finding a break up really hard

burlington6

carlosevenos wrote: »

yeh maybe I'm not ready for a new relationship, but I'm not sure if I could forget about her till I find someone else. I'm having dreams about her every night and It's really messing with my head. I wish they would just stop. I'm not sure if I'm having these dreams because of a lack of closure. Like how she could just move on to another guy. I know I'm going round in circles so quickly, but it messes up your belief system with trusting anyone in anything anymore.

She's with another man. How much more closure do you need.

carlosevenos

well maybe closure isn't the word. But just lack of understanding how she could do that so quickly. I know she doesn't owe me anything, but an explanation would be good. Like why she kept our relationship going for so long if she wasn't happy. I know I keep going around in circles.
I could never do that to someone. Just shows how little she cares about other people's feelings, she was just looking out for herself

burlington6

carlosevenos wrote: »

well maybe closure isn't the word. But just lack of understanding how she could do that so quickly. I know she doesn't owe me anything, but an explanation would be good. Like why she kept our relationship going for so long if she wasn't happy. I know I keep going around in circles.
I could never do that to someone. Just shows how little she cares about other people's feelings, she was just looking out for herself

She finished you because you're needy and insecure.

It's obvious by your actions on here.

Lambyr

What answer or explanation would make you happy though?

The likelihood is there isn't one and to be honest, it's not actually fair of you to demand an explanation for things. She shouldn't have to justify herself. Hearing an explanation won't change anything about your current situation; it'd probably just make things worse for you.

You're having dreams about her because you're constantly thinking about her. You need to try and move on, and seek counselling if you're having severe difficulties because this whole thing you're doing right now will only repeat itself in the future and it isn't emotionally healthy.

carlosevenos

burlington6 wrote: »

She finished you because you're needy and insecure.

It's obvious by your actions on here.

I didn't use to be this way

carlosevenos

Lambyr wrote: »

What answer or explanation would make you happy though?

The likelihood is there isn't one and to be honest, it's not actually fair of you to demand an explanation for things. She shouldn't have to justify herself. Hearing an explanation won't change anything about your current situation; it'd probably just make things worse for you.

You're having dreams about her because you're constantly thinking about her. You need to try and move on, and seek counselling if you're having severe difficulties because this whole thing you're doing right now will only repeat itself in the future and it isn't emotionally healthy.

How's it not fair to get an explanation? Yes i know it's her life and she can do what she wants, but as decent human beings, doesn't 3 years mean anything to someone.

If I wasted 3 years of someone else's life and left them out of a blue, I'd feel too guilty not to give them an explanation. But many people in this society only look out for themselves. I do hope ultimately she's happy, but I want to know what I can do to improve. I just wanted to know how someone could mean so little to her after 3 years. Like why keep the damn thing going, if your looking for an out. She had no commitment to me, no kids or anything. Just find it hard how she could go from spending every day with me and then just not even think about me anymore.

In reality though maybe your right, maybe a decent explanation that would satisfy me isn't out there, and maybe I'm just wanted a way to re initiate. It doesn't matter, but my belief systems have been messed with in the area of trust.

Your right though I have to somehow stop thinking about her, as I'm giving this too much energy. Maybe if I had a wealth of experience with girls and had many past partners I wouldn't care as much, as I would know I could do it again

I have been a bit pathetic, but I'm not usually like this. I've lost the person I love, our 2 dogs, and living at home again at 29.

carlosevenos

thanks for all your responses. It's amazing how there's people out there who put the time in to try and help others

Lambyr

It's not fair to demand an explanation because you're putting her in an impossible position to satisfy your own needs; needs which, I should add, if satisfied would in all likelihood make everything worse.

You are demanding that a woman, with free will, dissect and analyse your relationship to point to the presumably multitude of things that didn't work for her, when she is clearly trying to get on with her life.

You speak as though she, and society at large were selfish. That she has "wasted three years" of your life (it was her life too), that she only thinks of herself... these sentiments are actually your own selfish needs being expressed. Now it's OK to be selfish sometimes but you can't expect others to go along with it for your benefit.

You may not like it but she's exercised her right to not speak to you again - and can you blame her? You've admitted on this thread that you've made several rather awful comments while drunk and you admit to snapping at her in text messages with deliberately hurtful comments. Why would she open herself up to you and expose her own vulnerabilities when the chances are you're not going to like what you hear, you're gonna go and get drunk and send her another round of abuse? I certainly wouldn't.

You need to work on yourself, and not expect her to do it for you. It isn't up to her to mould you, you're not her project to turn into the perfect man. It's been three months and you're still grieving the loss of your relationship like it was yesterday - most of us who have experienced actual death have had to shape up quicker than that to become at least somewhat functional.

If you carry on like this, you're gonna be that guy that most women have ended up dating at some point who keeps banging on about his ex, and displaying all of those insecurities that just turn people away because there's very, very few women who want to mother someone. They want someone who is both confident and independent to some degree. You said yourself that at points she has had to tell you that she's not your mum - you probably think this is just light-hearted and playful, and she may well have indicated it was to spare your feelings but those words, combined with how you're behaving now may well correlate to what's actually happened in this relationship.

Seriously, the best thing you can do is delete her number, delete any other contact information you have for her, self-refer for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or talk to a GP and work on getting your head fixed. Because the longer you allow yourself to sit there, wallowing in this manufactured pit of despair and lashing out at her for being unfair to you, the more you're going to find it difficult to strike up a healthy relationship in the future. Women in the future will pick up on this... needy people tend to send out certain signals (and I should know because I have in the past).

carlosevenos

its not that I mind her seeing someone else, it was just the abruptness of it all. And yes it is her life as well, so they were 3 of her years. But if she wasn't happy, she should have just ended it earlier rather than lead me on.
I would say things about our future together. If she wasn't all in she should have left.
We are incompatible I'd say, and she can do what she wants now, but when your lining someone up whilst with someone else who you live with, imo that's not fair and is indecent. She should have ended it, gone home, and then started thinking about somebody else. She has free will, but I think lying and giving someone false hope, and then cutting someone off with no contact and treating them like sh*t a day after you broke up with them isn't right.

Yes I did send a few nasty drunk messages, but that's when I saw her out with another bloke, and it destroyed my world, and she just blanked me. So I was nasty, but if she had any sense, she'd realize that the only reason I was like that was because she hurt me so bad, and I tried to get back at her.
I regret all of that now though, and I probably should just quit drinking, but I have no confidence without drinking.

My mum walks her dogs, but apparently that's stopping. She'd still ask how I was doing. I don't think she has any hard feelings towards me anymore, but she's moved on.

She told me after her last break up she took 2 years or so before she met me, and he was an abusive a-hole. So just makes me wonder why he didn't get the treatment of being left for someone else and I did.

Maybe I do need to see someone, as I don't want this to ruin the rest of my life

carlosevenos

and also the reason I was nasty to her, is she took money off me, when she knew I was looking out for her, whilst she was already seeing someone else. So I had the double whammy of her being with someone else, a day after she accepted 100 quid of me, when she didn't need to.
Yeh I shouldn't have offered it to her, but I did because I cared. But in reality she was already with someone else, and I thought it was a bit selfish and unfair to take money off me, a day after dumping me. I was also very drunk when I realized this and sent the messages. That's in the most pain I've been in, in my entire life. I was tempted to end it all right there