finding a break up really hard

Lambyr

She's done all of those things now though, hasn't she?

You seem to be under the impression that feelings are, or should be, static. That's not the case. Things change. People start to see things differently. It's entirely possible that at some point she was thinking about a future with you but over time the idea of that future became less appealing and she ended it. Again, knowing the precise reasons will not be of help to you here.

I was with a guy for several years. I realised it would not work long-term. It took me some time to realise that and once it became apparent, I ended the relationship. Do you know how he took it? He said he understood, and hoped we could still be friends. We are. He's now engaged to someone else, and we still talk fairly often.

The circumstances were different. Our relationship was not one where we saw each other every day (it was quite infrequent due to his job) but he didn't accuse me of wasting his time, he didn't get angry with me, he didn't send me abusive and hurtful messages. He was upset but he got over it and moved on. Oh, yes, I felt bad for what I did. I felt guilty for that but what I did was best for me and for him, and sometimes you have to make that call. For whatever reason, and it really doesn't matter because it's likely multiple reasons, your ex made that call. It is the right call for both of you. She has done you a big favour. It may have taken her a while, and longer than you'd like, but it is still the right decision.

Any relationship carries with it a risk of getting hurt.

You say that these nasty drunk messages were only sent because she hurt you, and that if she had sense she'd see that. In my experience, and I dare say the experiences of many others, there are signs that someone may do that long before the event. You say that she was previously in an abusive relationship. She could have picked up on some signs. But even if she hadn't, that behaviour will very well inform her current attitude towards you now.

If you have no confidence without drinking, then again, it's something to seriously work on. I wouldn't date someone with a drinking problem, and again, there's very few others that would.

You need to stop blaming her for how you feel. She did wrong in your eyes, fair enough. Is she the only person to have ever wronged you? Previously you say that her actions have shaken your faith in everyone - why? Nobody has appointed her the representative for all of humanity. We are not Legion. We are individuals.

You cannot control other people's behaviour. The only behaviour you can ever hope to control is your own. Stop wondering about why she did this, why she didn't do that. It's irrelevant to you now. Instead, focus on yourself because that is the person you have to answer to. Get some help both with the drinking and any other substance abuse problems you may have, and with your mind. Then once you've got that help, grow.

You should look on this as a blessing, a gift even. You've got the opportunity to develop as a person, to identify some faults and work on improving them. To endeavour to not be a slave to your own emotional fragility. That's actually an inherently good thing to have happened, even if it doesn't feel like it.

carlosevenos

well I don't think he was abusive, but he was an a-hole. I never treated her that way. Never yelled at her or shouted once. It was just that one instance of her dumping me and then moving on to someone else after accepting money off me when she didn't need to.
I know why she left me, well I think I do, but it's hard not to blame yourself, as I made too many mistakes, and wish I stepped up when I should have.

You just grow comfortable in a relationship, and I though she'd always be there for me.
she isn't the only person to have wronged me, but that's the worse case of it I have.

It's her life and who am I to even try and deny what's best for her, I just wish it was done a bit better, would have liked a gradual let down.

This is a gift potentially, but I' not sure if I'm strong enough to make the most of it.

You say your ex partner understood it, and that's great of him. The thing is I understand it, but it was just her moving to someone else, a day after she dumped me, so it was double whammy blow. I bet your ex may have felt less gracious about it if that happened, but who knows.

Thanks for offering me some insight. But the reality is I haven't improved so, I need to make an active effort to

yvonne13_2

carlosevenos wrote: »

and also 1.the reason I was nasty to her, is she took money off me, when she knew I was looking out for her, whilst she was already seeing someone else. So I had the double whammy of her being with someone else, 2.a day after she accepted 100 quid of me, when she didn't need to.
Yeh I shouldn't have offered it to her, but I did because I cared. But in reality she was already with someone else, and 3 I thought it was a bit selfish and unfair to take money off me, a day after dumping me. I was also very drunk when I realized this and sent the messages. That's in the most pain I've been in, in my entire life. I was tempted to end it all right there

