Screwed up big time

ecgirl07

If my partner/husband took the hard drive from my computer and didnt give it back, he would be kicked to the kerb in daytime tv parlance.

The relationship sounds toxic but neither party are aware.

But you know who is aware? The kids.

Op (and husband) all you are doing is messing up future mse families posters who will write about how they have fekked up relationships because when they were wee mum and dad acted like this.....

Detroit

Lostinhere wrote: »

Thing is I actually don't think he's angry, he seems perfectly fine just doesn't like me. For the first time ever he's chosen to sleep on the sofa the past couple of nights, something he refused to do when I asked him to, so I think perhaps he's done being angry and just doesn't want to be near me.

Part of me is wondering if he has someone else but then he hasn't been anywhere for almost a month now.

Is it possible the debt stopped him loving me just like that?

I have been carrying on as normal with the kids routine etc and not letting tjem see I'm upset. We're not arguing but not speaking either which is his choice and I think that makes an atmosphere but I can't force him to act normally

I've thought from the start of this thread that he's not really angry, but is using the debt as an excuse (justifiable or not) to get out of the relationship.
The signs were there before he knew about the debt, with the staying out late etc.
The debt seems to be a handy way of bringing this to a head and ending things with no fault on his side.
Unfortunately, I think this makes your situation even more hopeless. If he was angrey there may be hope he'd forgive you.
I think he just wants out.
You really need to leave. If it turns out he's not serious, or has a change of heart, he can always contact you.
Hanging around lurching from accusation to appeasement is no good for anyone and is demeaning for you.

Lostinhere

I think you may be right. In the past I've asked why he goes out so much and he's said its to get away from me, as the past six months we've argued a lot (only about his behaviour, putting his friend first etc)

Since finding out about the debt he's gone from angry to getting along with me to ignoring me. He has started doing a bit with the kids (entertaining one while I bath the other) and he hasn't been out at all this month (but that could be because his friend is busy with his new girlfriend and atm he's ill) these are things that I would regard as positive changes.

I sent him an email today just apologising and asking to sit down like adults to avoid living in limbo like this because of the kids. He probably won't reply but hopefully we can talk tonight though it's now giving him the control back (it's always the case where I beg him)

I spoke to a good friend today who basically echoed a lot on here. She knows us both and basically said we need to either sort it and make the necessary changes, or end it and leave quickly to stop dragging it out. She thinks if he wanted a divorce he would leave and then try to get me to sell the house. As I've told him I won't sell, there's no need to stay because him staying won't make me sell either.

She also made a good point that no matter how uncomfortable the sofa is, if he hated me that much he would sleep on it. He would take his wages this month and rent elsewhere, he could get a local one bed flat for 400, whereas a two bed would be a hell of a lot more, plus it's a lot easier for him to move.

Tbh i think he's trying to make me make the decision, I be the one who leaves, so that he is blameless and it's my fault because I left

Pixie5740

Lostinhere wrote: »

Tbh i think he's trying to make me make the decision, I be the one who leaves, so that he is blameless and it's my fault because I left

Does it matter who does the leaving? When a relationship breaks down usually both parties have played their part.

Lostinhere

I just don't want him telling the kids I broke the family up.

He's attempting normality in front of the kids today which is a breath of relief. He didn't reply to my apology email but I'm hoping we can sit and talk

pigpen

Lostinhere wrote: »

I just don't want him telling the kids I broke the family up.

You can't control what he says.. so long as you remain honest and truthful throughout nothing else matters.. the children need to be loved, fed, watered and safe.. they don't care who did what to whom!!

meer53

Whatever he says to the kids you will have to deal with. One day they will make up their own minds about what happened. As long as you do whats best for them and don't let your feelings for your OH get in the way, they will be fine. It might be better for the children for you to split up.

FBaby

He probably won't reply but hopefully we can talk tonight though it's now giving him the control back (it's always the case where I beg him)

If this what your marriage comes down to, fighting to gain control over the other, then there is no marriage to be saved.

I just don't want him telling the kids I broke the family up.

He could say that regardless. Kids don't care as long as they have a good relationship with both parents. I broke up my relationship with their dad, they knew it. They were too young to explain that it was because of his secret debts, but they didn't hold it against me, they were too young to understand relationship blame anyway.

Lostinhere

Well he says he wants to split up because he can't stand me anymore.

He's affecting the kids already, shouting and swearing at me and calling me names in front of them and then telling the eldest off when she tells him to stop being mean (I took them out to get them away from it all). He keeps telling her he won't ever see her again. He threatens to make stuff up to the police and social services so I lose my children.

I'm now left with a difficult decision

Do I

A) try and talk him round so we can be a happy family
file for divorce and an occupancy order so the kids don't lose their home but risk him smashing it up (he will either take everything or smash it up as revenge because in his mind he paid for it all even though he didn't but he did renovate it)
C) move locally which means it's easier for dd to see her friends (she's moving school either way but it would mean she wouldn't lose her school friends from old school and I wouldn't lose my friends)
D) move 50 miles away to be near family,new school but lose our friends (we could see them weekends but in all honesty it'd be hardly ever)


Also how do I pay deposit and rent and moving costs? Dh been paid but refusing to give me a penny, can't claim benefits whilst he lives here.

I need to register dd at new school before the summer holidays.

Froglet

I can't ever see either of you happy again while you are both living in the same house in such a toxic atmosphere.

You can't be any worse off if he won't even give you any money.Does he buy the food and pay the bills ?

As I said in a previous post.He is trying to control you,and added to bouts of the violence and emotional blackmail,I don't understand why you want to stay.