finding a break up really hard

yvonne13_2

carlosevenos wrote: »

To be honest I know the relationship ending was my fault. But I think it's a little unfair to line up a replacement before ending things with me. That's just a thing decent human beings don't do.

I have to learn from my mistakes but I'm gutted and know it's all my fault.

She wasn't with the best me, I grew complacent. The money's not important. I think I'm just so upset about how I messed up.

I just don't know where to go from here.

We were good friends. We used to laugh with eachother all the time and enjoyed being with eachother.

I wasn't happy with my life on general so I became lethargic and lazy. Sometimes you take the love word for granted.

Thanks for your honesty. Maybe I need tough love. Just wish I could turn back the hands of time as I blew it with the love of my life

OP this in bold is what you have issue with and it's making you stir crazy, but you have to let it go. Listen I don't want to keep repeating myself, but it's likely your relationship was dead when she moved on. You have to stop dwelling on the past and focus on the future.

Everyone has been dumped/rejected in life and it's more about how you handle it.

carlosevenos

yvonne13 wrote: »

OP this in bold is what you have issue with and it's making you stir crazy, but you have to let it go. Listen I don't want to keep repeating myself, but it's likely your relationship was dead when she moved on. You have to stop dwelling on the past and focus on the future.

Everyone has been dumped/rejected in life and it's more about how you handle it.

Actually she told me she's never been dumped before but I get your point, most people have. Or if not been rejected many times in life in other ways.

Your right that was my issue. I think that is the hardest part for me to know she's already loving someone else. But maybe if I didn't know that I'd always be thinking I could win her back and wouldn't leave her alone. So even though it destroys me inside, it may help me move on in the long run, to know there's no chance for us.

She told me she was feeling this way for the past few weeks to a month. But in reality it could have been a couple months and she lost all feeling for me. When she became a grandma at the end of January I think that made her realise how childish I was.

Need to try and learn and stop beating myself up for my mistakes. She meant a lot to me, and honestly I want her to be happy and wish nothing bad on her. Just wish it could have been me who gave her that, like I used to in the past. I have little doubt she loved me in some way.

I'll send good thoughts her way and hope she doesn't think too badly of me anymore.
Need to become a man, just hope it's not too late as can't keep doing this to myself.

May see a doctor if these thoughts continue.

Thanks very much putting the time in and responding. I know I made these mistakes, it's just hard that's all

yvonne13_2

Just take one day at a time OP and you'll be fine.

carlosevenos

once again thanks. I'll take it a day at a time, even though its hard to feel like I'll get better. It's her right to end things, just the way it goes sometime. I've been in pain for a long time as I help hope she'd change her mind, but now it's dead and need to move on

Angry_Bear

carlosevenos wrote: »

We did the things she wanted to do on weekends, we ate what she wanted to eat, we watched what she wanted to watch etc.
I met all her friends and family and put effort in when she didn't.

I don't know if this is useful advice or not, but ...

You say the above like this was where you treated her well. In my experience this is a very draining situation to be in - if the person you're with is constantly saying "it's up to you" and "whatever you want" then you have to ALWAYS try to make all the decisions and have to try to take their preferences into account so you don't feel like a bully. It's really hard always feeling forced to make ALL the decisions, and does make you feel like you're acting like someone's mum.

carlosevenos

Angry_Bear wrote: »

I don't know if this is useful advice or not, but ...

You say the above like this was where you treated her well. In my experience this is a very draining situation to be in - if the person you're with is constantly saying "it's up to you" and "whatever you want" then you have to ALWAYS try to make all the decisions and have to try to take their preferences into account so you don't feel like a bully. It's really hard always feeling forced to make ALL the decisions, and does make you feel like you're acting like someone's mum.

In the end she did make a lot of decisions, but she pretty much refused to do things that I suggested. I didn't want to go with everything she wanted. But she was so fussy with certain things, and as we didn't really have a lot in common, I couldn't pick tv shows for her to watch unless she was happy. If we were to watch a film, she'd say "you choose", but then I'd choose loads of films and she wouldn't want to watch any of them, even though she said she wasn't fussed what she wanted to watch.
Also with things like tea, she wouldn't like many of my meal idea's, so we decided together, but it ended up being the same things every week as we coudn't agree on things that we both wanted.

I made many mistakes like I said before, but I just wish I had a second chance to have improved things, but that's long gone and it's tough to take

Lambyr

May I ask why you would like a second chance?

Please don't take this the wrong way but I'm struggling to see how you can be so enamoured with this woman.

You've got very little in common, by your own admission. She didn't really want to eat/do/watch any of your suggestions. For every criticism that someone has put your way on this thread, you've thrown multiple criticisms back at her. You've portrayed her in an incredibly negative light to say she was the love of your life.

It's becoming more and more apparent that for any fun you may have had in this relationship, this seems more a case of you needing someone.

That's kinda a problem. I want to be wanted. I don't want to be needed. Being needed is incredibly trying, it's a lot of pressure, it's suffocating, constricting - it's basically a metaphorical prison sentence when someone needs you and that suffocation causes people to lash out because they feel trapped.

But I'm not even sure you need her, you just need someone.

I seriously think you should be working on your self-confidence and self-esteem. I understand you say this was your first real relationship at age 29, you've spoken of your prime years being lost... it's not the case. I've had relationships, they've all been meh. The one I mentioned yesterday? I don't even consider that a proper relationship really because of the situation we were both in.

I'm 32 now, and now I feel like I'm in my first proper relationship. In your case though, I get the sense that because you felt you should, or you wanted to be with people earlier, you threw everything you had into this relationship when it probably wasn't ever really gonna work out. And now you're hurting, I get that, but I think you're hurting for the wrong reasons.

