Screwed up big time

balletshoes

Lostinhere wrote: »

I'm sure my sister would let me stay a week but I can't drive 4 hours a day for the school run! I am considering it though.

I do want to change and I'm sure if he calmed down and we discussed it that we could sort it out, but he won't listen or sit down to talk ever

for a week you don't need to drive 4 hours a day for the school run, just inform the school your daughter won't be there for a week, and why.

Lostinhere

No I haven't been out since the eldest, and we've only been out once as a couple partly due to difficulty getting a babysitter, not sure why else not.

I never really had any local friends until dd went to school and even then we weren't close til last year. So i didn't go out. Dh was the same until he met his friend, then he turned into someone who put his friend (who he says is barely a friend!) before his family and started acting like a single lad with no responsibility (like his friend!) started listening to what his friend said over my feelings (ie he went out on the lash on our anniversary cos his friend asked him and kept saying i would get over it)

I don't think I need counselling, I'm not blanking anything, it's a lot to remember when replying

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Lostinhere wrote: »

The mortgage we had at the time I gave up work was large. I gave up work when pregnant so I had no wages to repay it. The debt began when I left work and dh earned 29k

We've since moved and had another child, our new mortgage is 450. He now earns 2000+ of which we pay mortgage bills shopping and dmp. Our bills are more expensive in this area by a lot, we are comfortable now compared to before which is why we can afford the dmp

How did you get a mortgage with a DMP? How did it get approved if he had no idea what outgoings he had? How could he agree to applying for it without knowing what it was he was signing?

suki1964

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

How did you get a mortgage with a DMP? How did it get approved if he had no idea what outgoings he had? How could he agree to applying for it without knowing what it was he was signing?

You know your post earlier? The one full of gasses?

Me thinks you are so right

Lostinhere

We had the mortgage the year before I got pregnant, ported it and remortgaged before getting the dmp. He knew we had the dmp, he saw it go out each month, he just didn't know the total amount of debt it was repaying, only had the dmp a couple of years

pigpen

I've not been out since having my almost 6 year old.. that means very little.. I trust my OH implicitly with our children..

You also said your husband hasn't been out in (3?) weeks since his friend got a new gf.. and he was only going out nightly since meeting this friend.. it can't be everything..

Excuses for why you can't do anything won't help your case or your situation, the only way anything will change is if you make a move with or with him.. if your sister were in your shoes.. what would you tell her? what would you say if she had written this?

With so many inconsistencies I'm waiting for the 'T' word to come out.

Tricky7652

I think op you are very emotional and not thinking clearly.

You have been with your oh a long time and have 2(?) children. You took on debt without him knowing and he has behaved badly towards you and not been a brilliant dad.

Rather than carrying on this path I think you need to stop and breathe. He is angry as well he should be, he will talk to you when he is ready and you nagging will only make it worse.

No I don't think he wants a divorce as he has done nothing about it, he is angry and lashing out. You are emotional and needy

You have had some good advice, take it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Lostinhere wrote: »

We had the mortgage the year before I got pregnant, ported it and remortgaged before getting the dmp. He knew we had the dmp, he saw it go out each month, he just didn't know the total amount of debt it was repaying, only had the dmp a couple of years

??? But he completed a mortgage application without knowing the total debt in force? And you went from paying the original debts off easily to a DMP when he already had the higher salary that enabled the remortgage?

How did he manage to sign the DMP documents without knowing the terms and conditions? Or is it solely in your name? (if so, it's not his problem to pay it and if you forged his signature, he's right, you have committed fraud), especially if it's secured upon a house only he owns.

By the way, the Child Maintenance figure is probably nearer £375/month.



If this is how you conduct conversations with your STB XH (because you have given him enough grounds to divorce you), drip feeding little bits and pieces only when challenged and ignoring as much as possible, I'm not surprised he doesn't want to talk to you.

FBaby

I don't think you have any chance for any reconciliation on the basis that you don't seem to appreciate at all the impact of what you've done. You have taken loans on both names, so indeed, did something illegal. You have kept it from him, and now you seem to think that he should be repay it all because all the debts were for essential costs (which I don't believe because otherwise, you would have spoken to him about it), because you have decided that you were a SAHM and therefore he should be supporting you.

You say you can't get a job and frankly, I find this pathetic. You can get a job, you can work evenings/week-ends, this way, your OH would have to be at home to look after the kids. You could at least apply to job and calculate how much you would need to earn, calculating how much tax credits you would be entitled to towards childcare.

And even if you were not better off, surely that's only for a year or so until your youngest gets the free childcare element.

I personally don't think you want to work and take it for granted that your OH should support you. Maybe that's why there were issues with your marriage even before the debt came about. If so, it is not surprising that finding out was just the cherry on the cake for him and how that just killed any feelings he might still have had for you.

If all you have is one sister who you can't stay with, why are you considering moving your children far away from their school/father? Surely it would make more sense to look for somewhere local?

meer53

So how much debt did he think he was repaying ? I find it amazing that you both signed up for the DMP but didn't admit to him how much it was for !!! That was your chance, you blew it. Now you're upset that he's angry ?

The best you can do now is either to sit back and wait or to start sorting out the rest of your life. I'm a single parent with 2 kids, it's hard, working extra hours, i work full time plus overtime, i don't receive any benefits, cutting back, doing without the nice stuff for a while but it can be done. You just have to realise that your life will change, and accept it.