finding a break up really hard

carlosevenos

thanks very much, i have to get out of self pity and loathing and use this to fuel my change

Primrose

And Carlos. Please try to make one other change.

It's "Yes", not "Yeah" which is a horrible slang version. I realise from your name that English may not necessarily be your native language but "Yeah" doesn't sound any more pleasant on the ear than it looks in the written version. That probably sounds rather snobbish but it isn't meant to be !

carlosevenos

actually i'm english, just a silly username I use. Yes yes yes!!! haha. Thanks for putting the time in to offer me advice

carlosevenos

she's now told my mum that she doesn't want her walking the dogs anymore, which is her right to do so. I think she's now moving out with this new bloke, only 3 months or so after she dumped me.
It's really hard to take. Now I know 100% I'll never see or hear from her ever again.
I just don't know how she could move things forward with another guy so soon, I'm gutted.
Any advice? Or do you think ultimately it doesn't matter?
I know I'm immature but it's tough

chesky

I think she's doing you a favour but you just can't see it yet.

Primrose

Yes it's tough.. But her making a complete break has handed back to you the ability to take back 100% control of your own life. You can either sit. In the car, not switch on the engine and go nowhere, or turn the ignition key and start driving. It may not matter much at this point in which direction you start driving. You just need to regain your self confidence and move on from the point where your emotional car crash occurred.

Yes, it is easier for her to move on because she has a positive future in view. But you have it within your power to take conteol of your own circumstances. For example, think about your appearance. Do you need to smarten up? Lose weight? Stop smoking? stop drinking? Improve your skills? Widen your hobbies and interests so you meet new people?

Everybody has difficult challenges to overcome in their lives. The people who often seem fortunate or successful are usually those who have learnt the hard lessons from earlier failures and been able to move on. Now it's your turn.

if you sit endlessly moping instead of taking positive action, try and see that you are simply providing proof that you were not mature and adult enough for her in the first place. How could you ever have taken care of her emotionally when you don,t appear to have the grit and determination to tackle the hurdles in your own life. She has gone off with an older man who has developed these characteristics. Now you have do the same or you will discover yourself making exactly the same mistakes with the next woman you like who comes along.

gonzo127

carlosevenos wrote: »

she's now told my mum that she doesn't want her walking the dogs anymore, which is her right to do so. I think she's now moving out with this new bloke, only 3 months or so after she dumped me.
It's really hard to take. Now I know 100% I'll never see or hear from her ever again.
I just don't know how she could move things forward with another guy so soon, I'm gutted.
Any advice? Or do you think ultimately it doesn't matter?
I know I'm immature but it's tough

this is not unusual, for example, when i left my wife, reasons not applicable to this, but i left and within 3 months she had a new boyfriend, ok they hadn't moved in with each other, but as we have a young daughter, so i guess she was wanting to keep things slower to let my daughter get used to him.

some people do not like being on their own, some people will rush things so that they are not alone etc.

using your words, ultimately it doesn't matter, she has made the choice to split and move on, so just look after yourself, and start moving your life forward

carlosevenos

thanks for your help. I just need to believe I can find someone else. As never had anyone before and times ticking as 29. I know it's not that old, but most people have had a wealth of experience by that age. Do I just have to break the fear barrier and start talking to woman on nights out despite possibly getting rejected? Seems hard to stand out sometime.
Maybe this was a blessing in disguise, even though it's hard to see now. I'm not very mature, but this has made me unsure and needy, and I'm not usually like this.
I have to move forward and improve my life somehow. I still care for her and love, even though she probably doesn't care about me, so I'll try and send good thoughts her way, rather than being bitter about it. It's hard losing such a good friend

Primrose

Start talking to women by all means, but don't necessarily rush to get into a new relationship immediately. Remember you have all kinds of emotional hurts to work through and if you don't "quarantine" your emotions for a while until you've worked through them you could be in danger of deflecting them on any new relationship. That would be a huge put off to any potential new relationship who might think you're only being with them because you're frightened of being on your own. Also, you have to be self disciplined enough not to appear needy and want to talk about your own personal problems all the time. Do you think you're in a strong enough position to be like that yet?

carlosevenos

yeh maybe I'm not ready for a new relationship, but I'm not sure if I could forget about her till I find someone else. I'm having dreams about her every night and It's really messing with my head. I wish they would just stop. I'm not sure if I'm having these dreams because of a lack of closure. Like how she could just move on to another guy. I know I'm going round in circles so quickly, but it messes up your belief system with trusting anyone in anything anymore.