Screwed up big time

Lostinhere

I recognise I have behaved badly.

I just can't talk to him, whenever I try he just leaves the house (even sits in the shed til he thinks I'm upstairs) or he will turn the tv full blast which he knows will shut me up because I don't want the kids to wake.

I tried emailing him but he ignores them. Same with a written letter. At best I might get a reply via email with nasty accusations (he seems to think email is evidence log so if I mention his violence for example he denies it and accuses me of something bad but not true)

If we could sit like adults it would be sorted one way or the other. He won't do counselling or involve anyone else like a mediator or friend.

I'm not sure he's even bothered, nothing has changed for him except I no longer speak or watch tv with him and we don't do anything as a family at weekends. He still comes home and watches tv then sleeps in our bed...

suki1964

Lostinhere wrote: »

I recognise I have behaved badly.

I just can't talk to him, whenever I try he just leaves the house (even sits in the shed til he thinks I'm upstairs) or he will turn the tv full blast which he knows will shut me up because I don't want the kids to wake.

I tried emailing him but he ignores them. Same with a written letter. At best I might get a reply via email with nasty accusations (he seems to think email is evidence log so if I mention his violence for example he denies it and accuses me of something bad but not true)

If we could sit like adults it would be sorted one way or the other. He won't do counselling or involve anyone else like a mediator or friend.

I'm not sure he's even bothered, nothing has changed for him except I no longer speak or watch tv with him and we don't do anything as a family at weekends. He still comes home and watches tv then sleeps in our bed...

Perhaps he can't /won't talk because it's so raw and painful?

You haven't had an affair, you have kept secrets. He too is keeping secrets, neither are holier then thou. There is a lot of contemplation, recrimination and blame to get through

I personally think you are pushing too much.

Move into another bedroom, work within your budget and stop nagging him to open up. Not ideal but you can't seem to make the obvious step

Stop with the demands on how it needs to be. Child access? You arnt even legally separated yet fgs He's still putting up swings and attempting normality ( your own words)

Step back. I'm not saying wear ash cloth and ashes, I'm saying you have hurt this man badly

Time isn't really a great healer but is does make you more aware of what really needs to be mended and what can't be

FBaby

You're feeling anxious with the situation, and your way to resolve it one way or the other is to talk to allow you to reach decisions. Your OH on the other hand needs to process what is happening before he feels he is in a position to make any decisions.

Neither way is right or wrong, but if he is not prepared to talk, you can't force him. It doesn't make him a bad person, he just doesn't deal with conflict/situations the same way you do, so don't make out that he is doing you wrong because he isn't prepared to engage when you are.

Give him some space and let come to you when he is ready. You will get much more out of him if you do then if you keep pushing him.

justme111

lulu_92 wrote: »

You just seem to answer every other point in a post but ignore this.

she has not answered my questions either. Ah well , one can lead horse to the water ..

Tiddlywinks

Lostinhere wrote: »

thanks for the advice everyone. I am an awful person. I will see if I can get him to forgive me and apologise to him

Oh good grief - now you're trying to emotionally manipulate the people on here by getting them to feel sorry for you... if you're trying this with your OH no wonder he's fed up.

meer53

Lostinhere wrote: »

I don't see why I should take the risk of him kidnapping them and by kidnap I mean what he threatened, taking them and never letting me see them because I wouldn't know where they were.

At the time he had them for 3 days we were together so he wouldn't have taken them. He barely coped, the house was disgusting, they weren't fed or bathed properly, no routine or anything and I'm not to blame because he didn't come to the hospital. The eldest was at school and he still struggled.

It doesn't seem like he's hurt at all, he very seriously told me his mind is made up and we are split. He refuses to answer if he loves me or not. He says he doesn't like the person I've become and things can never go back to how they were.

Whilst I want to stay and wait it out, I don't think it's right for me to be the one begging for forgiveness because he's wrong too although he thinks he's a perfect husband and father.

My daughter needs a new school and if we split up this will be 50 miles away so I can be near family. I'm not going to move her to another local school in the hope we sort it out and then have to move her again.

I just need him to sit and talk but he won't.

3 days with no routine doesn't make him a bad father, kids tend to enjoy things like this, crisp sandwiches for tea and staying up past bedtime. It's not the end of the world. Not many blokes will worry about whether the bed is made or whether the house is a mess either, it's just not high on their list of priorities, he probably did what he could.

It's pretty pointless asking him if he loves you. He's obviously very angry, really, what do you expect him to say ? Your rush to sort it out is pushing him away, just get on with your life, look after your kids, they need routine and stability, not parents that are arguing all the time.

Listen to what others are saying, i've been there too, give him time and space, being needy will push him further away. If you do end up apart it's not the end of the world. My ex is one of my best friends now, our children and his children spend time together, they're all happy. It wouldn't have been that way if we'd been at each others throats all the time. Eventually you realise that you have to let go and move on, it just takes time.

Lostinhere

Thing is I actually don't think he's angry, he seems perfectly fine just doesn't like me. For the first time ever he's chosen to sleep on the sofa the past couple of nights, something he refused to do when I asked him to, so I think perhaps he's done being angry and just doesn't want to be near me.

Part of me is wondering if he has someone else but then he hasn't been anywhere for almost a month now.

Is it possible the debt stopped him loving me just like that?

I have been carrying on as normal with the kids routine etc and not letting tjem see I'm upset. We're not arguing but not speaking either which is his choice and I think that makes an atmosphere but I can't force him to act normally

meer53

Lostinhere wrote: »

Thing is I actually don't think he's angry, he seems perfectly fine just doesn't like me. For the first time ever he's chosen to sleep on the sofa the past couple of nights, something he refused to do when I asked him to, so I think perhaps he's done being angry and just doesn't want to be near me.

Part of me is wondering if he has someone else but then he hasn't been anywhere for almost a month now.

Is it possible the debt stopped him loving me just like that?

I have been carrying on as normal with the kids routine etc and not letting tjem see I'm upset. We're not arguing but not speaking either which is his choice and I think that makes an atmosphere but I can't force him to act normally

If he doesn't want to be near you, you'll just have to accept that for now. You seem to be focussing on the debt, from your posts it sounds as though that was just the last straw for him. You're right, you can't make him do anything, you just have to go one day at a time, gradually things will sort themselves out.

After my ex left it too me nearly 2 years to even be civil with him, when i look back i feel stupid for wasting so much time frantically trying to "sort things out" I appreciate it's really hard for you at the moment but believe me, it will get better and it won't be like this forever, just give yourself (and him) some space.

Lostinhere

It's just unbearable. I know I did wrong but so did he, and he now acts like he's perfect.

I also worry about him going out getting drunk and going with another woman.

I hate the atmosphere, we don't speak, he blanks me. After the kids are in bed I go to bed because I hate sitting on the same sofa while he ignores me.

How am I meant to know if it's over or he's just angry?

Pixie5740

You don't, you just give it time and either he comes round and starts communicating with you again or he doesn't. If he does start talking to you again it will be when he is good and ready to and not before.

It's pointless worrying about something which you have no control over. If he goes out and meets someone else then he goes out and meets someone else, you can't prevent that. After all you've written about the marriage I can't understand why you'd want to reconcile anyway. Neither of you has exactly covered yourselves in glory during this relationship. Focus on what you can do; get advice about separating with a view to divorcing if necessary, find out what financial help you would be entitled to, start some kind of relationship counselling even if it's just by yourself, and no more talk of contact centers or "special places" to the children.