Screwed up big time

Tiddlywinks

Lostinhere wrote: »

He says he doesn't like the person I've become and things can never go back to how they were.

Look, he's just found out you lied to him over a really long period of time.

Added to that you've also asked for a divorce and threatened to limit his access to the children.

Take the hint - you've acted badly.

Now you're obsessed with him 'kidnapping' your children.

You're getting more and more riled on this thread because you're not getting the responses you think you deserve so heaven knows how emotional you'll be getting in the real world.

Speak to a counsellor and just accept that your OH is a thinking, feeling adult and cannot just be bent to your will... you can't force him to forgive and forget.

Remember, you've ruined his financial future for the next six years - you lied to him - you asked for a divorce.

It takes time to process stuff like that.

suki1964

Where do you honestly think he's going to take two kids who you say he can't take care of on his own?

Do you not perhaps think he's saying this just to hurt you?

He has a job, he has your debts to pay off. Do you honestly believe he's just going to take the kids by the hands and run off with them when you have written time and time again he has no clue on how to care for them

I think you are being seriously over dramatic here in your need to paint him as the bad guy.

Why not do what has been suggested and get yourself down to CAB and get proper advice on how you can move forward

enthusiasticsaver

You have had some tough talking on here LIH so I would suggest you sit and have a good think about what you want. Both you and your OH have issues to resolve and both of you are at fault. Non communication also seems to be an issue.

If you want to resolve this with him and move forward you need to acknowledge to him your part in this and apologise. Firstly for running up debt without telling him and ruining both of your credit ratings, secondly for saying you want a divorce and then backtracking and thirdly for threatening him with a contact centre for visiting his kids. One of you has to be the bigger person here if you want to make this work so you have to at least acknowledge to him you have made mistakes and apologise for them. If you go in attacking him he will retaliate but I agree the threats about kidnapping your kids are a red herring. He is in the wrong to do this just as you were wrong to threaten him with contact centre visits.

If he still says he wants you to split then you need to speak to him about how this will work calmly. The house may be in his name but you have rights as a live in wife. He will need to pay child support and you will need to either find somewhere else to live or he will have to move out or you live independent lives under the same roof. You need to find out what benefits you would be entitled to and see if going back to work is an option. If you are a single parent you would be entitled to working tax credits to help with the cost of childcare. As others have said the CAB is a good place to start.

You have lots to sort out - your debt issues, the future of your marriage and where you will live and your DD will go to school even if it ends up with you having to move closer to family. Primarily you should do this with your 2 LOs in mind as this will be affecting the older one in particular. I do feel sorry for you but to a certain extent you have brought a lot of this on yourself. Just learn from this and move on.

lulu_92

Why haven't you answered whether the debt you ran up is in your name alone or if you used your husband's name as well. You mentioned that this guy is threatening to report you for fraud, yet we have no idea whether he has a leg to stand on or not (people could give relevant advice this way).

You just seem to answer every other point in a post but ignore this.

d70cw6

you poor people and your crazy lives!

Lostinhere

thanks for the advice everyone. I am an awful person. I will see if I can get him to forgive me and apologise to him

Froglet

I have just read all through this thread and only one thing stands out.His violence.Violent men NEVER change,they only get worse.I know,I had years of it,nearly killed myself,drank heavily and thought of committing a serious crime just to get away from him.In the end I ran,as far away as possible.I was lucky,had no children to consider,but it has taken years to get over the emotional scars it leaves,frankly I don't think I ever will.

Don't put your children at risk.They need you sane,not frightened of him and what he might do.You have tried,as I did for years.Now get OUT,if he won't go,you must.

Lotstogain

You are not an awful person. You may not be perfect, but neither is he. I am especially concerned about his past violence . Is this really someone you want to remain with?


I really would recommend you seek advice from CAB, or a women's refuge.


Wishing you well.


PS cross-post with froglet!

Claire_A87

You've not actually really listened to anything anyone has said have you? One of you doesn't need to grovel to the other, you need to talk to each other like adults. Wrap up your little pity party & try and move this stagnant situation forward.

suki1964

Lostinhere wrote: »

thanks for the advice everyone. I am an awful person. I will see if I can get him to forgive me and apologise to him

No one has said you are an awful person. You have done some awful things

Even reading back through this thread, you are so incensed making it out like he is the only one at fault, you can not see your own written inconsistencies.

If as you say he is intolerable then get the advice you need from CAB so you can move on without having him controlling your life and you and the kids living in fear of him Sure financially things will be tight, but then can you put a price on happy well adjusted children?

Love him? Perhaps you do in some way. But love also means respect , something from your posts here, neither have for each other