Screwed up big time

paddy's_mum

Lostinhere wrote: »

So I just ignore him back.

For heaven's sake! .... grow up, both of you :eek:

What on earth did your poor children ever do to warrant BOTH parents behaving like complete pigs?

It seems to me that neither of you is a fit parent - you're both too busy being angry, scoring points and struggling for control/the last word to give a toss about the poor little blighters caught in your crossfire.

I could bang your stupid heads together....!

itsanne

It's sheer frustration making me post on here now. I haven't before because everyone else has already said everything I would.

Lostinhere wrote: »

Well he says he wants to split up because he can't stand me anymore.

He's affecting the kids already, shouting and swearing at me and calling me names in front of them and then telling the eldest off when she tells him to stop being mean (I took them out to get them away from it all). He keeps telling her he won't ever see her again. He threatens to make stuff up to the police and social services so I lose my children.

I'm now left with a difficult decision

Do I

A) try and talk him round so we can be a happy family WHY, WHY, WHY do you think that's remotely possible. Look at what you've just written. You will not be a happy family.
file for divorce and an occupancy order so the kids don't lose their home but risk him smashing it up (he will either take everything or smash it up as revenge because in his mind he paid for it all even though he didn't but he did renovate it) If you really think that's likely, you should already have been to women's aid.
C) move locally which means it's easier for dd to see her friends (she's moving school either way but it would mean she wouldn't lose her school friends from old school and I wouldn't lose my friends)
D) move 50 miles away to be near family,new school but lose our friends (we could see them weekends but in all honesty it'd be hardly ever)


Also how do I pay deposit and rent and moving costs? Dh been paid but refusing to give me a penny, can't claim benefits whilst he lives here.

I need to register dd at new school before the summer holidays. That's the least of your problems. Schools do take kids who move into an area. If necessary, register her locally in the meantime - you can always change your mind about where to live later.

Lostinhere wrote: »

But what if in making a mistake and we can both change and fix things? Aargh! :wall: I don't think I've ever said it to anyone on here before, but it's not fixable. The only mistake you're making is in prolonging the agony, which is very bad for your children.

He's upset I can tell, he's doing silly "Silly "is not the word to describe any of his behaviour. things like changing the password to the cctv so I can't check up on him but he can see when I go in and out. This is partly to wind me up and partly to prevent me deleting the cctv so he knows what I'm up to.

I am really fed up, the eldest is off school really poorly, we haven't had any sleep and as soon as he gets home there's atmosphere.

He doesn't speak to me at all even in front of the kids, though occasionally he does to retaliate to something like when dd says he's done something mean, then he will speak to me to argue and tell dd not to listen to me because I lie!

I no longer speak to him in front of the kids because I don't like him telling dd that it's not her fault it's my fault because I tell her lies, etc. So I just ignore him back.

...... and you still think you can both change and play happy families? For heaven's sake, you're both behaving appallingly. You're both damaging your children.

Lostinhere wrote: »

No he won't pay the bills. Everything comes out of my account except the mortgage. I have no idea if the mortgage has been paid. He won't let me use the food he buys but the stuff I buy (laundry powder etc) he freely uses! I've been surviving on child benefit and my grandma buying food

So why do you want to stay with him?

Lostinhere wrote: »

I haven't got anyone who could guarantor for me, and with no income and dmp with terrible credit rating I dont think agencies would touch me

My sister advised going to the council but they have said if I leave my husband I'm making myself intentionally homrless and they won't house me Not the case under the circumstances. As Mojisola said, his threats and controlling behaviour changes that.

I'm actually heartbroken, giving up the security of an owned house done just how I like it to a rented place..,my memories, the kids memories all gone...ten years of being with him all gone

You mean leaving a house where you have to rely on your grandmother for food, where you have been threatened and had the hard drive removed and CCTV manipulated against you, where you have been told the person you are living with can't stand you, where he shouts and swears at you - and in front of your children, where he also tells the children he won't see them any more ....... you call that secure? It's not secure for you or your children. It's damaging for your children. The longer you leave it, the more damaging it is and the more their memories will be of this awful time.

Lostinhere wrote: »

I don't have anyone with a mortgage who could guarantor.

I haven't been to women's aid yet I'm scared to make it all final I suppose Go now. It's already final. Where it all started is irrelevant now, but it's not fixable.

I'm worried about the effect on my eldest when we're moved around

You should be more worried about the effect on your eldest of what is happening now. You don't seem to understand that.


I know I'm sounding very critical - I'm as frustrated as it's possible to be with a stranger on the internet - but I do feel very sorry for you. Your life sounds awful just now but it doesn't have to stay like that. You need to take all the good advice available on this thread and make things better for yourself and, more importantly, for your children. It's hard for you to act, but once you take the first step it will be easier and you will eventually look back and wonder how you put up with things for so long.

