finding a break up really hard

Primrose

carlosevenos wrote: »

yeah I do have a few mates. I have been out drinking quite a bit.........

I just have to somehow fall out of love with her and get to the point where I wouldn't even want her back

Too much drinking will make you obese and unhealthy and will do nothing to cure the immaturity your girlfriend found in your behaviour.

And if you want to fall out of love with her write down a list of all her most unattractive attributes and remind yourself of them every day as well as all the negatives in your relationship. You may then start to realise it wasn't really as perfect as you thought it was.

carlosevenos

Primrose wrote: »

Too much drinking will make you obese and unhealthy and will do nothing to cure the immaturity your girlfriend found in your behaviour.

And if you want to fall out of love with her write down a list of all her most unattractive attributes and remind yourself of them every day as well as all the negatives in your relationship. You may then start to realise it wasn't really as perfect as you thought it was.

You're right. I think the main way i showed my immaturity was through drinking. I think if alcohol never existed I may still be with her. I did so many stupid things.
The weekend before she dumped me, I went hungary on a stag do and slept rough one night and lost my phone and wallet. And being stupidly honest as I am I told her what happened and she wasn't happy about it. She cried about it. So I need to control my drinking. She saw the immaturity in me through the way I behaved with alcohol

carlosevenos

krlyr wrote: »

If you don't like yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you?

I don't mean to cause offense, but I'm 28 and you sound too immature and needy for me - let alone someone with adult children, who has raised kids who've probably matured beyond that stage of their life before you. Time to do a bit of growing up and learning what you have to offer, before you dive into another relationship.

I would also suggest you're cautious with the drinks - no point taking a herbal remedy to lift your mood, and then drinking a whole load of depressant in the form of alcohol!

I'm not usually needy. In fact during the relationship, I think I was so unneedy that I didn't change with all the mistakes I made. Yeah I've changed into a needy mess now but I wasn't before. I've never been a pushover, as hard as that is to believe. I've offended so many people speaking my mind and not trying to please other people, but that's my problem.
I am immature though. Not with my sense of humour but with life skills. Yeah I have qualifications and a degree, but I just haven't got that maturity in life, and I messed up with y relationship. But not many people have to wait till 26 to get their first relationship do they

carlosevenos

Primrose wrote: »

Rejection is always hard and it must feel like a bereavement, but really maybe at the time you met you were perhaps just too immature for her. You say she sometimes complained you treated her like your mother and expected her to do everything for her. Her new guy is probably more mature and that is why she is much happier, ie it's relationship of equals.

So if there is a learning lesson for you, it's probably to look for a relationship of equals in your next relationship and take on board the probable reasons why this one failed. I don't doubt that you love her but probably you were never going to be able to give her the emotional maturity she was looking for. So give yourself a break, think about the behaviours on your part which were lacking in the relatioship from her point of view and work out how you need to improve with them before you move on with dating again again.

She probably taught you a lot without you realising it. Her legacy, if you twke it on board will hopefully make your next relationship more successful. Meanwhile keep off dodgy medications, see a GP if you are really down and try to reconnect with friends and develop a more active social life. Too much time spent on your own when you're feeling miserable just makes you feel more depressed.

she did teach me a lot, and I have to learn from it. But it's hard to trust again that's all. Thanks, I have to think like it this way. I think I'm relying too much on alcohol to deal with this, and should reach out to a GP, but maybe all they'll do is perscribe me some antidepressents. However I'm already taking st johns wort that is supposed to be as effective as most SSIR's or whatever they're called

carlosevenos

Detroit wrote: »

I think the age gap was the issue.

It's likely becoming a grandma caused her to reflect on where she is in her life compared to you.
There could have been all sorts of concerns for her, from wondering if you'd want children of your own when this is in the past for her, to worrying you'll leave her for someone younger as she gets older, or simply thinking she have more in common with someone her own age.

I don't say this because I think you'll be able to talk her round by reassuring her about this. Her mind's no doubt made up, and she's with someone else. I say it only to show you this was probably nothing you did wrong or could change.

She was with you three years and you didn't think she was unhappy, so her reasons are no reflection on you as a person, and you should not lose confidence.
You've been loved by her, so you are lovable, and will be loved again.

Meanwhile, if you feel that low you should definitely see your GP. Sometimes medical help is needed to get over these hurdles.
If you need to talk, the Samaritans are amazing. Please call them if you feel that bad again.

Accept this will really hurt for some time, and all you can do is ride it out. This is part of the highs and lows of life, and happens to us all, and we survive, and are happy again in time.

Keep as busy as possible. Fill every minute of your day to make the time pass until you start to feel better.

I'd like to believe that was the case, and it wasn't a knock on me. The truth is I wasn't really happy in my life and think I put that on her too much. I just wish things didn't have to end this way.

carlosevenos

yvonne13 wrote: »

Thanks for your honesty OP.

you said in another post that you sneaked around your parents to see her. Do I take that as being that you lived with your family until you lived together?

yeah that was the case, and I think we were both unsure about how my mum would react to it, so we sneaked around mine, and her grandparents house (where she used to live).
Now she left me, I'm back at home again. Feel like I've moved back in life, and I'm 29!

yvonne13_2

carlosevenos wrote: »

yeah that was the case, and I think we were both unsure about how my mum would react to it, so we sneaked around mine, and her grandparents house (where she used to live).
Now she left me, I'm back at home again. Feel like I've moved back in life, and I'm 29!

Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound like you moved out of your mums straight into another mummy relationship.You went into an adult relationship without the ability to provide and bringing nothing to the table. Taking drugs and being drunk may of been okay when you were single, but you're suppossed to transition into a responsible mature adult when you're living with other people and trying to make a happy future.

You're back at your mums because you have a lot of growing up to do. So take some time out to get yourself together and learn from your mistakes. Start looking for your own place to live so you can fully understand how to deal with personal responsibilies for your own actions.

NBLondon

carlosevenos wrote: »

I think neither of us foresaw a relationship, and I played it cool because I thought it could end at any moment.
I think she was excited about it all, how we'd sneak past my parents etc. It just went on and on and never ended as I don't think either of us wanted it to because we enjoyed eachothers company.

However when we started living with eachother, I think the excitement wasn't there as much.

I think this is your answer Carlos... She didn't pick you looking for a long-term relationship - she thought it was going to a bit of fun in the short-term and assumed you were the same. Quite possibly she may have been subconsciously aware of approaching 40 and wanted to feel younger. Then it turned into something a bit more. Then when it came to living together, the reality was you weren't ready for it and couldn't provide the stability she wanted (but didn't necessarily admit to). Then becoming a grandma would have been another turning point for her.


I sort of know where you might have been coming from. In my mid-twenties, I dated a few older ladies (mid-thirties to early forties) both with and without kids. Never got as far as moving in because there usually turned out to be a mismatch of expectations after the initial fun.


Time will help - get your self-confidence back and find something as a new focus - i.e. not booze or dodgy herbs - to throw yourself into. Exercise might work. Then get back to your friends and meet new people and see what happens.

burlington6

You sound a little needy OP, and if there's one thing that will wreck any man's chances in a relationship......it's acting needy

carlosevenos

maybe I can start to understand all the reasons, and maybe I wasn't ready for it. But how do you somehow get over the wanting/needing to see them again? Does that just go with time? It just hurts every day