Screwed up big time

Lostinhere

As previously explained I can't work evenings or weekends because dh hours are erratic so I could never guarantee hours.

I have a grandma I am very close to as well as my sister. We have no family where we currently live. So yes I would want to move closer to my only family.

Yes I understand the gravity of the situation but that doesn't mean it can't be fixed, the problem is also communication. Dh has never sat and talked, we never resolve things properly and usually it's just a case of me apologising (whoever is at fault) and trying to talk him round or beg.

When we applied for the initial mortgage we had no debt other than a small overdraft, both working full time. I left work when pregnant (medical reasons) and that is when the debt began to accrue. When we got the "new" mortgage dh was fully aware of the debt we had and we agreed with the broker we would clear it with a loan from my dad. After moving and due to moving the debt rose. My dad couldn't give us the loan (personal reasons) so we took on a dmp. The debt then increased on the cards etc we already had.

Nicki

Do you or your DH have criminal convictions? If not you could train and register as a child minder and it wouldn't matter what your DH's shifts were. There are some legitimate home working jobs, such as secretarial work, data entry etc which can be done in the evenings from your home computer. Why are none of these options?

Guest101

Lostinhere wrote: »

Guest101 - !!!!!!!!! - Sometimes you get opinions which are not what you want to hear.

I do not treat him like a child, he does what he wants when he wants with no regard for me or the kids. - I suspect that's not totally accurate. I presume he continues to work, for you and the kids?

I do not stop him socialising I merely said his nights out are all the time, without any notice, I have no idea where he is or who with and he turns his phone off. Not OK in my book! - What right do you have to demand to know where he is, who he's with? I can totally understand him turning his phone off. He wants time away from you and you continue to control him.

I do not control him with sex, HE initiated it not me, I just thought it was make up sex! - Well stop having sex then.

I have not threatened to take his children, HE has! In his words "you will never find us","I'll get you sent to prison so you don't see them", plus threatened to make false allegations. This is why a contact centre would be safer, at least I know where they are! - You should go to prison if you've committed fraud. But that aside your threats are irrelevant, if this goes to court you'll be the one visiting them in a contact centre.

I didn't falsify anything, he applied for the cards and allowed me to use them, he just didn't realise to what extent, also some were mine. - So you spent money that wasn't yours to spend.

Yes he can afford our 450 mortgage and his own property, he gets 2000 a month sometimes more and the mortgage would be in lieu of child support.

Yes we have a dmp but if we split I have no income so I would then need a debt relief order. Atm all his wages and my benefits (child benefit) go into same account and dmp is paid from it (yes his wages pay it but he pays for everything as I don't work) - So he's clearing your debts, what a monster!

Yes with tax credits and income support I could afford to stay put.

If he was reading this, I'd tell him to go to Mens Advice Line

FBaby

As previously explained I can't work evenings or weekends because dh hours are erratic so I could never guarantee hours.

So in this case, have you actually worked out that you would be no better off working even if paying full childcare for a year or so (how old is your youngest) or have you just assumed you would be no better off?

FBaby

Sorry, just re-read that your youngest is 13 months old, so a couple more years until you get the free childcare element (or isn't that changing from last April?)

cbrown372

The OP would be better spending her time actually communicating with her husband than posting to a load of strangers on the net with half a story.

cyantist

I can understand how frustrating it must be to have a partner who does nothing to help, not even with the kids. But it seems like this has always been the case so you can’t be surprised by this and given that you are now not working at all it's understandable you should be doing everything. The going out late with no notice and turning his phone off I would hate (because I would worry – with good reason given his past record of what happens when he goes out late drinking), as well as going out on our anniversary. But I could forgive those, and have done so in the past.

What I couldn’t forgive would be DH racking up huge debts that I would then have to pay off out of my wages because he has given up work and refuses to entertain any sort of employment, even something that would fit around my erratic hours. I know other people would be of the opinion it’s only money, but I couldn’t trust him if he got us in debt to that extent and made no attempt to help pay it off. I think you’re underestimating how badly what you have done is viewed by the majority of people and despite almost everyone here telling you, still seem to think what he has done is just as bad as what you’ve done.

Lostinhere

Why would I be visiting them in a contact centre??

I am desperate to work, dh won't let me be a childminder because he doesn't want to come home to other people's kids or parents. He refuses. I used to nanny and take my eldest with me, this is something I am still looking for and can take the youngest

Dont presume I don't want to work or repay it because I do.

He's taken my hard drive so I have no computer to work from home and no money for a new hard drive.

I have no problem doing 100% cleaning and cooking but who can honestly say that it's normal and acceptable for him to sit there from the moment he gets in til the moment he goes to bed, and weekends and totally ignore the children????

Childcare in my area for a childminder to do school runs and have the eldest until 530pm would be £100 per week. Alternatively school club is £10 a day but finishes at 5pm.

Nursery is approx 950 per month, you pay the whole day or you pick sessions but you cannot do in between (so 11-4 is a whole day rate but 8-1 is half rate or 1-6, you can't overlap).

I wouldn't be happy sending the baby to a childminder, and nor would dh as I have mentioned it to him before.

Ironically when I asked him he said he wants me to be home with the baby rather than work just to repay debt.

Also can I just point out that we jointly spent the money!

Lostinhere

Also I did work to repay it before having the youngest. Full time as a nanny, took eldest with me, every penny went to repaying debt literally every penny and I still did 100% of cleaning cooking and childcare deSpite working 12 hour days as opposed to his 8 hrs or less!

Guest101

Lostinhere wrote: »

Why would I be visiting them in a contact centre?? - The way this whole story comes across is with you being abusive towards him. Abuse is more than curse words or violence.

I am desperate to work, dh won't let me be a childminder because he doesn't want to come home to other people's kids or parents. - So that's the only job you're willing to do? I'm sure you do want to work. But want doesn't pay the bills. He refuses. I used to nanny and take my eldest with me, this is something I am still looking for and can take the youngest

Dont presume I don't want to work or repay it because I do. - I want to be a premiership footballer.

He's taken my hard drive so I have no computer to work from home and no money for a new hard drive. - The library has access to the internet. I believe some jobcentres have similar set ups.

I have no problem doing 100% cleaning and cooking but who can honestly say that it's normal and acceptable for him to sit there from the moment he gets in til the moment he goes to bed, and weekends and totally ignore the children???? - It's normal because it's been happening for years. No many people wouldn't accept it, but you aren't going to change an ingrained routine overnight.

Childcare in my area for a childminder to do school runs and have the eldest until 530pm would be £100 per week. Alternatively school club is £10 a day but finishes at 5pm. - You could try part time work, or evenings or weekends.

Nursery is approx 950 per month, you pay the whole day or you pick sessions but you cannot do in between (so 11-4 is a whole day rate but 8-1 is half rate or 1-6, you can't overlap). - There are jobs you can fit in around that.

I wouldn't be happy sending the baby to a childminder, and nor would dh as I have mentioned it to him before. - Well then you both need to compromise.

Ironically when I asked him he said he wants me to be home with the baby rather than work just to repay debt. - Again that's for you both to decide.

Also can I just point out that we jointly spent the money!

Yes but you kept it secret. If you were looking after the financial affairs, it's not unreasonable to think you were managing it.


You haven't answered why you think you have a right to know where he is and who he's with?