Keeping_Positive

One of the problems of being in an abusive relationship is the mental abuse that isn't seen. People concentrate on physical. He wants you to second guess yourself. He wants you to take the blame. The fear that he will break things, the fact he is witholding reasonable monies (I know you messed up on cash but I bet he didnt complain when the money was there, bet he didn't offer to help if you asked, did you want to tell him you were struggling but were scared of his response? mine just rolled his eyes when I pleaded for help) are signs of abuse. Call women's aid, you're not signing your life away just getting someone who will listen.

Pollycat

itsanne wrote: »

It's sheer frustration making me post on here now. I haven't before because everyone else has already said everything I would.

Me too.

Lostinhere wrote: »

But what if in making a mistake and we can both change and fix things?

The OP is in denial.

ecgirl07

Pollycat wrote: »

Me too.


The OP is in denial.

It's easy for us to say pack a bag go. In the real world we know how hard that is, sometimes posting advice we forget. The op is getting herself together to make the break, it takes time, you can understand the trying to see the good, how it would be good again, how they can change. In denial maybe? But she has to work through it to get to a place she is strong enough to go. When the time is right, she will do what she needs to do...

Mupette

ecgirl07 wrote: »

It's easy for us to say pack a bag go. In the real world we know how hard that is, sometimes posting advice we forget. The op is getting herself together to make the break, it takes time, you can understand the trying to see the good, how it would be good again, how they can change. In denial maybe? But she has to work through it to get to a place she is strong enough to go. When the time is right, she will do what she needs to do...

This is true, But she came here asking for help and has ignored everything and i mean everything.

I doubt if she's even read many posts.

She'll stay with him, he will treat her like poop, but she'll stay. Because it's all about her and how the whole world is against her.

Her children will grow to become insecure people who cannot managed relationships themselves, either being the dominant wife/husband beater or the one that looks for that type of relationship because seeing it day in and day out it must be normal right?

And then she'll blame society for her and her husbands failings as parents.

She is happy for her children to be mentally and verbally abused, she is not fit to be a mother, harsh yes, I'd only wish she reads it and acts on it.

It's not about her -she'll tell you it is.
It's not her fault - she feels that she did nothing wrong and that he did worse.

Pollycat

ecgirl07 wrote: »

It's easy for us to say pack a bag go. In the real world we know how hard that is, sometimes posting advice we forget. The op is getting herself together to make the break, it takes time, you can understand the trying to see the good, how it would be good again, how they can change. In denial maybe? But she has to work through it to get to a place she is strong enough to go. When the time is right, she will do what she needs to do...

I really can't see how the OP is trying to get herself together to make the break.

And I'm nowhere near as convinced as you seem to be that she will do what she neeeds to do - at any time.

Mojisola

ecgirl07 wrote: »

When the time is right, she will do what she needs to do...

And, in the meantime, the children are caught in the middle.

I know it can be difficult to make such a drastic change to your life but if you won't start the process for yourself, do it for the children!

Tiddlywinks

Lostinhere wrote: »

But what if in making a mistake and we can both change and fix things?

He's upset I can tell, he's doing silly things like changing the password to the cctv so I can't check up on him but he can see when I go in and out. This is partly to wind me up and partly to prevent me deleting the cctv so he knows what I'm up to.

I am really fed up, the eldest is off school really poorly, we haven't had any sleep and as soon as he gets home there's atmosphere.

He doesn't speak to me at all even in front of the kids, though occasionally he does to retaliate to something like when dd says he's done something mean, then he will speak to me to argue and tell dd not to listen to me because I lie!

I no longer speak to him in front of the kids because I don't like him telling dd that it's not her fault it's my fault because I tell her lies, etc. So I just ignore him back.

Meanwhile - back in the real world, your children are witnessing this destructive behaviour and will come to believe that this is normal... thus clouding their views for future relationships.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

You are selfish - start thinking about your children rather than yourself and get a grip.

Lostinhere

Wow so many people telling me what I think and feel...

I have repeatedly said the debt is bad, I have refused to argue in front of the kids and when he starts I leave, I have acknowledged my wrongdoing but yes he is worse as he is the one making comments to the children and in front of them. The things he does (controlling cctv) are witnessed by the children as when I tried to use it they could see the password had been changed (eldest can read) things like that...

I spoke to my friend who has been in a Dv relationship and she said if I call women's aid or get housed by the council due to dv then the social services get involved, something I definitely do not want!

The eldest is ill so I have been unable to travel 50 miles to the council to go on the housing list (has to be in person)

However another option I am considering is getting an occupancy order, getting a police escort when he returns for his stuff, and then he can either pay the mortgage or pay child support (similar amount) and with that and benefits I can afford to stay. At least to give me some breathing space.

My concern is private rented accommodation for dss is hard to come by and not stable, I'm worried I could end up moving the kids again and again...

But yes I am leaving, I've got quotes for storage and removals, I spoke to the council and they don't do any kind of loan unless you've claimed a qualifying benefit for six months (I haven't) so I am not sure how I will pay storage or removals tbh. The council have a scheme where they pay first month rent if landlord accepts but I don't have a deposit

I literally have 137.60 to my name to last a month. I can't pay any bills, I have no one who can lend me money and no hope of credit due to credit rating. Any ideas?