Screwed up big time

Lostinhere

It is not cruel to explain a contact centre to my child. Dh has been well aware that this was the option for a long time. I was merely explaining that she would see her father at a special place.

The only arguing was dh denying we want different things and trying to blame it all on me. It was hardly a big argument and was diffused quickly

I am not prepared to risk him kidnapping my children or making allegations. He has never looked after them and barely knows them, he makes harsh comments to them about me, so yes a contact centre is appropriate, especially given he smashed the house up when they were in bed

Lostinhere

I didn't ask for a divorce to hurt him, at the time I wanted one, and hoped it would resolve the situation, I then changed my mind

Tiddlywinks

Lostinhere wrote: »

I didn't ask for a divorce to hurt him, at the time I wanted one, and hoped it would resolve the situation, I then changed my mind

Your story slips and slides....

Lostinhere wrote: »

About a month ago I had enough and told him I wanted a divorce. I hoped it'd shock him into changing but I don't think he believed me as nothing changed. He told me he was still married even if I wasn't.

I pity your children - they deserve parents who try to shield them from the horrors and minimise the impact of a relationship breakdown.

You seem to be revelling in using them to score points.

Lostinhere wrote: »

It is not cruel to explain a contact centre to my child. Dh has been well aware that this was the option for a long time. I was merely explaining that she would see her father at a special place.

The only arguing was dh denying we want different things and trying to blame it all on me. It was hardly a big argument and was diffused quickly

I am not prepared to risk him kidnapping my children or making allegations. He has never looked after them and barely knows them, he makes harsh comments to them about me, so yes a contact centre is appropriate, especially given he smashed the house up when they were in bed

They are not YOUR children - they are his too.

Stop looking for sympathy waving the abused victim card and start accepting you have both acted badly - put your children first.

meer53

Lostinhere wrote: »

It is not cruel to explain a contact centre to my child. Dh has been well aware that this was the option for a long time. I was merely explaining that she would see her father at a special place.

The only arguing was dh denying we want different things and trying to blame it all on me. It was hardly a big argument and was diffused quickly

I am not prepared to risk him kidnapping my children or making allegations. He has never looked after them and barely knows them, he makes harsh comments to them about me, so yes a contact centre is appropriate, especially given he smashed the house up when they were in bed

For the sake of your children, be reasonable, in one breath you're wanting to make up with him, in another you think he's going to harm the children ?

ecgirl07

Lostinhere wrote: »

I didn't ask for a divorce to hurt him, at the time I wanted one, and hoped it would resolve the situation, I then changed my mind

How can you want to be with someone who you would only let see his kid at a contact centre?

With this level of distrust there is no future.

Nicki

It's also not your decision whether or not he sees the children at a contact centre, nor without a court order giving you residence can he "kidnap" them any more than you are kidnapping them by insisting they live with you. You are both parents and unless and until a court decides otherwise you both have exactly the same rights to have the children live with you or to where they have contact.

Others with first hand experience have told you the court is unlikely to order supervised contact based on what you have said, so time to put this concept out of your head and stop threatening your husband with it and upsetting the children.

To be honest I don't know what you want from this thread, or how it can help you. It just seems to be winding you up more. You really would be better talking about this with a trained counsellor or maybe even the Samaritans.

justme111

Lostinhere wrote: »

I came here for support and I'm being called selfish and manipulative because I didn't dictate everything that happened in ten years which would have been too much for anyone to bother reading.

Hey. You come through very difficult times. Anyone who been through break up knows it. In your case it is far more difficult even as yoy have young children, you dependent on g financially and both of you sound very f..ked up. I understand you do not have emotional energy to think about children right now . Let's be honest , when we f..ked up we are not capable of it. Please do not take these replies as blaming. People just get frustrated that you do not show insight into how wrong your thinking is. So they come up with stronger words which you take as blaming. Some of those people feel strongly about it as they suffered first hand what your children suffering now. Forgive those people for being harsh. L
Please do not feel defensive. Can you think about the questions ( to yourself , although it may be more helpful to you if you write tour replies on here):
- If he can be that dangerous for children so as to suggest visiting centre for contact why do you want him to live in the same house with them ? It is either or , it can not be both.
- If visiting centre is right why did you tell him this now while you still under the same roof and not social services after separation when visiting arrangements are discussed ?
- Why do you think you will not manage financially if plenty of single parents manage , without working on benefits?

susannthe3cs

Lostinhere wrote: »

Wow, just wow...

