Screwed up big time

Lostinhere

I don't have anyone with a mortgage who could guarantor.

I haven't been to women's aid yet I'm scared to make it all final I suppose

I'm worried about the effect on my eldest when we're moved around

Mojisola

Lostinhere wrote: »

Well he says he wants to split up because he can't stand me anymore.

He's affecting the kids already, shouting and swearing at me and calling me names in front of them and then telling the eldest off when she tells him to stop being mean

He keeps telling her he won't ever see her again.

Lostinhere wrote: »

I'm worried about the effect on my eldest when we're moved around

But not worried about the effect on the children by staying in such a toxic household?

Keeping_Positive

Going to women's aid doesn't make it final. It is an avenue of potential support and advice.

Your children are already affected by the situation. Moving is tough but children are very good at adapting. Far worse to be in a household of fighting parents whether abusive or not.

Mupette

Stop making excuses about why you can't (aka no one to help you)

Sometimes you have to do things yourself, your not the first princess to have her bubble burst - stop behaving like a snowflake

I had no one help me, i had nothing, he took everything. He put me in debt, he also smashed me up.

The only difference is he left, but it was council property anyway.
But what he didn't take he broke, he left me in debt,

I grew a pair and realised that I couldn't rely on anyone and if i wanted something done, i had to do it myself.

He told me i was fat, ugly, useless that no one would want me. my self esteem was gone, my self respect was gone.

More importantly our son needed to be protected from this.

You can't make your husband love you - how many times does he have to say it to you.


Womansaid is there to help you with everything BUT you have to ring them, you need to start the ball rolling tomorrow as soon as you've dropped your eldest off at school.

So what if your in a B&B by Monday teatime, it's step one.
Then you can ring up the benefits and get money coming in.

IT STARTS WITH YOU PUTTING YOUR BIG GIRL PANTS ON

justme111

As you rightly said you have choices , you even listed them correctly. To be able to chose you need more information. Womans aid, shelter etc will give you this information.
If he breaks stuff in the house you phone police. Even if he breaks everything - on freecycle lots of good free stuff and in any case sleeping on the floor is the least of your problems.

skattykatty

Hey OP, how do you talk round someone who 'can't stand' you? It sounds like your little girl is doing the hard work of sticking up for herself and you and it's not her job to do so. It's YOUR job. Like others have said, if he chooses to smash up the place, you call the police. I don't know how many different ways you have already read/heard that this relationship is over. You have been signposted for help. Only you can do this. No-one on here can do it for you. AND you do have support from your sister, even if she can't support you practically or financially she is there for you. And you have friends. You are tied up in thinking about how things will look like to your little ones at some mystical point in the future when RIGHT NOW it's all gone to pot! And they are living through this RIGHT NOW! So focus on the present. Be here. Now.

paddy's_mum

Lostinhere wrote: »

he just doesn't like me......

Is it possible the debt stopped him loving me just like that?

For all those who think that debt is just money - stop and think again.

It's not about the cold, hard cash. It's the mountain of lies (whether spoken or by carefully omitting to speak the truth) the sheer level of deceit needed, the unrelenting dishonesty and the discovery that your partner fundamentally lacks morality, integrity or the desire to play fair. That's what the discovery of huge, hidden debt actually means.

My husband did it to me (for the second time) earlier this year. What remaining trust and faith I had in him died in that instant and with the loss of those basic building blocks, no relationship can survive.

If only hidden debt was just about ££££££!

Guest101

I'd just add to Paddy's comment: It's twice as bad when the person earning finds out the person who isn't has hidden the debt.


the daily grind, and for what? It really is enough to send someone over the edge.

Lostinhere

But what if in making a mistake and we can both change and fix things?

He's upset I can tell, he's doing silly things like changing the password to the cctv so I can't check up on him but he can see when I go in and out. This is partly to wind me up and partly to prevent me deleting the cctv so he knows what I'm up to.

I am really fed up, the eldest is off school really poorly, we haven't had any sleep and as soon as he gets home there's atmosphere.

He doesn't speak to me at all even in front of the kids, though occasionally he does to retaliate to something like when dd says he's done something mean, then he will speak to me to argue and tell dd not to listen to me because I lie!

I no longer speak to him in front of the kids because I don't like him telling dd that it's not her fault it's my fault because I tell her lies, etc. So I just ignore him back.

FBaby

You might now still desperately hold on to him but he has let you go. It is over and even though it turned to be his decision rather than yours the result is the same.

As you seem of quite dependent nature I would also advise to move close to family. Staying local in the hope you'll get back together is not thinking what is best for you and your kids. Don't act like a victim with your kids be matter of fact and most importantly strong and reassuring. They will be fine if you convey to them that there are no reasons why they shouldn't be so.