Stil in love but no physical attraction

breaking_free

I'm female and 'shock, horror' I sympathise with the OP.

The OP doesn't find his wife as attractive now that she has put on weight; this feeling is not something he has control over. The simple Darwinian fact is that we can't help what we are attracted to - there's nowt shallow or unreasonable about it.

OP, in your shoes I would broach the subject as gently as possible with my partner. She's going to notice sooner or later that your intimate times together have tailed off and she'll wonder why. Don't expect her to work it out - tell her...gently. Best of luck.

jamiehelsinki

Love is different to physical attraction, you can't help who your attracted to and no matter how much you love them, this in itself doesn't make them physically attractive.

Yes we all age and look different as we get older, but looking older is different to someone letting themselves go.

I've recently split from my wife, our problem was though we had both slowly started to move in different directions with what we wanted and where we wanted to go in life this was causing a lot of arguments.

Is her physical appearance a deal breaker for you?, I think it is for me, I couldn't have sex with someone I didn't find physically attractive.

Could you tackle this from the health point of view?

Point out she's drinking way to much, her diet isn't healthy, added weight puts strain on the heart, risks of diabetes etc. It might be better to tell a few lies with thus one in order to improve your relationship.

skattykatty

A bottle or two of wine in an evening?
I take it you're not drinking with her?
Has the drinking, and eating, gradually built up over time until she is drinking as she is now?
I'm sorry, but before looking at your issues around intimacy, I would have a good think about your wife's health and where her behaviour may lead and/or what it may be indicating. The only people I've known who drink that much every evening have, eventually, acknowledged that they are functioning alcoholics. As much as you may not be at your most content in this relationship at the moment, I really don't know that your wife is. Perhaps the first thing you need to talk to her about is your concerns about her drinking, well, if you are concerned.

If you ARE drinking that much together then maybe take account of what has already been advised by others. And yes, excessive drinking is not going to help in the bedroom.

Alikay

breaking_free wrote: »

I'm female and 'shock, horror' I sympathise with the OP.

Me too. The OP's wife has let herself go a bit, and that's never appealing in a partner, whether they've stopped bothering with personal grooming, gained weight or wear scruffy clothes. In his shoes, I'd be tackling it with a "we've put on weight/become unfit..lets sort that out as we looked way better before!" approach, but obv that only works if the OP has got chubbier too

Person_one

oldmanofthesea wrote: »

I am asking how do I deal with the intimacy aspect.. when there is love buy no physical attraction, how a man is able to demonstrate that love in the bedroom one there is one key aspect missing in that task..

As I said, be less shallow. This is somebody you have loved for more than 20 years.

Person_one

hazyjo wrote: »

So you're saying the problem is physical on your behalf? That you can't get/keep it up because you don't fancy her? Sorry, I'm a straight talker lol. Perhaps the doctors might be your next port of call. If she lost weight, do you really think that would help with your 'e.......' disfunction?


Jx

Very good point (pardon the phrasing).

d70cw6

print out some diet and exercise plans for her.
and tell her to stop stuffing her face with cake!

Stevie_Palimo

As usual the internet always brings out the worst in certain posters and they really have no place on open forums, There is being straight to the point and then darn right rude which a few above have been here.

I mimic a select few posters here by saying that you can breach this subject carefully and in a nice way without the need to hurt there feelings.

As for the few nasty posters well shame on you and perhaps staying under your bridges would be better than trolling boards to spout such childish and pedantic remarks.

ciderwithrosie_2

On a purely factual level...it is very easy to gain weight through over consumption of alcohol, I went through a phase where I was having 2-3 bottles of wine on a weekend. A bottle of wine is around 640 calories, so 3 bottles a week is an extra days calories. Add in the 'munchy' snacks and it could equate to gaining several stone in a year, particularly if nothing else changes (e.g. no increase in exercise).

On a physical level, is it just the weight gain or possibly a combination of things? Perhaps your wife feels less attracted to you also? All the more reason to start talking.

megaginge

d70cw6 wrote: »

print out some diet and exercise plans for her.
and tell her to stop stuffing her face with cake!

About as useful as most of what you contribute...