1 Take responsibility for treating your ex like her ex
2 Don't offer people money if you don't want to hand it over. Plus you more than likely owed her it anyway. If you lived together she would've lost her 25% single allowance, and I'm guessing you lived at hers for free as she often told you to stop treating her like she's your mum
3 I would've took the money off you too and not given a rats !!!!. Like I said already don't offer if you're going to later moan about it.

yvonne13_2

carlosevenos wrote: »

1 well I don't think he was abusive, but he was an a-hole. 2 I never treated her that way. 3 Never yelled at her or shouted once. 4 It was just that one instance of herdumping me and then moving on to someone else after accepting money off me when she didn't need to.
5 I know why she left me, well I think I do, but it's hard not to blame yourself, as 6 I made too many mistakes, and 7 wish I stepped up when I should have.

8 You just grow comfortable in a relationship, and I though she'd always be there for me.
9 she isn't the only person to have wronged me, but that's the worse case of it I have.

10 It's her life and who am I to even try and deny what's best for her, 11 I just wish it was done a bit better, would have liked a gradual let down.

This is a gift potentially, but I' not sure if I'm strong enough to make the most of it.

You say your ex partner understood it, and that's great of him. The thing is I understand it, but it was just her moving to someone else, a day after she dumped me, so it was double whammy blow. I bet your ex may have felt less gracious about it if that happened, but who knows.

Thanks for offering me some insight. But the reality is I haven't improved so, I need to make an active effort to

1 How dare you be dismissive about how your ex was treated before you came on the scene. You wasn't there so keep your opinion to yourself.
2 You did
3 You did
4 Oh now you just remembered that you did, well done
5Okay
6 Right okay and ..........you did nothing to fix it
7 Could've, should've, would've.....
8 No..... that's what you did, you pushed your feet under her table and took her for granted
9 She did nothing wrong, but as immature as you are you can't see it
10 She left you and that was the best thing she could've done
11 Are you for real....YOU wasted 3 years of HER life. You had plenty of time to change your immature ways yet you chose to do nothing, so count that as your gradual let down

carlosevenos

yvonne13 wrote: »

1 Take responsibility for treating your ex like her ex
2 Don't offer people money if you don't want to hand it over. Plus you more than likely owed her it anyway. If you lived together she would've lost her 25% single allowance, and I'm guessing you lived at hers for free as she often told you to stop treating her like she's your mum
3 I would've took the money off you too and not given a rats !!!!. Like I said already don't offer if you're going to later moan about it.

.

I didn't owe her any money. It was my dad's flat, so technically I took her in.

I gave her a place to stay when she had nowhere really to go.

I offered the money even though I was struggling for no reason. She knew I had no money, but if I knew better her new man could have paid.

You sound quite harsh, and I don't like taking money off people just because I can. But I didn't expect to have so many nasty comments

yvonne13_2

carlosevenos wrote: »

.

I didn't owe her any money. It was my dad's flat, so technically I took her in.

I gave her a place to stay when she had nowhere really to go.

I offered the money even though I was struggling for no reason. She knew I had no money, but if I knew better her new man could have paid.

You sound quite harsh, and I don't like taking money off people just because I can. But I didn't expect to have so many nasty comments

You didn't take her in as it wasn't your place it was your dads.

So she took the money big deal....grow up

I'm giving you a dose of how life is so deal with it. I've noticed anytime people don't agree with you you start playing the victim.

carlosevenos

yvonne13 wrote: »

1 How dare you be dismissive about how your ex was treated before you came on the scene. You wasn't there so keep your opinion to yourself.
2 You did
3 You did
4 Oh now you just remembered that you did, well done
5Okay
6 Right okay and ..........you did nothing to fix it
7 Could've, should've, would've.....
8 No..... that's what you did, you pushed your feet under her table and took her for granted
9 She did nothing wrong, but as immature as you are you can't see it
10 She left you and that was the best thing she could've done
11 Are you for real....YOU wasted 3 years of HER life. You had plenty of time to change your immature ways yet you chose to do nothing, so count that as your gradual let down

.

