Screwed up big time

Guest101

Lostinhere wrote: »

It is not cruel to explain a contact centre to my child. Dh has been well aware that this was the option for a long time. I was merely explaining that she would see her father at a special place.

The only arguing was dh denying we want different things and trying to blame it all on me. It was hardly a big argument and was diffused quickly

I am not prepared to risk him kidnapping my children or making allegations. He has never looked after them and barely knows them, he makes harsh comments to them about me, so yes a contact centre is appropriate, especially given he smashed the house up when they were in bed

A 'special place'?


These centres are used for contact with violent offenders, drug abusers and worse.


Why on earth would you want to bring your child into such an environment? - I suspect it's because you 'think' you can.

Guest101

ecgirl07 wrote: »

How can you want to be with someone who you would only let see his kid at a contact centre?

With this level of distrust there is no future.

Because that is what abuse is like.


She wants him, and will do anything to keep him.

Tiddlywinks

Lostinhere wrote: »

I spoke to z solicitor this morning just to see where I stand even though it's not what I want.

She said I would get the house til baby is 18, he would have to pay maintenance (400) but could pay mortgage in lieu of this. I could also ask for spousal maintenance. I wouldn't have enough income to pay debt so I would have to get a debt relief order.

None of that helps me save my marriage.

According to your first post, you've already had to make arrangements to pay.

Lostinhere wrote: »

Then a couple of weeks ago he found some debt id been hiding from him. 15k of it. I'm not proud of it but it is being repaid (dmp with stepchange) but it has ruined our credit ratings. He was furious, threatened to get me sent to prison for fraud so I lose the kids.

Lostinhere wrote: »

I feel stuck, he'd ignore a letter from a solicitor. Debt in both names. I don't even know how to pay the bills next week!

So, the debt *is* in both names.... I take it from your other quote that you falsified your OH's details in order to get joint credit???

Lostinhere wrote: »

Then a couple of weeks ago he found some debt id been hiding from him. 15k of it. I'm not proud of it but it is being repaid (dmp with stepchange) but it has ruined our credit ratings. He was furious, threatened to get me sent to prison for fraud so I lose the kids.

You've completely missed the point of how badly you have acted - you continue with the 'oh, poor me' posts.

What about your OH? Where will he live? How will he afford to support two properties? How does he feel about your actions which may lead to him living away from his children?

It's not all about you!

Guest101

Lets take a look from his point of view


You treat him like a child.
You financially ruin both of you.
You stop him socialising.
You control him with sex.
You threaten to take his children.
You cant let him go.


You are abusing your husband.


Now whether he's abusing you, I'm not so sure. No violence is not an answer, it's not acceptable. There is a recognised syndrome of gas lighting and hen pecking, which is where the emotional wellbeing of (usually) a man has deteriorated so much that they are no longer able to cope with stress and lash out.


It sounds like he's finally realised and simply stopped caring.


Of course you could both be horrible people, I don't know either of you.

Tiddlywinks

For a man prone to 'violence', I have to commend him on his self restraint given the circumstances he has been placed in by his wife...

pigpen

Lostinhere wrote: »

I don't want a divorce and I can't afford to pay for it. Even if I could, he would defend it and drag it through court to see if he could avoid paying me anything.. and why not you have committed fraud running up debt in his name he will have to pay why should he give you anything at all? you are essentially a criminal!!

How can I possibly move when I have no one who can put us up even for a night, no income other than child benefit and he refuses to give me a single penny? Let alone the cost of buying the stuff he refuses to let me take like bed etc.. womens aid and shelter can help with that you could also get a crisis loan should you need one.. he needs a bed too.

I feel stuck, he'd ignore a letter from a solicitor. Debt in both names. I don't even know how to pay the bills next week!

If it went to court I would get the house and as revenge he would smash it up and or take things I can't afford to replace. If the house was sold we'd be lucky to get 3 grand each not counting court costs either. you wouldnt necessarily 'get the house' and even if you were allowed to continue living in it.. so is he.. you cant get him to leave now how do you propose you'd make that happen in the future? How would you afford the payments? these are things you need to consider.

I just don't know whether to try to talk to him, carry on ignoring him or leave.

If I leave he will blame me for leaving but if I stay it's awful

I'm actually feeling quite sorry for him now.

Lostinhere

Just to add, i have no family I can stay with. The only relation I have who is not estranged is my sister and she lives in a 1 bed flat with her baby and hubby 50 miles away. Dh has no one

Lostinhere

Guest101 - !!!!!!!!!

I do not treat him like a child, he does what he wants when he wants with no regard for me or the kids.

I do not stop him socialising I merely said his nights out are all the time, without any notice, I have no idea where he is or who with and he turns his phone off. Not OK in my book!

I do not control him with sex, HE initiated it not me, I just thought it was make up sex!

I have not threatened to take his children, HE has! In his words "you will never find us","I'll get you sent to prison so you don't see them", plus threatened to make false allegations. This is why a contact centre would be safer, at least I know where they are!

I didn't falsify anything, he applied for the cards and allowed me to use them, he just didn't realise to what extent, also some were mine.

Yes he can afford our 450 mortgage and his own property, he gets 2000 a month sometimes more and the mortgage would be in lieu of child support.

Yes we have a dmp but if we split I have no income so I would then need a debt relief order. Atm all his wages and my benefits (child benefit) go into same account and dmp is paid from it (yes his wages pay it but he pays for everything as I don't work)

Yes with tax credits and income support I could afford to stay put.

Lostinhere

I should add that whilst he goes out all night living the single life, I am the default parent who hadn't been out since before the eldest was born because I can't just go out and rely on him to stay home whereas he knows I will be home!

Mojisola

Lostinhere wrote: »

I do want to save my marriage

Lostinhere wrote: »

I should add that whilst he goes out all night living the single life, I am the default parent who hadn't been out since before the eldest was born because I can't just go out and rely on him to stay home whereas he knows I will be home!

Again, why do you want to stay with him?

Would he really walk out and leave the children alone in the house?