You need to be comfortable being alone before you can be with anyone else. You need to stop looking at relationships as something you need, something that starts defining who you are. People who can deal with being alone are people who are confident and independent, and those two traits are attractive. People who are needy, who need a relationship, who throw themselves so completely in the wrong ones because they don't wanna be alone are unfortunately the people who will be hurt, again and again and again, because they'll continue throwing themselves into the wrong relationship.

I guarantee you, for all you're hurting now, if you come back to this thread in a year or two, and read everything you've said about this woman you'll realise you two really were not that compatible.

carlosevenos

Lambyr wrote: »

May I ask why you would like a second chance?

Please don't take this the wrong way but I'm struggling to see how you can be so enamoured with this woman.

You've got very little in common, by your own admission. She didn't really want to eat/do/watch any of your suggestions. For every criticism that someone has put your way on this thread, you've thrown multiple criticisms back at her. You've portrayed her in an incredibly negative light to say she was the love of your life.

It's becoming more and more apparent that for any fun you may have had in this relationship, this seems more a case of you needing someone.

That's kinda a problem. I want to be wanted. I don't want to be needed. Being needed is incredibly trying, it's a lot of pressure, it's suffocating, constricting - it's basically a metaphorical prison sentence when someone needs you and that suffocation causes people to lash out because they feel trapped.

But I'm not even sure you need her, you just need someone.

I seriously think you should be working on your self-confidence and self-esteem. I understand you say this was your first real relationship at age 29, you've spoken of your prime years being lost... it's not the case. I've had relationships, they've all been meh. The one I mentioned yesterday? I don't even consider that a proper relationship really because of the situation we were both in.

I'm 32 now, and now I feel like I'm in my first proper relationship. In your case though, I get the sense that because you felt you should, or you wanted to be with people earlier, you threw everything you had into this relationship when it probably wasn't ever really gonna work out. And now you're hurting, I get that, but I think you're hurting for the wrong reasons.

You need to be comfortable being alone before you can be with anyone else. You need to stop looking at relationships as something you need, something that starts defining who you are. People who can deal with being alone are people who are confident and independent, and those two traits are attractive. People who are needy, who need a relationship, who throw themselves so completely in the wrong ones because they don't wanna be alone are unfortunately the people who will be hurt, again and again and again, because they'll continue throwing themselves into the wrong relationship.

I guarantee you, for all you're hurting now, if you come back to this thread in a year or two, and read everything you've said about this woman you'll realise you two really were not that compatible.

I think I have criticized her a lot in this thread just because of how much pain she's put me through, but in reality she wasn't all that bad.

To me little things such as what we watch on tv or similar interests, I don't think are that important (maybe they are?). it's more about how well you get along and if you can relate, and are on the same wavelength.

I never was needy around her at all. I never begged her for anything, I never constantly pined for her attention when she didn't wanted me, I was rarely insecure or desperate towards her. Yeh I was towards the end, when I knew things weren't right and she was leaving me, because I was so shocked. Even now I find it hard to believe this has all happened and it's 3 1/2 months ago, it's crazy. She for the most part was the one texting/calling me first, so I wasn't bombarding her with neediness.
Maybe I wasn't necessarely needy, but I was reliant on her. Like sometimes she'd have to constantly remind me to do certain things, and got the feeling she couldn't trust with small tasks. She just lost respect for me as well I think with a lack of "life skills".

I think I overexagerrated her flaws to justify somehow that I had been hard done by. She did have flaws but I have many too.

I miss her madly, and maybe I loved her so much as she gave me the confidence in myself that I never had in myself before. We enjoyed eachothers company even though there were issues with the age gap and other things. Maybe it went on too long.

I was single for so many years, whilst all my friends had gf after gf, and I'd always be stuck alone, wondering what was wrong with me. My friends were no better looking or anything than me, but they never had trouble and I had nothing.

Many of my friends can't believe how stuck up I am over this woman, and say I can do so much better. But in reality I don't know if I believe I can get someone else. Besides It's not even about looks as to me I found her attractive and liked how she was so easy to get along with.

I know you don't need a relationship to be happy, but I just don't want to have to wait another decade before finding someone else, but it's difficult as my confidence has gone back to square one, and don't know what to do.

I don't have much purpose to wake up for. Like I don't really have any goals, or drive, so somehow need to work that out. I just wish I could see her again, but I suppose it probably won't do me any good.

Booked a doctors appointment, but I'm not sure if antidepressants are the right call, as that just blocks out the problem as opposed to facing the issues head on.

I think ultimately I'm just upset with the mistakes I made, to let this one get away from me.
I think when I started seeing her I couldn't believe that she wanted to go out with me. I maybe in some ways thought "wow, I've really lucked out, finally got one", even though at the start neither of us foresaw it being a relationship. So even though I felt that I wasn't needy as I thought it would end at any moment because of the age gap, so didn't become too invested in it

justme111

You say you were not needy and then say you have no purpose in life now that you lost her. You say you were not needy bit in the next sentence you say you do not think you will be able to get a woman and your confidence was based on having her and now she is gone you do not have one. That is precisely what being needy is.

carlosevenos

Maybe your right. I didn't have much going on when I was with her and maybe did complain to much about life and finances whilst with her. In reality I wasn't really happy whilst being with her, but did enjoy being with someone and being intimate.
In reality I should have not moaned at all and held anything remotely negative in. Should have been more of a rock. But sometimes I feel like you have to communicate problems.

But like I said before I didn't have a clue how to be good with women in a relationship. Now I have hindsight on the mistakes i made. Whether I'll have a chance to try again with someone else remains to be seen.