1. I actually never insulted her life before. I never bad mouthed her past relationships and went off what she told me. Her ex left her son out of everything and was nasty to her, but that's what she told me and it's irrelevant.

I'm not going to go through all the numbers. She did mother a bit but I never asked her to do anything for me, ever.

I was useless at times but it was my first relationship, and I got home at 10pm every night so I couldn't cook her tea and do all the chores I wanted to.

She never took me in, we moved out together.

Your making out that she has no flaws and it's all my fault. Yes most of it is my fault but it's not like it's all me. She never let me see my friends for example.

How did I waste 3 years of her life? She could have left me at any moment. I didn't have a leash on her.

You need communication on relationships to work and she didn't really tell me.

You don't know me as a person so how can you be like that.

I may not have been mature but I comforted her through many difficult times. I wanted to get rid of all her debts. Not many people would have cared about that but didn't want her to struggle.

We did the things she wanted to do on weekends, we ate what she wanted to eat, we watched what she wanted to watch etc.
I met all her friends and family and put effort in when she didn't.

I'm young but you shouldn't assume I'm a terrible person. She knew she was with a younger guy. And yes I'm immature but it was prime years for me gone

carlosevenos

yvonne13 wrote: »

You didn't take her in as it wasn't your place it was your dads.

So she took the money big deal....grow up

I'm giving you a dose of how life is so deal with it. I've noticed anytime people don't agree with you you start playing the victim.

.

Ive admitted Ive made mistakes constantly. This thread is mostly for me to try and get over this.

Ok I didn't take her in, but what I was getting at is that she didn't take me in either

yvonne13_2

carlosevenos wrote: »

.

1. I actually never insulted her life before. I never bad mouthed her past relationships and went off what she told me. Her ex left her son out of everything and was nasty to her, but that's what she told me and it's irrelevant.

I'm not going to go through all the numbers. She did mother a bit but I never asked her to do anything for me, ever.

I was useless at times but it was my first relationship, and I got home at 10pm every night so I couldn't cook her tea and do all the chores I wanted to.

She never took me in, we moved out together.

Your making out that she has no flaws and it's all my fault. Yes most of it is my fault but it's not like it's all me. She never let me see my friends for example.

How did I waste 3 years of her life? She could have left me at any moment. I didn't have a leash on her.

You need communication on relationships to work and she didn't really tell me.

You don't know me as a person so how can you be like that.

I may not have been mature but I comforted her through many difficult times. I wanted to get rid of all her debts. Not many people would have cared about that but didn't want her to struggle.

We did the things she wanted to do on weekends, we ate what she wanted to eat, we watched what she wanted to watch etc.
I met all her friends and family and put effort in when she didn't.

I'm young but you shouldn't assume I'm a terrible person. She knew she was with a younger guy. And yes I'm immature but it was prime years for me gone

I wonder how she managed that.....

Once again you're not taking responsibility for the breakdown in your relationship.

So why complain about giving her the money?

Why do you keep going around in circles? You rubbed along as much as she could take and now it's over. So move on and learn from your mistakes.

And for reference a relationship should always be built on the foundation stones of friendship.

carlosevenos

To be honest I know the relationship ending was my fault. But I think it's a little unfair to line up a replacement before ending things with me. That's just a thing decent human beings don't do.

I have to learn from my mistakes but I'm gutted and know it's all my fault.

She wasn't with the best me, I grew complacent. The money's not important. I think I'm just so upset about how I messed up.

I just don't know where to go from here.

We were good friends. We used to laugh with eachother all the time and enjoyed being with eachother.

I wasn't happy with my life on general so I became lethargic and lazy. Sometimes you take the love word for granted.

Thanks for your honesty. Maybe I need tough love. Just wish I could turn back the hands of time as I blew it with the love of my life