Screwed up big time

pigpen

That is 'historic' stuff and only alleged, the courts aren't interested and if you didn't call the police or social services you have no proof of anything.. noone will believe you.. I've just spent several thousand pounds on this exact thing.. you are literally called a liar by the judge.. they are only interested in the last 1-2 years.

Mojisola

Lostinhere wrote: »

Ps. I have many witnesses to the bruises he gave me and the police saw the smashed up house.

And yet you love him and think your children would be better off continuing to live in the same house as him?

Mupette

Lostinhere wrote: »

Whilst he hasn't been violent since I was pregnant with the eldest, he has been emotionally abusive and violent towards objects (he smashed up the stairs and spare room in a temper and I mean smashed!)

I want him to get help for his anger but he will laugh it off if I suggest it now. He would agree if we were happy and supportive.

I'm not using sex as weapon, he initiated it the first time and I only did it because I thought we were making up. Obviously he was using me.

Lostinhere wrote: »

Ps. I have many witnesses to the bruises he gave me and the police saw the smashed up house.

you can not possibly come back with anything to justify this behavour, you need to get your children out of there. It is NOT acceptable to have children see this, you are both mentally abusing your children

megaginge

You are weak and yet incredibly manipulative. You allow him to be lazy and absent but sleep with him as long as he gives you money for expenses. You live in that house, start divorce proceedings. You'll get half or more of the value. Plenty enough to cover expenses whilst you look for a job (like most single parents have).

Consider that fair payment and move on.

You ask the forum for advice but don't seem willing to take it.

Don't think about what's easiest for YOU. Think about what is BEST for your young and impressionable children especially the 6yo who's idea of a father figure has already been permanently ruined.

Get out. Now. You can get an emergency council house whilst divorce proceedings go through.


Sorry to be harsh. But it's needed.
My background: Child of abusive parents, finally split up when I was 12. By which point I was depressed, morbidly obese, suicidal at times. Mum was too scared to go it alone. She was also the child of abusive parents but in that case also to her physically. Not to say she had an excuse, per-s!.

To reiterate, there's nothing you can do to save this relationship (AKA make it easy for yourself). Move on.

...or accept your meal ticket comes with more terms and conditions than iTunes, continue living in an abusive relationship, ruin your childrens lives but maintain being able to be at home all day blaming everyone else for your problems.

Your choice.

Mojisola

megaginge wrote: »

You are weak and yet incredibly manipulative. You allow him to be lazy and absent but sleep with him as long as he gives you money for expenses. You live in that house, start divorce proceedings. You'll get half or more of the value. Plenty enough to cover expenses whilst you look for a job (like most single parents have).

Don't think about what's easiest for YOU. Think about what is BEST for your young and impressionable children especially the 6yo who's idea of a father figure has already been permanently ruined.

Agree with this ^

And the OP needs to get some counselling before getting into another relationship. She has her own issues which have contributed to the mess that these poor children are living in.

Lioness_Twinkletoes

megaginge wrote: »

You can get an emergency council house whilst divorce proceedings go through.

Um, no. Not necessarily. She'll get emergency housing - which could be a one room B&B.

This really doesn't ring true with me. Feel desperately sorry for the children; I think the OP is manipulative and selfish. Husband may or may not be a violent bully who may or may not be having an affair with a man or a woman. The drip feeding of information makes me very suspicious.

The only thing I agree with is that the children should start coming first in everybody's books.

Lostinhere

Wow, just wow...

First of all, half of the value of the house taking into consideration the mortgage, early repayment fee, selling and legal costs would be most likely under 3,000

Secondly, what job will pay enough for full time nursery for the baby and wrap around childcare for the eldest and bills etc? Not one I can get easily or quickly!

The children have never witnessed any violence. Only one argument which I swiftly ended.

I don't sleep with him for money, I slept with him because I thought we were getting back together, he hadn't given me a penny since 20 May and won't give any more!

Lostinhere

I came here for support and I'm being called selfish and manipulative because I didn't dictate everything that happened in ten years which would have been too much for anyone to bother reading.

springdreams

You have been given some useful advice here.

The most important being (1) see CAB and get their advice on your rights and (2) contact a women's refuge. I'd add that you need to accept that your marriage is over, and now you need to make plans for moving forward.

I'd also advise not moving out of your house (even if your name is not on the deeds, it is still your house as well as your OHs by simple fact of your marriage). Once you do it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to get your OH to move out and for you to move back in. Chances are that in a divorce that you will be awarded the right to stay in the marital house with your children until they are 18 by the court (your OH will be told to move out), your OH will probably have to pay you an allowance until you are able to reasonably find work (likely to be when both children are going to school), and he will definitely have to pay maintenance for the children. In addition, you would BOTH be liable for all the debts accrued during the course of the marriage, including the secret £15k.

Tiddlywinks

You kept £15k of debt from your husband. That would have involved lots of lies and hiding of post etc. Especially as you've even defaulted on those payments and ruined both of your credit files - you knew what you were doing was harmful to him yet you kept on going.

You still haven't answered whether the debt you ran up is in your name alone or if you used your husband's name as well.

You told him about the debt, you argued and then YOU asked for a divorce.

Asking for a divorce just to hurt your OH is emotionally manipulative and just plain cruel.

Then, during another argument in front of your children, you mentioned using a contact centre for them to see dad.

Lostinhere wrote: »

The child arrangements were discussed whilst I was reassuring my eldest she would still see her dad and how, it was after I'd calmed the situation down

How cruel can you be? Using the children to score points. You ought to hang your head in shame.

Stop playing the victim and start accepting your role in this tragedy and put your children first.