Screwed up big time

Guest101

Lostinhere wrote: »

The cctv is about control, no I'm not having an affair, it's about him controlling me - he can watch me I can't watch him

The hard drive is not minor, it has my life on and he took it, knowing most baby photos and all videos arm not backed up.

Well when you leave, ask for it back. If he refuses, contact the police and report a theft.

Lostinhere

He said if I mention the hard drive again he will smash it, so I will never get it back.

Yes he's a saint clearly I'm the bad one and I deserve it

Mojisola

If he is now and has been for some years so horrible, why have you stayed with him and why are you still trying to save the relationship?

Pearl_Necklace

I feel sorry for the children, caught between these two rather immature-sounding adults.

Pearl_Necklace

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Telling him you wanted to end the marriage in some sort of ploy to make him do some housework/not go out was manipulative and cruel. For him to find out that he's been lumbered with bad debt of many thousands of pounds without ever knowing would have been horrifying. How did you know he'd blocked your number unless you were calling him after he'd gone out?

Threatening the end of a relationship to obtain control and taking out loans that he never knew about but is having to pay off are both types of abuse. After the initial distress of being told the marriage was over when he didn't want it to be, then finding out about the debt and that you didn't really mean it, you just wanted him to do what you wanted, I'm not entirely surprised at his reaction.

I wouldn't entertain getting back together with somebody who did that to me.

No, evidently you prefer lazy barstewards who sit about the house at your expense and hog the tv remote control :rotfl:

Izadora

Lostinhere wrote: »

How? I make sure we are out all weekend but I can't be out every evening too and I can't just up and leave with nowhere to go and no money, and I have no intention of leaving my house

You go to a women's shelter, you stay with friends, you do whatever it takes to get you and, more importantly, your children away from that toxic a situation. If it is genuinely as bad as you're saying it is then staying because you don't want to give up 'your' house is ridiculously irresponsible. There are always ways to get out of a situation and people have given you some great advice on how to do just that but keeping 'your' house is more important than your children's welfare?

Lostinhere wrote: »

Yes he's a saint clearly I'm the bad one and I deserve it

That attitude's doing you no favours either. Nobody has said that you're the bad one or that you deserve it but you're so intent on trying to prove that it's all his fault that you seem incapable of understanding that the fact that he's in the wrong doesn't mean that you're blameless.

Anyway, seeing as saying anything other than "Yes, he's an evil man and it's all his fault" seems to be pretty much pointless, I'll just leave it at best of luck and I hope you manage to find a way out of your current situation.

Pollycat

Lostinhere wrote: »

I live in fear of him stealing my previous things like he did the hard drive, making false allegations or smashing my house, it's wrong

Is it just your name on the deeds?

Lostinhere wrote: »

Talking to my friend has made me realise it's not me, I haven't done anything to make him like this and my children don't deserve to lose their home, him leaving is the right thing to do, he is the perpetrator in all this, his daily behaviour is what caused it all in the first place, the debt was after

You say you haven't done anything to make him like this.
What about the debt you ran up, arranged to pay back by not telling him the truth.
There were a couple of excellent posts a few pages back about the impact of running up secret debt.
Did you not read them?

Lostinhere

He only got like this when he met his friend, a young single bloke in his 20s who lives with his mum. That's when he started getting lazier and nastier which is why I wanted to leave. It was only 4 weeks ago the debt was an issue, he was already bad before that. His friend encourages it, disrespects me and has no respect for dh having a family and responsibility. In return dh is eager to please the friend and puts him before me.

I really don't think it's fair on the children to be moved from pillar to post or have to suffer any more. A Bnb, refuge, temp flat and then on to a council house in possibly a whole different area, it's just a lot of upheaval.

I went to a solicitor with my friend this afternoon, the solicitor said any action I take would make it final, because he is not the forgiving type. He basically said I can apply to the court to keep the house til baby is 18 and dh would he told to move out. A police escort to get his belongings and he would be responsible for either paying the mortgage or child support, mortgage is 466, child support approx 385 so I would have to pay the difference. Dh would be left with 1600 of earnings which is more than enough to live on.

Guest101

Lostinhere wrote: »

He only got like this when he met his friend, a young single bloke in his 20s who lives with his mum. That's when he started getting lazier and nastier which is why I wanted to leave. It was only 4 weeks ago the debt was an issue, he was already bad before that. His friend encourages it, disrespects me and has no respect for dh having a family and responsibility. In return dh is eager to please the friend and puts him before me.

I really don't think it's fair on the children to be moved from pillar to post or have to suffer any more. A Bnb, refuge, temp flat and then on to a council house in possibly a whole different area, it's just a lot of upheaval.

I went to a solicitor with my friend this afternoon, the solicitor said any action I take would make it final, because he is not the forgiving type. He basically said I can apply to the court to keep the house til baby is 18 and dh would he told to move out. A police escort to get his belongings and he would be responsible for either paying the mortgage or child support, mortgage is 466, child support approx 385 so I would have to pay the difference. Dh would be left with 1600 of earnings which is more than enough to live on.

Can. Can apply. Doesn't mean you'll get it.

Trixi

Ok - he's bad. It's all his fault and he creates a nasty, toxic atmosphere. Being near him is damaging for you and your children.

Is that phrased in a way that suits you?

If a fraction of what you are saying is true then you need to get them out of there.

The point people are trying to make is that right now it doesn't matter, at all, whose fault this is. The children need to be removed from any fighting and abusive behaviour (yours, his, whatever). Then you can both play the blame game to your heart's content.