Screwed up big time

Lostinhere

I take those appointments because it is difficult taking a baby for some of the things I go for, I do take her 9/10 times but can't always.

Yes 1.5 hours occasionally 2 hours. she has a set routine set by her which works perfectly. She sleeps 645-630, nap 1145-130 sometimes 2pm. All babies are different!

It's been 3 weeks since he found out about the debt

Lostinhere

No she won't sleep in the pram,bizarrely if we are out all day long she just won't sleep, she only sleeps in her cot, my arms or her car seat if it's in a moving car. Bizarre, the eldest slept anywhere

Guest101

Lostinhere wrote: »

I take those appointments because it is difficult taking a baby for some of the things I go for, I do take her 9/10 times but can't always.

Yes 1.5 hours occasionally 2 hours. she has a set routine set by her which works perfectly. She sleeps 645-630, nap 1145-130 sometimes 2pm. All babies are different!

It's been 3 weeks since he found out about the debt

Since you take her 90% of the time, you could (a reasonable person would) book them at a time when you only take one child, not two. Where the bed time wont be affected and not take a slot from someone else.

enthusiasticsaver

Do you know any other single mums whereby you could arrange reciprocal childcare - ie they look after your baby for an hour during the day while you look after theirs for similar reasons? Try and find yourself some outside support or as I said move up to family and look for alternative accommodation. I am not sure where you would stand re benefits etc though which is why I say you need to research this with CAB, Benefits office etc and long term find a job.

Lostinhere

No I don't have any one to babysit unfortunately.

Why am I not entitled to visit the doctor when I choose? Like I said, I cannot always take the baby because of some of the things I go for...not often I don't take her but sometimes I can't. I don't need to justify myself about it, there are times I need to go alone and those times I have to go when the kids are in bed as I have no one to babysit. If I moved I would have my sister to babysit.

MallyGirl

Lostinhere wrote: »

I take those appointments because it is difficult taking a baby for some of the things I go for, I do take her 9/10 times but can't always.

I can't think of a single thing that would happen at a doctors that you couldn't strap a baby into a push chair for. I used to sit DD on my tummy during dentist appointments due to the room being too small for a push chair. Unless you are having MRI or something?

cyantist

Lostinhere wrote: »

Thanks enthusiasticsaver. No I don't have access to the account or any money. I've been living off the 137 child benefit for the past couple of weeks, it's now run out so I don't have a penny to my name.

I hid it from him because I was ashamed. I didn't want to upset him by telling him we just didn't have enough money because his salary wasn't enough. I felt like a failure. Like many debtors it snowballed, debt to pay debt, debt to eat, debt to pay the bills.

If I'd have spoken to him sooner we could have had a plan and i wish i had.

Now I'm in a situation where he will not speak at all, not a word even small talk, he still does nothing with the kids though on occasion he has started to engage a bit.

He said in eh past that he turns his phone off in case I ring him, even though I never have, to have a go at him for going out without telling me.

Sad to say he went out on our 10 year anniversary and also the night after I had treatment for cancerous cells on my cervix. He feels guilty for neither, what he wants and what his friend wants come first.

Even if I had jointly spent the money, I would still be just as annoyed that I wasn't given the opportunity to cut back on various things to prevent the debt, and was kept in the dark. His salary would have been enough if you'd both sat down and budgeted properly, and you'd applied for all benefits you were entitled to. On a wage of 19k with 2 kids you'd be entitled to a significant amount of benefits. Were you claiming these?

However... if he went out on the night of your 10 year anniversary, and when you had treatment for cancerous cells and you really feel he puts his friend first, then why do you want to make things work.

You've said he is doing a lot to prevent you getting a job (by going out without any notice even if you have plans, taking away your computer, and refusing to let you childmind). Given he also does 0% of the housework of childcare, it seems you'd be better off separating and getting your own place where you'll be able to work from home.

I just don't understand why, if he is as bad as you say, you actually want to be with him. You shouldn't be telling him you want a divorce to shock him into changing, you should be telling him you want a divorce because you don't want to out up with his behaviour.

Leothecat

OP I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's a horrible situation and I feel that some of the posters on here are trying their hardest to tie you up in knots and then jump on any errors you may have made.


I don't know you or your husband and realise that of course there are 2 sides to every story but I have to take this at face value and believe what you are telling us.


If it is all indeed true, why on earth would you want to stay with this man? He's not someone I would wish to be relying on either financially or emotionally.


You really need to take things in hand and look after yourself and your children. You've had some great advice from other posters re Womens Aid and other agencies and quite frankly it's time to put the wheels in motion and move on.


To be honest, if I were your DH I too would be extremely peeved about the debt but as he was spending also (albeit without knowing the ins and outs), it sounds to me as if there is more to his cooling off towards you.
I don't believe this is fixable and its time to move on and make a life for yourselves.

LannieDuck

All babies are different. I learnt this with DD2, who refused to nap for more than 30 mins at a time during the day (and normally more like 20 mins, where the first 10 mins were me shusshing her). It was a rude awakening after DD1 who had napped wonderfully.

At 13 months old, s/he may or may not be willing to sit quietly in a pushchair while you talk to the doctor. I've had allsorts of examinations with DD2 watching from her chair, but I've also had a couple of incredibly stressful appointments where she absolutely did not want to go in the chair, and she wanted to crawl around and play with everything she could find. Having a proper conversation with the Dr during those appointments was genuinely impossible.

Ultimately, it depends on the baby. I can totally understand wanting to have a child-free discussion with the Dr if it's a complicated or difficult subject area.


Edited to add: I've just remembered I was specifically asked not to bring children to one of my biopsy appointments.

pigpen

My 4 y/o never slept we are lucky to get her to spend 7-8 hours in bed even now.. she would occasionally nap in the car but not long and both her and my 5 y/o hated the pushchair.. they totally refused to sleep in it and my 5 y/o tried to climb out if I put her in.. taking either to a drs appointment would have been a nightmare. thank goodness for lollipops!!

You also said earlier in the thread he hasnt been out for 3 weeks.. since his friend got a new partner and now you are saying since you confessed about the debt.. so he has made a change.. he now feels he cant have a social life because you put his home at risk by running up thousands of pounds of debt in his name... another reason to resent you.

I can't see how you can even consider your actions reasonable.. plus your story is falling apart.. too many inconsistencies now.