't know how women's minds work, I think most are more shallow than they like to admit, but most men are shallow when it comes to looks, we don't all like the same look, size or shape but I think we generally need to find someone attractive for it to work, that's not e dis function, it's more not being turned on.
There are of course exceptions, the longer you go without it the more other matters take over.

FBaby

I'm female and 'shock, horror' I sympathise with the OP.

And me. I totally understand where you are coming from. Stopping loving someone because you don't find them physically attractive any longer is shallow, however, not finding them attractive because they have let themselves go is just a state of fact, something we don't control.

Personally, if my OH put on a lot of weight, it too would be a turn off for me but then I don't expect any different from him and that is the other reason (besides doing it for myself because it makes me feel so much better) why controlling my weight is a significant part of my life. It's hard work and certainly seems to be getting harder with age, but my OH was attracted to me physically when he met me and I want that to remain. I knew from the start that he was only attracted to slim women, so it was my choice whether this was going to be an issue for me or not.

Saying that, like you OP, I know that putting on weight wouldn't stop him loving me in anyway, and indeed, I have had times when I've put on 1/2 a stone which for me is a lot and never has he put pressure on me to lose it. He has once or twice made a gentle comment, but it didn't offend me because I agreed with him.

The problem you are facing though is that if you are honest, you are risking a similar reaction to what you're getting from the majority of women here. The reality is that most women nowadays are overweight but not happy about it, so any comments about their weight is taken in a defensive way, even when you make a point to explain that it is not impacting on love.

Personally, I find it disrespectful to the partner in the same way that a man would be disrespectful to ignore that women go through stages when they are off sex for various reasons. It is something to be communicated first and then solutions to be considered together, but for that, you have to be willing to engage.

We can't tell you how to approach the issue because only you know how your wife will take it and what the consequences are likely to be. I would say talk to her like others have, but if doing so means that she will make your life hell because she will only see the criticism rather than your issue, then accepting the situation might be an easier solution.

justme111

Person_one wrote: »

No, that's not a healthy alcohol intake.

The OP didn't post with "I'm worried that my wife is drinking too much and I don't want to lose her prematurely to liver disease" though, he posted that he can't get an erection because she's got too chubby for him to fancy her.

I see your point. But there is other pov as well :
She can help weight gain the same as someone with a short fuse can help not to become angry and say hurtful things to others. Would you advise a woman to do nothing about husband who is abusive just because she loves him and shamed her for even asking for advice on what to do with it? No? So why you think OP's situation different?

It does not work for OP for whatever reason and telling him "just be different" is unlikely to help.
Op , it is not easy. But then your family is at stake so it may be worth it. What to do - change yourself. One never can/should try to change the world around him , when one changes everything changes as well.
How to change? Depends on circumstances. For example do not sit with her on a sofa. Go walk , take on cycling , gym , fitness classes, meditate in the garden - anything but being witness and accomplice of sitting on a sofa.
Do not drink. At all. Take on new hobby. While doing this do not say a thing suggesting she should do the same! That is very important. Ban words "you should".

Look around for dancing classes and go together. Not because it will make her lose weight but because it will break the routine , make one feel good and it is very good for "sparking" things - moving together in tune to music anticipating other's next move and molding to it is good. Dancing makes women feel good and in order to lose weight she has to feel good!
Make her feel good. When you say that you love her , it's just erection that does not work I have my doubts. So , make her feel good - genuinely do not judge her , not just do not show your judgement. In bedroom - If you can not be pleased by her because you do not find her attractive you still can please her. Forgive me for going into details , you started it - sex is not only about erection. One has other body parts that in many cases are more useful for female gratification. Besides to make her feel good a kiss and a cuddle or whatever other skin contact not related to private bits can be very helpful.

Resuming - in order to change one needs to feel secure and loved. Up to you whether you want to do the work described above or just go your separate ways.

FBaby

How well do you communicate spare this matter? There's a big difference in how to best approach it if you normally communicate well as you seem to imply as it would seem you have a strong marriage except for this issue. However, if you do find it difficult to discuss anything that is a potential conflict, then clearly you might need to consider a different approach.

Mojisola

oldmanofthesea wrote: »

She likes her bottle or two of wine on an evening, the seconds at dinner and generally enjoys her nibbles.

That's a lot of alcohol every week!

https://www.alcoholconcern.org.uk/help-and-advice/what-does-14-units-of-alcohol-look-like/

I would start talking to her from the health point of view. If she reduces her alcohol level, she will probably start to lose weight.

If she compensates for not drinking by eating more, then she's not happy - the drinking and eating are an emotional crutch - and you'll have to talk more to find out what the real issues are.

pimento

How about something like..

"Blimey! I caught sight of myself in the full length mirror yesterday and my dad was looking back at me. It gave me a bit of a shock so I've decided to do something about my growing waistline. Fancy joining me for line dancing/aerobics/naked Twister?"

Mupette

My husband told me that i needed to loose weight. For intimate reasons, still married still love him very much and i am glad he told me. I also told him that he needed to as well, so we supported each other and lost some weight.

Yes It hurt that he said it. But it was also true.

You know your wife, I am sure you should know by now how to broach subjects.

Can i ask do you need to loose a pound or 2, suggest to wife that you do (if you do) you never know she may turn round and say so do i.

I take it your the cook, download on your phone hairy dieter's books, so she doesn't see them, try some of their meals and they are lovely.

Maybe when you know she is about to open a bottle distract her with something else.


Good luck