finding a break up really hard

carlosevenos

just have to somehow fall out of love with that person which isn't so simple

carlosevenos

MatthewAinsworth wrote: »

Its going through pain that makes the man

]

thats true even though I'm being far from a man now. Thanks for your responses

System

I'd recommend doing something different now, that you enjoy

carlosevenos

piglet74 wrote: »

Look in "younger places", date someone in the 22 \ 28 age bracket next time,

Break ups can be hard to deal with regardless of age,

Where did you meet your ex? Is it possible that for her, it started out as a fling with a toyboy, that just rumbled on a few years?

I met her in this club, in plymouth, that was more of an older age group place. Not really old, I mean for like 25+ minumum usually. We hooked up and then starting dating for a bit of "fun".

A few weeks down the line she said "I really like you, and I can't help myself, this wasn't supposed to happen".
I think neither of us foresaw a relationship, and I played it cool because I thought it could end at any moment.
I think she was excited about it all, how we'd sneak past my parents etc. It just went on and on and never ended as I don't think either of us wanted it to because we enjoyed eachothers company.

However when we started living with eachother, I think the excitement wasn't there as much. About 18 months in she was saying things like things weren't as fun as they used to be, but she then explained things do tend to be more exciting when you first started seeing eachother.

Anyway we went on and still wanted to be with eacother for another 18 months or so then she dropped that bombshell on me. I didn't keep up the excitement going and I should have made more of an effort.

I think our sex life grew a bit stale and I didn't spice it up enough. For the first 2 1/2 years of our relationship she wanted it all the time, and sometimes I'd turn it down. I was putting on lots of weight and felt lethargic all the time. The last few months she never initiated it anymore.

I think I just messed up, but like I said before you get comfortable and I had no prior experience, that at the time I didn't really see the relationship deteriating.

Your probably right though, maybe I should try and find someone younger whilst I still can and meet someone who wants to get married and never know even kids, though I don't really want that at all at the moment.
thanks

yvonne13_2

carlosevenos wrote: »

I met her in this club, in plymouth, that was more of an older age group place. Not really old, I mean for like 25+ minumum usually. We hooked up and then starting dating for a bit of "fun".

A few weeks down the line she said "I really like you, and I can't help myself, this wasn't supposed to happen".
I think neither of us foresaw a relationship, and I played it cool because I thought it could end at any moment.
I think she was excited about it all, how we'd sneak past my parents etc. It just went on and on and never ended as I don't think either of us wanted it to because we enjoyed eachothers company.

However when we started living with eachother, I think the excitement wasn't there as much. About 18 months in she was saying things like things weren't as fun as they used to be, but she then explained things do tend to be more exciting when you first started seeing eachother.

Anyway we went on and still wanted to be with eacother for another 18 months or so then she dropped that bombshell on me. I didn't keep up the excitement going and I should have made more of an effort.

I think our sex life grew a bit stale and I didn't spice it up enough. For the first 2 1/2 years of our relationship she wanted it all the time, and sometimes I'd turn it down. I was putting on lots of weight and felt lethargic all the time. The last few months she never initiated it anymore.

I think I just messed up, but like I said before you get comfortable and I had no prior experience, that at the time I didn't really see the relationship deteriating.

Your probably right though, maybe I should try and find someone younger whilst I still can and meet someone who wants to get married and never know even kids, though I don't really want that at all at the moment.
thanks

But finding someone younger isn't going to sort out your issues. You need to sort your head, body and mind out first before even thinking about getting involved with someone yet.

Don't take this the wrong way , but why do you seem to think it should've been down to your ex to initiate sex!!!!

carlosevenos

i suppose it shouldnt have been necessarely. I did as well, but maybe I wasn't that secure with my abilities so didn't pine for it as much, so she did a lot of initiating.
I should have taken control and done all the initiating as a man should take control, but maybe that was the problem I wasn't a man. I just can't help but think it was all my fault and just wish that I could have put things right and had another chance, but It's done and I can't do anything about it anymore.
I was just messing up. I don't think that was the main reason, but could have been some of it. I think I just annoyed her over the years with my mistakes and she just fell out of love with me.

But it's silly because I just didn't see it coming until it was too late

yvonne13_2

carlosevenos wrote: »

i suppose it shouldnt have been necessarely. I did as well, but maybe I wasn't that secure with my abilities so didn't pine for it as much, so she did a lot of initiating.
I should have taken control and done all the initiating as a man should take control, but maybe that was the problem I wasn't a man. I just can't help but think it was all my fault and just wish that I could have put things right and had another chance, but It's done and I can't do anything about it anymore.
I was just messing up. I don't think that was the main reason, but could have been some of it. I think I just annoyed her over the years with my mistakes and she just fell out of love with me.

But it's silly because I just didn't see it coming until it was too late

Thanks for your honesty OP.

you said in another post that you sneaked around your parents to see her. Do I take that as being that you lived with your family until you lived together?

Detroit

I think the age gap was the issue.

It's likely becoming a grandma caused her to reflect on where she is in her life compared to you.
There could have been all sorts of concerns for her, from wondering if you'd want children of your own when this is in the past for her, to worrying you'll leave her for someone younger as she gets older, or simply thinking she have more in common with someone her own age.

I don't say this because I think you'll be able to talk her round by reassuring her about this. Her mind's no doubt made up, and she's with someone else. I say it only to show you this was probably nothing you did wrong or could change.

She was with you three years and you didn't think she was unhappy, so her reasons are no reflection on you as a person, and you should not lose confidence.
You've been loved by her, so you are lovable, and will be loved again.

Meanwhile, if you feel that low you should definitely see your GP. Sometimes medical help is needed to get over these hurdles.
If you need to talk, the Samaritans are amazing. Please call them if you feel that bad again.

Accept this will really hurt for some time, and all you can do is ride it out. This is part of the highs and lows of life, and happens to us all, and we survive, and are happy again in time.

Keep as busy as possible. Fill every minute of your day to make the time pass until you start to feel better.

Primrose

Rejection is always hard and it must feel like a bereavement, but really maybe at the time you met you were perhaps just too immature for her. You say she sometimes complained you treated her like your mother and expected her to do everything for her. Her new guy is probably more mature and that is why she is much happier, ie it's relationship of equals.

So if there is a learning lesson for you, it's probably to look for a relationship of equals in your next relationship and take on board the probable reasons why this one failed. I don't doubt that you love her but probably you were never going to be able to give her the emotional maturity she was looking for. So give yourself a break, think about the behaviours on your part which were lacking in the relatioship from her point of view and work out how you need to improve with them before you move on with dating again again.

She probably taught you a lot without you realising it. Her legacy, if you twke it on board will hopefully make your next relationship more successful. Meanwhile keep off dodgy medications, see a GP if you are really down and try to reconnect with friends and develop a more active social life. Too much time spent on your own when you're feeling miserable just makes you feel more depressed.

krlyr

If you don't like yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you?

I don't mean to cause offense, but I'm 28 and you sound too immature and needy for me - let alone someone with adult children, who has raised kids who've probably matured beyond that stage of their life before you. Time to do a bit of growing up and learning what you have to offer, before you dive into another relationship.

I would also suggest you're cautious with the drinks - no point taking a herbal remedy to lift your mood, and then drinking a whole load of depressant in the form of alcohol!