First of all, half of the value of the house taking into consideration the mortgage, early repayment fee, selling and legal costs would be most likely under 3,000

Secondly, what job will pay enough for full time nursery for the baby and wrap around childcare for the eldest and bills etc? Not one I can get easily or quickly!

The children have never witnessed any violence. Only one argument which I swiftly ended.

I don't sleep with him for money, I slept with him because I thought we were getting back together, he hadn't given me a penny since 20 May and won't give any more!

As a single parent if you earned under 36k you would get 70% of childcare fees paid via tax credits

FBaby

It is not cruel to explain a contact centre to my child. Dh has been well aware that this was the option for a long time. I was merely explaining that she would see her father at a special place.

How would you feel if he told you that he was going to go for custody of the children because clearly you are not able to look after yourself, let alone raise children if you can manage a household budget? It would be based on factual evidence, you have shown you are not able to manage a budget (if only by not discussing with him the fact that there wasn't enough money coming in), yet it would be incredibly unfair wouldn't it?

I am not prepared to risk him kidnapping my children or making allegations. He has never looked after them and barely knows them, he makes harsh comments to them about me, so yes a contact centre is appropriate, especially given he smashed the house up when they were in bed

Don't you think that if he meant this, he would have done so already? He could have kidnapped them during the three days he looked after them on his own -and clearly coped ok- but he didn't.

I do feel sorry for you because you are clearly lost, hurt and confused, and yes, it is a very scary time, so you deserve some support getting through it, but I can't get over the fact that you would really think that going through a contact centre is what would be best for your children. Your children will be going through a huge change to their live, and yes, even if their father is not currently much present in their lives, they will miss him, and on top of adjusting to this, you think it would be best for them to see their dad in a small room, with people all around them, with him having to explain to them why they can't get out of this room, just because he made stupid threats in anger?

I've been through exactly the same, my ex didn't do much with his kids as he worked full-time, a distance away and was knackered all the time. He too made threats of taking them away when I said I wanted to leave, but never would have put my kids through the discomfort of seeing him in a contact centre. Yes, to start with, he didn't have them overnight (he didn't want to anyway as he didn't want the early mornings), but gradually this changed. Yes, he was a lazy dad, only too happy to leave all the responsibilities that comes with being a parent to me BUT he has always been a loving dad. My kids are now teenagers and they adore their dad. I know for certainty that having this relationship with him is one of the reasons why they are happy, secured, well-adjusted kids.

So frankly, I can't see how this decision is anything but a way of trying to hurt him back because he is giving you mix messages at this stage of your relationship. You can't seem to be able to or want to accept that he is probably totally torn apart and just doesn't know what he wants. That he is clinging on to normality because that's what he wishes you could go back to, but he can't ignore your deceit and the fact that you said you wanted to divorce and wonder how long it will be if you give it a go before you threatened him of divorce again next time you get frustrated with your marriage.

You both need space, at least mentally, so if neither of you can move, at least try to avoid each other. Don't eat together, don't sleep together, just take a big breath and when the anger has lessen, start to talk and more importantly LISTEN to each other.

Lostinhere

I don't see why I should take the risk of him kidnapping them and by kidnap I mean what he threatened, taking them and never letting me see them because I wouldn't know where they were.

At the time he had them for 3 days we were together so he wouldn't have taken them. He barely coped, the house was disgusting, they weren't fed or bathed properly, no routine or anything and I'm not to blame because he didn't come to the hospital. The eldest was at school and he still struggled.

It doesn't seem like he's hurt at all, he very seriously told me his mind is made up and we are split. He refuses to answer if he loves me or not. He says he doesn't like the person I've become and things can never go back to how they were.

Whilst I want to stay and wait it out, I don't think it's right for me to be the one begging for forgiveness because he's wrong too although he thinks he's a perfect husband and father.

My daughter needs a new school and if we split up this will be 50 miles away so I can be near family. I'm not going to move her to another local school in the hope we sort it out and then have to move her again.

I just need him to sit and talk but he won't.