Screwed up big time

lulu_92

meer53 wrote: »

I have repeatedly said the debt is bad, I have refused to argue in front of the kids and when he starts I leave, I have acknowledged my wrongdoing but yes he is worse as he is the one making comments to the children and in front of them. The things he does (controlling cctv) are witnessed by the children as when I tried to use it they could see the password had been changed (eldest can read) things like that...

But YOU are allowing your children to be in the middle of this by not taking any action !!!!!! Remove yourself and your children from this awful situation as soon as possible.

Stop worrying about whether you can "fix things" if it's fixable it will happen, if it's not then suck it up and move on. It's not rocket science fgs.

The thing that gets me it's the blame game.
"HE'S the one making comments" "HE'S doing XYZ" - yeah he may be doing and saying terrible things, but you have been given so much advice for how to remove your children from this environment and you're essentially refusing to because you think the relationship can be saved, which shouldn't be a higher priority than the well-being of your children.

FBaby

Totally agree lulu. Both OP and her husband seem to have a very self-centered approach to their situation and much more concerned with proving that the failing of their marriage is de to the other's actions rather then acting like adults, accepting their wrong doings and that their marriage is over and taking responsibility for planning their future separately that is best for Their kids. It's no surprise they are no further than 2 weeks ago.

cbrown372

BBC2 tonight at 9.30 Mr v Mrs: Call the Mediator, this is the second episode, first one is on iplayer. I watched last week and it reminded me of this thread, neither party prepared to back down and the kids suffer.

Guest101

Lostinhere wrote: »

Wow so many people telling me what I think and feel...

I have repeatedly said the debt is bad, I have refused to argue in front of the kids and when he starts I leave, I have acknowledged my wrongdoing but yes he is worse as he is the one making comments to the children and in front of them. The things he does (controlling cctv) are witnessed by the children as when I tried to use it they could see the password had been changed (eldest can read) things like that... - CCTV? You are upset you cant check up on him? -And your child is upset that the password has changed? wow...

I spoke to my friend who has been in a Dv relationship and she said if I call women's aid or get housed by the council due to dv then the social services get involved, something I definitely do not want! - I think it may be the best thing for your children. Clearly you're both absolutely self absorbed.

The eldest is ill so I have been unable to travel 50 miles to the council to go on the housing list (has to be in person)

However another option I am considering is getting an occupancy order, getting a police escort when he returns for his stuff, and then he can either pay the mortgage or pay child support (similar amount) and with that and benefits I can afford to stay. At least to give me some breathing space. - I doubt you'd get such an order, you're both abusing eachother.

My concern is private rented accommodation for dss is hard to come by and not stable, I'm worried I could end up moving the kids again and again... - If you say so.

But yes I am leaving, I've got quotes for storage and removals, I spoke to the council and they don't do any kind of loan unless you've claimed a qualifying benefit for six months (I haven't) so I am not sure how I will pay storage or removals tbh. The council have a scheme where they pay first month rent if landlord accepts but I don't have a deposit

I literally have 137.60 to my name to last a month. I can't pay any bills, I have no one who can lend me money and no hope of credit due to credit rating. Any ideas?

Contact women's aid! (for the hundredth time)


(and tell him to contact mens advice line)

Lostinhere

My friends came round today as they've been so worried about me.

They really made me think. Yes the debt was badly wrong but it is being repaid and will be paid off within 5 years and nothing more can be done.

His behaviour, the controlling stuff, the things he's said in front of and to the children, the way he treats me are all wrong.

They have suggested I sit him down tonight and tell him if he's not prepared to sort it out tonight then he needs to leave.

He has been paid and has 2 grand,more than enough for a hotel for a week or two until he can find a flat to rent (a flat would be 400, deposit 400, child support 460) he refuses to give me any money for bills so he has plenty!

I am scared he will smash his way in or smash up my car or steal things (like my precious baby memories) but I can't live in fear, if he does those things I have to call the police.

His child support will cover the mortgage and my benefits will cover the bills, the kids don't have to be uprooted and can keep their friends and my friends.

Lostinhere

Ps in answer to the earlier comment, I only ever check the cctv when necessary (like when someone parks on my drive because rude people do that!) so that was why I was annoyed he changed the password. I did not say dd was upset he changed the password, I said she noticed and obviously gathered it was him. He changed it to have control, so he can see my comings and goings but I can't see his or who he brings to the house or what he takes out of it

Mojisola

Lostinhere wrote: »

I am scared he will smash his way in or smash up my car or steal things (like my precious baby memories) but I can't live in fear, if he does those things I have to call the police.

Collect together any precious items plus important information like insurances, passports, etc and ask a good friend to keep them safe for you.

Lostinhere

With regards to the debt, on a dmp of 400 per month, I would agree to pay the payment for the 15k that was my fault if he wants but as I now have no income step change have advised I get a debt relief order.

Guest101

Lostinhere wrote: »

My friends came round today as they've been so worried about me.

They really made me think. Yes the debt was badly wrong but it is being repaid and will be paid off within 5 years and nothing more can be done. - You showing remorse might help

His behaviour, the controlling stuff, the things he's said in front of and to the children, the way he treats me are all wrong. - You are BOTH behaving badly. Your friend wont tell you this, but we can, because we aren't emotionally attached. You only want the CCTV password to check up on him FGS!

They have suggested I sit him down tonight and tell him if he's not prepared to sort it out tonight then he needs to leave. - or you do. There's no automatic right to kick him out

He has been paid and has 2 grand,more than enough for a hotel for a week or two until he can find a flat to rent (a flat would be 400, deposit 400, child support 460) he refuses to give me any money for bills so he has plenty! - That's not relevant. He doesn't have to leave. That's that. He doesn't love you, so is hardly going to want to help you.

I am scared he will smash his way in or smash up my car or steal things (like my precious baby memories) but I can't live in fear, if he does those things I have to call the police. - He doesn't need to 'smash his way in', you cannot block his access.

His child support will cover the mortgage and my benefits will cover the bills, the kids don't have to be uprooted and can keep their friends and my friends.

I suspect this is just a waste of time

Guest101

Lostinhere wrote: »

Ps in answer to the earlier comment, I only ever check the cctv when necessary (like when someone parks on my drive because rude people do that!) - what? 1: you said it's to check up on him. 2: you check the CCTV instead of looking, with your eyes, on the drive? so that was why I was annoyed he changed the password. I did not say dd was upset he changed the password, I said she noticed and obviously gathered it was him. - huh? How? Why are you checking CCTV when your child is there? Do you not play games with her? He changed it to have control, so he can see my comings and goings but I can't see his or who he brings to the house or what he takes out of it

And he'll say he changed it because you check up on him constantly!